Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Death & Dying
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Friends Being Distant

khardeman
khardeman
My husband suddenly without warning passed away a few weeks ago at the age of 50. We had been married not quite 13 years. At first my friends and family were all there for me, I'm talking about the first week. I use to have friends that would call me every night. Now I have a hard time even getting a hold of them, or when we talk the conversation is rushed. If I even mention my husbands name I hear silence or they move on to a different subject quickly. I told my closet friend "I didn't die, I still need my friends." I have heard one person say they wanted to give me my space. I never needed space before, and I have so much of it now. Why would they think that? I just need people to treat me as they always have. I have all of you to help me with the rest of this, so I have tried my best not to let my friends see me upset or out of control. I hear from them that I am so strong. Strong about what I'm not sure. I'm just alive and trying to deal with what life has handed me. So what I would like to know, is anyone else having problems with their friends being distant at such a time of need?
JFerrante
JFerrante
Yes, I have experienced the same thing. However, I do have two close friends that have remained with me through tough times. Those are your true friends.

I think the bereaved can make the mistake of expecting others to be all bereavemnet councelors and they're not. Just accept people the way they are. They will not stretch if they choose not to.

I also have no family support on either side. My father does try to talk with me, but not good with talking about feelings.
deleted_user
deleted_user
k, You and I are close to dates on loosing our loved ones. We moved to S. Oregon at the end of 2005. Everyone I've met in the community - all have said "we're your friend, call if you need anything" What I sometimes need is for one of them to just pick up the phone and yak.

The one couple who always stay in touch are the ones who helped so much with Ron. Any of the others - nothing. Are they staying away because they want to give me space? On the off chance I'll breakdown?

There is no family in the area, his grown children are in Vegas, mine are in Hawaii and N. Carolina. I get calls from mine all the time. His kids are like friends, and hear from the oldest once in awhile.

I agree with both you and JFerrante, some people just don't know how to handle another's grief. At the same time, I'm not strong either. I have so many moments in private.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My sweetie and I had friends that we socialised with nearly every weekend. A couple of weeks after the funeral, I did not hear anything from them. Not a peep. I visited them and I felt that they were uncomfortable whenever I mentioned my sweetie's name. Heck, I felt that they were uncomfortable that I was even there! To top it off, they had a New Years' eve party and I was not even invited. I heard it through the grape vine. That really hurt.

I do agree that people don't know what to say when someone is grieving but they don't have to say anything. Even just a quick phone call to say hello would be great. It is showing that they care.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Same problem. I feel very alone. I have made one new friend who checks on me. I have had to switch to single friends of which I had none. Married couples can't relate or are afraid to feel my pain since they will have to experience it someday. Other widows and widowers are my best support. They know what you are going through without you saying a word. Find some at church or at a support group. It really helps
totalsupport
totalsupport
Wow your story sounds alot like mine.I woke up on a Thurday morning To find my husband dying at 50 years old. He suffered from an AVM.I also find friends backing off.I think they don't know what to say so they just don't say anything.If I bring Marty up around his best friend he says can we change the subject? Noone wants to deal with the sudden lose of him so they don't deal with me. My fam is wonderful and call alot.I started a new job and have met some new people. I hear also "you are so strong"I am quite the actress not as strong as they think.Just try taking a class or getting around other people and you will meet other friends.
Loriluvsbruce
Loriluvsbruce
I am having the same problem.With friends and family.I was told that they were giving me space too.I told them I didnt want space.Then they told me they were trying to let me get used to being alone.So thats what I'm trying to do.The truth is either they dont know how to handle the situation or they have already got past it.Who needs them.