I had a similar experience. So many people offered to be there for me, but yet when I would call, text, or email I would get no reply. I didn't want anything from anyone most of the time. Just to talk about anything, just to feel normal for a little while. I felt betrayed, but I've gotten over that. I have new people in my life now and I feel the same way about them as you have described. I think for me going through this experience has changed me into a completely different person and my life is so different now then it was before. I agree about the new friends part too, I am much happier with them as well! Glad you have found those who make you happy :)

When our spouses died, we did become someone else! For so long we were Brian & Cindy that I wasn't the same me they knew anymore. That's neither good nor bad, it just is. To the others I was a reminder that if a couple stays together long enough, one of them will bury the other. Yet others ( I'm giving the benefit of the doubt here) wanted to help, but didn't know what to do or say. So, in thier fear, did nothing.

In times of need only TRUE friends will be there for you. It's a very hard way to find out how many people you thought were your friends are not. I don't buy the excuse that they don't know what to say or think that you want to be left alone to grieve your loss. When life changing events happen you have to re-invent yourself and that includes making new friends who are more compatible with your new reality. I'm glad you've made new friends. I've had to come to terms with the fact that some people I thought were good friends really aren't and I need to move on and only maintain those friendships that are there for you in good times and bad times -- and sadly, they're very few. Hugs! Connie

Marilyn,

Your post is so true. We no longer see life as we once did due to our newand unwelcomedperspective on life. By necessity, we HAD to change and those changes threw us into a new world.

Friendships seem to come in categories: surface, mediocre, and in-depth. The latter category is what we often strive toward; however, reality teaches us that it is a rare commodity. That special type of friendship is generally sprinkled with loyalty, honesty, communication, and empathy: qualities that surpass the fly-by-night friendships that dot our path. Loss teaches us priorities, and we infuse that into our mode of developing friendships. Faithful friends are a true blessing.

Marilyn, it's sad to think that we invested so much time into friendships in our pasts that had little room for life's bumps and bruises. It certainly brings to light what level of friendship we possess with others. Blessings to you as you enjoy your new and valuable friends. TJ

It seems that friends "abandoning" you is a common occurence in widowhood. What I find interesting is that all the "friends" we had from church acted as if I didn't exist any more after my husband passed away--but if I see those people in Walmart or anywhere else they want all the details of what I'm doing and how I'm doing--am I still living in the same place etc. I really expected those people to be there---at least call or come by and ask how I was or if I needed anything--not one of them called or came by. I got a few sympathy cards but no one took the time to check on me, including our pastor. It was as if when Steve passed away I become a non-entity--I no longer counted. I could not bring myself to go back to that church so I've been visiting one closer to home. At first, when I saw those people somewhere, and they asked how I was doing or whatever, I would open up and share things, but it became apparent pretty quickly that they weren't really interested in how I was, just nosy enough to want to hear all the gory details if things weren't going well. It sickened me. Now when I see them I just feel cold, I say little and give more of a "why do you ask?" type reaction. It seems that one of the main things they want to know is if I kept my home for some reason. It's just so odd the way people act after you are no longer a "we" but a "me". I too hope to find a new niche, new friends, new experiences. It's sad that it has to be that way though. I hope I also find that the new is better than the old when it comes to friends.

It's amazing how God puts people in our life when we need them.

When I was "Karen and Bill" ...........I was a CONFIDENT and happy.
Now, ................well, I'm looking for ways to feel good about myself again.
I'm quieter, serious, contemplative and a bit unsure. So, the old friends probably feel like they are with a stranger.
Heck, I'm a stranger to me!

These days I'm not drawn to old friends so I don't hold it against them. I've likely confused them.

Friends change after EVERY monumental life event.

Now that Bill is gone...............I prefer to "hang with" others who are like me. People who've been in that dark place and are trying to climb out. Birds of a feather................................

When Gary died I only had one friend who lives about 20 miles away so when a new hairdresser told me her mother and I had a lot in common and should get together, I was happy to maybe be making a new friend. We went for coffee and talked for an hour and it seemed to me to go well. At the end, she told me to call her if I would like to do something together. I called a week later & got voice mail, left a msg. No response. Called again the next week, left msg, no response. I had her daughter's e mail so I sent a note asking if I had the wrong phone number or was her mother having a problem. No response! Not a great start on making new friends.

I'm reminded of something that a friend of Marsha's (Marjoe) said: "I'm not the same woman that married him, and I'm not the same woman that buried him." We DO change, and as we've all noted before - grief rewrites your address book. I received far more support from people I met after I lost Cliff than those that knew him. With the exception of a few close friends of the family, my so-called friends weren't there for me. I think it scared the heck out of them. Like you, I was terribly hurt but later realized I was better off without them.

Love and Hugs to you, Marilyn!
Martha

i agree, its amazing u really do find out who your true friends are. I had been best friends with a woman for 40 years when my husband passed away. just out of coincidence she came to the hospital to visit my husband and the doctors came to tell me he would die that day. i turned to her i had no one else there with me. Her answer oh i cant handle this and she left. She came to the funeral and stood there telling me that she would be with me and check on me and help me with everything. She called me 1 time in 12mos. and that was to help her move and to tell me how much she was missing her boyfriend who was out of town. My response was at least you will see him again and I hung up. Havent spoken to her since. I guess she'll call if she wants something else. Life is too short to put up with people like this.

I don't really think its anyone's fault. I like Marjoe's "Im not the same woamn who married him and I'm not the same woman who buried him". I think that says it all.

We are NOT the same people after loss as we were before losss, and I DO think it scares the hell out of people. I have a very best friend that I've had for years. I just talked to her today as a matter of fact. I had remembered it was her birthday, and called to leave a message. 5 minutes later the phone rang and it was her. We haven't spoken in months. she told me of a card she had on her table for the last month that she wanted to send to me, but had no idea what to write on it/ she said to me 'What do you write to someone in your shoes? Jus I'm thinking of you? What Can i do for you? how are you?" I said to her 'All of the above", because the truth is that we DON'T KNOW what we need most of the time. for me, sometimes it's to be alone. then sometimes, when i'm with people I want to be alone. when I'm alone, I want to be with people. So I think we are just different and people don't know us anymore. That scares them I KNOW.

the people we meet after loss have nothing to compare to, and can get to know the person we are NOW.

I think that's the difference?

I'm so glad you have made such great new friends! Thats the best part!! NEW FRIENDS don't care about what you were like 'before'. they like you for who you are NOW

HUGS Diane

My so called best friend of 35 years was so kind after Jim died. She seemed so concerned. She invited me to dinner a few times but when I lost control and the tears threatened to come that stopped. I actually think she thought my grief would be over in a short time. I went for a long time without talking to her and then her husband had 5 heart attacks in a row and was revived. Then heart surgery. I can't help her because I don't understand why her husband is here and mine is gone. I just don't have the sympathy after her shunning me for showing my feelings. So I talk to her and hope the best for her husband but it will never be the same. It seems a friendship is a terrible thing to waste. I have new friends who are widows and they truly do understand.

Amazing how this topic goes around from day one I came here...

Our changes are just this: defined as a couple we are now only ONE
Been seen, talked to, and friended as a couple now a single -
1) Our grief saddens many - they do not know what to do
2) They hate the fact it could be them
3) They want happy things in their lives - the ONE is now unhappy (too long for them)
4) Its hard to have a fifth wheel in couple type functions
5) They identified w/him not so much you
6) All of the above and more BUT what the hay its not our fault....

Loneliness is lonely - I just thought friends no matter what could get that.....and try once in awhile to break that up a little bit here and there.....sigh guess not....

I am too young to be alone but I do not know how to find just a friend to do things with -

I know what you are feeling. Some friends are saying they will ring and check how I am going. Nearly three months now and nothing. If it wasn't for one good friend from work who is pushing me and supporting me I think I would be dead now. I would love some of them to call and let me talk about my partner and everything but they don't.