First off I have a virus on my phone messing with my texting and other things. I spellchecker but I miss something sometimes.

My thanksgiving didn't go bad at all. This is my first holiday. In the past I hated to go to my inlaws so much because my mother in law had to act and put on a show how perfect her family is while my husband needed drastic medical surgery for being so over weight and not her not help. Eeerg, sorry if there is one person I hate more than my dad its that woman and i get off track.Anyway when I could, I would volunteer to work holidays to get out of it. They didn't want me there and my husband was doted on until everyone left. so the whole thing was just a fiasco and highly uncomfortable. I was forced to move into my moms as I can't support myself, she's been amazing helping me through this.she cooked turkey, dressing and gravey. It was ssimple, but the best holiday in a loong time. I was actually wanted here and didn't feel like a third wheel they were forced to deal with. Today is a little harder for me. My mind blocks emotions up because it just can't handle the full scope all at once, it leaks out, sometimes is gushes for a little bit. I dunno it's wierd how my mind has adjusted and changed in all this. I can't think clearly anymore. Words for nouns, the days, it's like it has changed dramatically since this has happened. I don't know how long it's been as I don't count. I cant, it would drive me crazy. I keep finding out who aren't my friends, that pretty hard. I've had over half the people I knew just disappear, make promises and schedule a tourney the day I released my husbands ashes. I waited two extra months so he could attend. that hurt  . and people I talked to while he was alive, we actually talked and not a one word answer. they ignored my texts etc. nothing to do with me. however that being said, I have people who want me to talk to them, but they seem to have withdrawn some since I stayed there after the funeral. colder, more reserved. I'm like, what happened? I showed up as a suprise because I get begged to come visit every week. when I did they took off to another friends house. granted they offered for me to join but I had just worked on cleaning out my house, and the friend they went and saw were drug addicts. I don't wanna be around that. Im tying to shift into my older friends who aren't into those things. but again, one word answers. I ask myself what am I doing wrong that they don't want to talk to me? Am I really that different a person? did my psyche really cracked that badly? if so how do I fix it? how do I get my thoughts to be clear again? it's an endless merry go round of self doubt, sever lack of self confidence, and wondering what I'm doing wrong. it's exhausting. I'm aware I should see a psychiatrist. my family dr was amazed I wasn't seeing one before allt his happened. I'm forced to wait until I'm amazed liable to get on disability due to a joint disease. and mental of course. anyway, it's just thought and expieriences I've had. I haven't posted in a while.