Laura,
I had my first wedding anniversary without my husband George on 6/11/09. For me the anticipation of the day was worse than the day itself. I was sad, I also smiled remembering our wedding day. On that day you may feel a wide range of emotions and thats ok. Be gentle with yourself, its not easy and won't be. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.

My "first" was less than two weeks after his death. Needless to say, I was already in unbearable pain and no one else really knew this so I more or less just suffered a little more that day. All I can suggest to you is try to focus on the happy years you once shared as a couple. I don't think there's any real way to avoid the pain, but maybe we can balance it with some of our happier moments. A grief support leader asked us several weeks back if she could give us a pill so we could forget our spouses and all we've been through, would we want that? Dealing with all the memories can make us very sad right now but I hope that eventually, the good memories will be in the forefront.

hi Laura, My prayers are with you this week as I know the anticiaption is tough. Our first anniversary without my Robert came 6 weeks after Robert passed away. May 11th and it was Mother's Day the year we got married.It would have been 29 years. So that whole weekend was very sad for me. My older son took me out for Mother's day dinner and we talked and remebered past times but inside my heart was aching and I could barely eat. I did go to church on Mother's day and went to the Mausoleum where Robert's Niche is and took flowers. On the Monday which was our anniversary day I stayed home and could not get out of the bed.I took off from work.I just didn't want to see anyone. On Father's Day I could not go to church but late in the day I went to the Mausoleum to bring flowers.I know it is tough Laura, many hugs to you. Christine

It's one of those triggers that cause a set back. I had thought the second of special days for Don and I would be easier to handle, but they were still very hard. I often find now that I work so hard to get past the day that once it's past, I feel down.
I'm sorry for your pain and sorrow. Be kind to yourself and then start walking again. Sharon

Hi Laura,
I can relate to how hard this will be on you.
I experienced what would have been our 37th. wedding anniversary, one month after Rich passed. I don't know if this was worse or better than the fact that I also had a birthday the week after Rich passed.
I stayed by myself all day on our anniversary, wanting to just be alone with my thoughts. Yes, there were buckets of tears, but I somehow made it through. It is funny how many people just 'forgot' it was our anniversary, just because Rich wasn't here. They think it doesn't matter to you any more, but it matters a lot!
Be kind to yourself and try not to dread the day, but accept the tears and sadness that will come. It is natural for this to happen.
Bless you and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...Love, Mo

The first one was May 2008. I thought I would be okay if I went to work as usual. I wasn't. I should have stayed home and just given myself the time to grieve that day. I was fortunate that there were people who were there to hug me and let me cry, but I really should have stayed home that day. I learned to plan time for those occasions or just anticipate I MIGHT be an emotional wreck. I've journaled about the second anniversary (May 2009). I don't journal very often, but sometimes it helps too. Love and Hugs, Martha

Laura:
My husband went suffered a cardiac arrest on May 6th few days before Mother's day which he always made a big deal. My kids brought me flowers and a card at the hospital. My sister and friends brought me a gift. I remember last year my husband gave me a chain with a medal that is call circle of life. I knew he would have gotten me flowers, a card and a gift instead he was lying in that bed in a coma. I cried not because of what he could not give me but because I wanted him up with me. On June 23rd was my birthday and on that day my husband would have pampered me with breakfast in bed, take me out for dinner and tell me how much he loved me and it hurt that he could not talk to me. I know he was aware it was my birthday because I told him. I am sure he could hear what we told him. Father's day came along and I always made a fuss about it with the kids. My daughter came and brought him a card and a book that we read everyday for him. My daughter's card said Dad I went to church today and I said a father's day prayer for you. I asked God not for riches, fame or any material good, I asked him to please make you well. I asked him to give us a second chance with you. My son's card said "Dad I love you and I would do anything just to hear your voice again. I miss you so much and I would get on my knees to beg for just one chance with you. I love you dad and I want you back with us. Mom no longer smiles and I don't know what to do to make her smile like before. She loves you dad and misses you so much" I put these cards in my husband casket for him to take. Our anniversary is coming up in August and his birthday in September. I am dreading these dates and I don't know what I will do. I miss him so much and just wish God would give me one more chance to hug him and see him. My daughter says that if God gives us that chance we will want more and more therefore he cannot give it to us. She also says that God is kind and great that he will reward us in the end. I miss my husband and it just hurts more and more. How do we overcome this pain someone please tell me. When does it stop hurting? When can we talk about our husband without hurting or crying? When do we stop having this guilty feels as to what else could I have do? Why did I not see this happening? Could this have been different if I realize what was happening? These questions are driving me crazy. I Love my husband and miss him so much.

First of all, thanks to all of you who have responded to my post - although, gotta tell you guys, those are NOT the answers I was hoping for! I wanted to hear that it WOULDN'T hurt! Ok, so I am not being realistic here...
Next, just a quick comment to lindalun regarding the guilt thing - wondering if you could have done more, many of us go through that; you are not alone here. Please do not feel guilty. Your husband knows you love him and that you did the very best you could do with the knowledge you had at the time. As for when does it stop hurting? Well, so far I don't know anybody within the first year of grief who is not hurting. I have talked with older widows who are like 10 or 20 years down the road and they all say that time heals, and it gets easier. I gives us something to look forward to, I guess. My prayers and best wishes to all of you outh there. laurabp

For me the anticipation of the date is worse than the actual date. However, then after the date I can fall in a slump. Realizing what happens helps me to understand and try to give myself space to deal with my feelings. Sharon

@lindalun - there is no set time for how long it takes before you stop hurting so badly, we all travel the grief road differently. What I can tell you is that I can talk about Cliff now without pain, without tears. I can look at his photos and not sob my heart out. I can remember goofy things he did and smile instead of break down. It takes awhile, the better days start to outnumber the horrendous days after a few months, and it gets easier after the one year mark (for most people, not all). The experts say on average it's 2-4 years to fully integrate the loss into your life. I don't know if that's true or not. It will get better, it will get easier. Love and Hugs, Martha

My husband left me in March, May would have been our 43rd anniversary. Then there was 1st birthdays, 1st Fathers Day, 1st Mothers Day. So many 1st's and I agonized over every one of them. We used to send up black and white baloons to him with msgs written on them from everyone in my family, every yr. Its been now 13 yrs and we are finally able to stop. I think we all finally accepted the fact that he was gone. It has been hard for the whole family, we are will always be a very close knit family. My prayers are with you, Just keep on going, believe me it does get better. Always Kulnana