I want to be the first to answer this because we never ever "move on" we move forward.

It is more like a web that included our old lives and then the person that we became because of all that we went through, which then connects to our new love and our new life. It does not exclude...but includes our memories. We stop fighting to keep our memories because we know that they are part of us and the person that we are with accepts us for who we are (which includes) our memories and our loss.

Our grieving heart has absolutely nothing to do with our loving another. It is really like we have two hearts.

Wherever we are in our grieving process does not change because we find new love. You cannot stop the grieving process or "not" grieve. If you do fall in love again before you have grieved fully, you drag the other person through the grieving process with you...but you still grieve fully for however long that takes.

I have loved again, but I have not found "the one again" yet, so maybe I should leave this discussion to others who are now in love with another love of their life.

I just "know" that it is not a cut and dry kind of thing where one life ends and another begins and is more a continuation of who we are now.

I will leave the rest of the questions to my other friends who are currently in committed relationships with another love.

hugs...
-Diana

This brings to mind one of the men in the community that lost his wife of 35 years. He is a nice man; teacher at the local high school and active in the community. People were shocked to the point of talking about him behind his back when he got married again t oa much younger woman on New Years Day. They are expecting their first child which was another topic of conversation as the man and his deceased wife never had kids. Maybe for some people, different can be good. I will not judge.

Widows/widowers may not always be the perfect choice in a mate. I think it all depends on what you personallly want out of life. I have not seen any young widowers areound my area, so I will not hold my breath.

Maggie

Ray, I'll try to keep it short....

"When You Started This New Relationship Had You Stopped Most Of Your Grieving And Pain," NO - far from it. BUT we were just friends/penpals for a year - we weren't romantically involved.

"Or Did Starting This New Relationship Stop Some Of The Pain And Grieving?" NO - we were both grieving, so the support helped, but the pain of the losses were still very much there.

"The Other Question I Have Is Did Most Of You Find Someone Who Was A Widow Or Widower Or Other." YES - my new husband is a widower (Mark/Acuriousfish), and we met in this group. I seriously doubt I could have become involved with someone who did not understand what it was like to be widowed. Maggie is right that not every widow/widower would be a good partner, but at the same time, I think for me I needed someone who understood what I felt.

Hope that helps...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

There is a group here at DS - "Hopeful Hearts" - for people who want to find someone again, are dating, are doubting, have re-married etc. You can be part of that and maybe get some insight on this stage of life. It is different for everyone. Check it out -

I am just starting to date after losing my husband to suicide. I was hoping dating would help with the lonliness, grieving. I think about my husband many, many times a day. I still cry for him daily. I think your right missmyhero. Whether it's to early for me to date or not, I'll find out.

Date anyway. There is no betrayal involved - when you said the words "Until death do us part" you never thought what that really meant - yet here we all are, because that did happen.. Company is really good to help us move on, but you might have to hone your acting skills, because nobody really wants to be with a sorry suzie. One needs to go with the idea in mind that we should set about seeing to it that the person who we are with has a really good time.

Great questions, Ray. As Martha has said a new relationship doesn't alter grief. I also agree with Maggie, finding a widow or widower is not always the perfect choice, but finding someone who is not jealous of your memories and understands your love for that spouse is of tremendous value. We love (present tense) and personally I think a widow or widower can understand that better than someone who hasn't lived through it.

I have found love again from a man who has the ability to understand me and my experiences and memories with my marriage and loss. We both agree we are a product of that experience in life, have children who are part of that marriage, and both of us embrace that in each other. For the past year and a half that we have lived together pictures of us and our spouse and children have been displayed in our home. Our children, even though they are adults need to know our new relationship doesn't erase the past it builds on it. It is the foundation we have individually to bring us into the future.

We are waiting for new furniture (dinningroom and livingroom) to be delivered. We feel the combination of blended rooms need to become a symboll of our present relationship. It's time now for us. Everything has it's own time, whether its begining a new life alone or
with a companion

Want to add, there is a subgroup called Hopeful Hearts Loving Again After Loss on DS. Someday I hope to have it become a followup group to this site which can be accessed for widows and widowers looking to "move on" or "move through" life with or without a partner. We all need a place to rebuild ourself and sometimes its very painful and confusing to those suffering a new loss to understand life can continue when all is felt lost. I would publish the link but don't seem to be able to. If someone could as a new topic I would love it. Sharon