Your post hit me hard..that is the date of my husbands bday. So I'm right beside you in dreading that date. But we need to just take one day, and all it's ups and downs, at a time. One foot in front of the other..it's just a saying it's real. Like I use to say to my widowed sister (and she now says to me). Instructions for the day: BREATH IN...BREATHE OUT>>>REPEAT OFTEN. Hang in there and we'll get to and thru that date together. You've got a circle of support on here.. Hugs, Diane

I am at the same place you are - my husband died Dec. 1st. But I got a new assistant at work (I'm a spec ed teacher) and was surprised to learn she is around my age and her husband died last fall of the same thing as my husband. The end of Sept was her first anniversary. I think she had some trepidation - but when I asked her later - she said "it turned out to be just like any other day for me." So - I don't know - guess we'll have to see.

Next month I am having my husband's ashes buried and we are having a "short" service then going to lunch. Just immediate family and a couple of friends. The last 2 times I drove into the cemetary I started to cry. (I was alone - and just going to make arrangements.) I didn't cry at the funeral or ever around friends but after today I'm wondering how I'll be at the cemetary next month. I'll have to pick up my husband's ashes from the funeral home and bring them with me. I don't know if I wish someone else were doing that but there is no one else.

I just had the 1st anniversary about 3 weeks ago. I, like you, had been dreading that day for a couple of months. I thought it would be the most horrible day and I would replay the events over and over in my head. It really wasn't that much worse than any other bad day. I freaked out more than I needed to. Choose to do what you want for that day. Some people do or go somewhere that you would have gone together, some keep that day to remember him, visiting the grave site, some treat it like any other day and go to work, etc. It really is up to you. For me, I knew I had to keep myself busy, but couldn't stand going to work. I took the day off and spent a very wonderful day with my 1yr old son (i let him play hookie from daycare) and my sister came to visit. I also had some great friends who kept me busy the few days prior also. It seemed the days leading up to the actual date were worse. It will be hard no matter what you do. Everyday is, and always will be. Good luck to you. hugs

I am still almost 5 months away from that anniversary - but after many dates that I have dreaded I have come to find that the anticipation of the dates is often far worse for me than the actual event.

It will be interesting to hear to feed back from others further along the path.

Hugs

Debbie

October 21 was my first year anniversary. From the beginning of October I started counting the days till instead of the days after. A gloom was cast over many of the days as "that" day approached. The anticipation increased and the few nights before I tossed and turned. This may sound really strange but I thought perhaps he would visit me on the night he died and I was unsettled.
The morning of that day I hadn't made any plane other than dinner with his kids and ex. I couldn't make up my mind about going to the cemetery until I talked to his daughter ad we decided to go. His sister would meer us out there and as it turned out so did his ex. I bought balloons and flowers and we had a little rememberance ceremony and went to eat lunch, talked for three hours and went for dinner. Like so many here, the anticipation was worse than the day. Though it marked the milestone of a year, in reality it was just another day without him. I have progressed a lot since those first fresh months and coping is easier but I feel his absence more.
We all have our ways of coping with that day. Mine turned out well and will become a first memory. Wishing you the same.

The first year anniversary (18th August) was horrible for me. All those memorie of what happened on that shocking day came flooding back but this time I had to deal with them without the shock factor. What did help me tremendously, was that night, I went out to dinner at his favourite restaurant with my friends and we toasted him and remembered him and also landed up having a great evenning with lots of laughs. My advise is to do something on that day which will help lighten the mood and not to be alone - try and be with people who cheer you up. Thinking of you and hugs, Gail xxx

The first anniversary, I took off from work, and my sons and I went to the cemetery and said prayers and put flowers on his grave. We also said anything that we felt we needed/wanted to say to Cliff. It was hard. I am glad I planned for it and took the day off. I made the mistake of working on some of the other "firsts" with disastrous consequences (especially our first wedding anniversary alone).

The second anniversary, we went to the cemetery the day before, laid flowers and said prayers again, again it was hard but a little easier. The following day, on the death anniversary day, I narrowly escaped being killed in a car crash on my way to work - I hit the guardrail at 55 mph, totaled the car, and yet somehow I survived. I wish I'd taken that day off too....

I'm coming up on the third anniversary, and I anticipate that there will be a lot of remembering, but I also know now that I can get through it.

You should remember that you have made it this far, you can make it a little farther still. Give yourself some leeway for the day and spend it in whatever way seems right to you - trust your instincts.

I am sorry for your loss.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Keep in mind that the anticipation may be worse than the actual day, which has happened to a lot of us. The important thing is to have a plan and do what makes you comfortable. For some people this is going off by themselves, for some it is having a memorial day with other family members, or planning a specific family event, and on and on. For me the day before was actually worse than the day itself. I bought myself a frozen pizza and a bouquet of flowers at the supermarket. Nobody else would have understood the significance of those two things except my husband, but it made sense to me. On the actual day I was out shopping, noted the time of day, paused for a short prayer, and that was it. We are all different. Good luck. laurabp

Kathleen, my 'first anniversary' was on 7/11. In trying to cope with my grief and guilt over my husband's sudden, unexpected and devastating death, I had a friend fly in to stay with me (my husband's birthday is 7/16 so she stayed for that too). I sought comfort in her visit, my great dog, phone calls, this and other web sites. The best words of comfort that I found, surprisingly, came from Winnie the Pooh, If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.

Gosh,everyone. What helpful ideas you had for me. Thanks so much. The ideas you gave me were not to be alone, spend time with loved ones, do something I enjoy. We have a spring fed river about 5 miles from my house. I think I'll ask my son to take me for a ride on the river that day. Then we can eat out. Thanks for the understanding and care you all gave me!
Kathleen

The first anniversary was horrible. My husband was in bed dieing for four days before he died, so actually those four days were horrible as my mind relived those days and moments over and over again.

On the actual day we planned to let balloons go at the cemetary and to all get together for a barbeque, (my children, grand children, and I) so the exact day was busy and we were together so was easier.

Plan something...whether you light a candle, let balloons go, write a letter to him and burn it, get together with loved ones....whatever, plan something to honor him.

You are right, the anniversary of the day that we lost them is one of the hardest things to go through. Somehow, some way it too comes and goes and becomes another part of the memories.

Sending you lots of hugs as you go through this.
-Diana

I am facing the same thing Dec 15. I am trying to prepare myself. Our anniversary is Christmas Eve and last year I was to numb to even think about it. this year will be different. I am also dreading Thanksgiving my first for years without him. I just keep praying for strenght to make it through.
Hugs to you

Dear, sweet Kathleen,

Your love for Joe shines through in every word you write. I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how tough all those "firsts" can be. Yet I also learned that dreading them was worse than experiencing them. If I kept "planning" for them to be awful, then my plans usually materialized. So ..... I began to plan differently.

When an event is coming up that I anticipate will be difficult for the kids and I, we try to plan to do something entirely different than we would normally do on that day. This meant that last Christmas the kids and I flew to Canada. This wasn't something we had ever done with their Dad. It was something entirely new. We still cried our tears on Christmas day, and it felt strange to not be home around our own tree, but we built new memories in a new location. It helped us navigate through a tough season. Last year on what would have been our anniversary I invited a couple girlfriends over to my house and fixed a fabulous candlelit dinner. I still talked about Ross, but the shared tears and laughter helped me navigate rough waters without sinking under the waves.

I hope that helps in some way. Plan something special for yourself (and kids if they're around) that day that you would NEVER have done with Joe. Try it -- you might like it (my mother used to say that!).

Love and hugs,
Tami

I agree with Debbie(sandgroper), the anticipation of special days ahead, especially my first anniversary (December 3rd), seems to be worse. It seems the closer I get to it, the worse I am feeling.
Just remember we are all here for you and understand.

Karen

It might not be as bad as you think it will be. There is some comfort in knowing that you've made it through all of those days. My husband died five years ago November 4th and I still get a little anxious as the day comes but I think you have to decide for yourself how you are going to honor the memory without destroying yourself.