My wife of 24 years died two years ago from lung cancer and I have aimlessly struggled since then with little improvement. I joined this site ten days ago with my posting to "Hi. I'm new here. Not doing so good" and have now read the tragedies of so many just like mine since then. I am all too familiar with the never-ending stages of Denial and Depression and have come to accept them as part of my life, but not in the sense of a stage five "new beginning on the horizon" kind of Acceptance. I am still deeply in love with my wife and my Acceptance is merely the anticipation of the reuniting that awaits us. We all know about Denial and Depression, so I will get straight to the point of my sudden awakening: Stage two, Anger.

I am making this posting admittedly venting, but also in hopes of gaining insight from any of you who may have experienced a similar awakening. Revelations of my suppressed anger have surfaced in the last few days, probably triggered by my focus on so many heartbreaking stories from this site. My wife had what I always thought was a strong bond between herself and her nephew and nieces. My wife had years back lost her sister, her brother, her son, and her daughter-in-law all to heart attack or cancer, each in their forties. Thus, there was the basis for a strong bond with her nephew and nieces. Two months after my wife (I call her my wife only to withhold her name) was diagnosed with incurable cancer from her smoking addition and after her first two months of chemo, there was a really intense family get-together at our house to share tears and memories before getting the feared "months remaining" results of her first CT scan in the coming week. At one point in the gathering I noticed my wife and the relatives had been on the porch and were returning inside with my wife in tears. Not the kind of tears from stubbing your toe, but the kind of tears from the depths of your heart. I helped her into the bedroom and between her sobs discovered that her loving relatives on the porch had basically held an alcoholics anonymous kind of intervention and laid the guilt for her inevitable death on her for not following their advice from over the years to quit smoking. While they had self-righteously taken the moment to relinquish themselves from any responsibility, what she had needed was hugs and soft shoulders. Odd that they premeditated the moment to tell her when I was not there?

I went back into the living room and gave the family both barrels. From that day until her death ten months later after more cycles of chemo, brain and lung radiation, morphine, etc. none of the "loving" relatives spent a single night at our house for her care or offerred their house for her care. Except for an occasional drop-by for lunch, she became just a Facebook "Friend". To add insult to injury, the family put pressure on me after her death to expedite their payments under her Will. They received their payments, but in due time.

At a remote cabin we shared together over the years lies her stone beside mine, both engraved "Alone Together", after a story about an older couple who spent their final years alone together on an isolated island. Both stones carry her date of death. Her ashes await mine.

I have certainly overindulged your attention in my venting, or should I say my rant, and I never even realized until now that it was there just waiting to come out. Any words you might share would be appreciated.