Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

For those newly widowed

mel40
mel40
I remember the die my late husband passed away, my house was filled within an hour. The pastor came by and advised me that he would get with me about funeral arrangements. In a well meaning manner, he stated that I was putting the funeral together for everybody else who knew my late husband, so they could say goodbye and have closure. I took that statement to mean that I was responsible for others' grief. I attended many memorials, honorariums, memorials, that I really didn't want to and was absolutely exhausted but I worried about what others would say. Three years later, I realize that I was only responsible for myself and my children. You will hear "this is your journey and do it your way." Those are very true words. Whatever you do, don't try to take on the responsibility of others' grieving and healing. We all have our own way and there really isn't anything you can do or say to help anybody else. Just be yourself and be supportive. Be kind to yourself and you will be kind to others. One day, you will see a light of happiness peeking through the clouds but until then, don't take on anymore than you have to...
kathylynch
kathylynch
I really hate he left
scottito
scottito
Mel, thanks for your thoughtful and wise advice. Kathy, there are alot of things you will find that you hate, but eventually, love will conquer all if you let it. We certainly understand, and there is no right or wrong feeling. We are all here to help each other through what none of us wanted and we certainly don't want to be here -- but here is where some of us are able to find healing of our broken hearts. ~~ Scottie
goldrop1
goldrop1
I agree its one step at a time
lovedandblessed
lovedandblessed
Thank you Mel for your post. I am 1 week shy of the 2 month marker. My husband of 31 years passed suddenly. We worked together every day our very busy medical practice. I was so torn about having a service. I didn't know how I could manage all our patients coming. My family was so great, they said to do what was right for me. In the end I decided to have a celebration of life open house this summer. It will be close family and friends only. I now am so glad with this decision and feel it will be more special. As for our patients, they have all been wonderful in contacting me with their beautiful cards and letters, which I cherish reading and 're- reading all the beautiful things they had to say about my husband. I would not of had these wonderful testimonials to my husband nor remember what anyone said at a service. I'm not telling anyone not to have a service. I am just saying like Mel relayed, do what is right for you, for "you" are the one dealing with this great loss. Be kind to yourself, as this is such a fragile time and we are so raw in our emotions. I am still living in the "fog", even though it is not as dense. Some days I can see a little Sun peeking through and gives me hope that one day the fog will go away.
Sara59
Sara59
I hate that my husband left too.
tim57
tim57
When putting together my wife's funeral I only took into consideration her wishes which we had spoken about over the years. She was raised Catholic and I Baptist, although I am nondenominational, I am Christian.
I had A Catholic Priest perform the ceremony grave side without a viewing, we didn't care for viewings anyway. Everything I organized was in honor of her and her life. If anyone would have had a problem with the service they could have had a coke and a smile and gone to a movie.
I feel we should do things of this nature according to the wishes of the ones we love, to honor and respect their memory and their life.

Peace, Tim
AfterMom
AfterMom
I treated the funeral as a shelter, no matter how many people knew and loved him in another role and friend.
I was burying my husband, my kids Dad, loving grandpa.
His death was such a sudden shock, that is ALL we could handle.
It was appropriate enough for his additional relationships & connections.
But he was OURS, first & foremost.
We did not do lengthy. I wanted to survive the day.
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