Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am a 45 year old, father of 2, widower. I lost my wife of 21 years to lung cancer on February 19th after a 14 month battle. The grief is overwhelming at times and I find it very hard to push through the days alone. I don't remember what life was like before we found each other.
Our marriage was far from perfect, but we always found a way to forgive and endure. We both grew up in broken homes and were determined that our children would not know those struggles. We had our ups and downs, but in the 18 months before we found out she was sick we had found each other in a way we hadn't before and were in a state of true happiness. We had struggled and fought so hard to get to that point. Then everything was turned upside down on December 15, 2017. She started radiation treatment on Jan. 3 2018 and things were going good until the last week in January. She got an infection on the outside of her left lung and almost died but she fought through it and after completing her radiation and 1st round of chemo on April 16, 2018 her largest tumor had shrank from the size of a large lemon to the size of a pea. She was getting Keytruda every 3 weeks while she was waiting to start her second round of chemo.
In early June 2018 she had a reaction to the Keytruda and it had to be stopped. From that point on it was all downhill. She fought until her body couldn't fight any longer and I lost her on a Tuesday February 19, 2019 at 7:02pm. Part of me wishes that she would have died in Feb 2018. I would have lost a year with her but I wouldn't have this memory of what the cancer did to her. She weighed 166lbs the day that she started radiation treatment on Jan 3, 2018. The day that she died she weighed less than 80lbs.
I called an ambulance to come take her to the hospital on Feb 18 because she was having trouble breathing. I had to pick her up and carry her outside to the stretcher because they couldn't get it through our door. When I lifted her off of our couch she felt light as a feather. It was like picking up one of our children when they were little. I held her there for a bit, kissed her, told her that I loved her, and assured her that everything was going to be ok. That was the last time that I got to hold her.
We talked a few times when she was in the ER. The last thing that we talked about was if she wanted to be put on a ventilater and she said "You know what I would want." I said ok and told her that I loved her. Her last words were "I love you too. Find me when you get here. I'll be waiting." After that I had that difficult conversation with the doctor about what to do next. I told the doctor that she had suffered enough, make sure that she doesn't suffer any longer. I did get angry and cause quite a scene when they removed her Fentanyl patches. I brought our travel bag with us to the ER and I had a few patches with me, so I put them back on her and told them that if anyone tried to take them off I would kick their ass.
The weight of her loss is crushing me. She was everything to me and I often told her that her love was more important to me than the air that I breath. Every where I go and everything that I do collides with a memory of her. I miss her so much that it physically hurts. I am so alone with out her and if it wasn't for our children, I would have died of a broken heart by now.
She told me that she wanted me to be happy after she was gone. To find someone to continue life with, but instead I lock myself away inside because I can't face the world without her by my side. Her face was the first thing that I saw every morning when I opened my eyes and it was the last thing that I saw before closing my eyes. How do you mend your heart when it is this broken? How do you move on with life after the light of your life has been taken away? I'm treading water and I need to find something to hold on to before I drowned in grief.
You may want to go to a grief group. I felt like I was going crazy till I went. You are not cus many people felt the same as I did. All those feelings you are feeling are normal. And believe me in time things will get better. You will still have moments when it pops up and you will get down. It still happens to me esp on certain dates. Birthdays, holidays etc. You never forget but you will survive and get on with life in time. It took me 2 yrs to start dating again. And I still have not found the right guy, maybe I never will. But it's in God's hands and I take one day at a time now. So please find a grief group, it will help so much. Take care! Linda
Ways to cope, yeah who knows. Grief groups if you want to talk about it with others. I did two and some days were better than others. I have a good therapist that has been working with me to understand my grief and has helped get me through some of the really dark times. I also have kept a journal as another outlet. Rely on your family and friends if you can. If people offer their time, say yes as much as you can.
I completely get how much it hurts right now. You lost the most important person in your life. The person who really knew you and understood you. It's a trauma that needs time to heal. When the time is right, you'll want to get back out to the world. Just so you know, I'm very much still a work in progress in my grief. Take care.
The hardest part to manage is the instant emotional triggers. A song I heard opened the flood gates yesterday at the grocery store. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy because i was openly weeping but I didn't care.
I am seeing a therapist and it has helped. It is really simple things that he has helped me with that has made the biggest difference. One of the biggest was "Being OK with not being OK."
I feel like I have failed my children because I allowed my grief to overwhelm me and I didn't get them the help that they needed until I got myself help. My son is really struggling. He is 17 and has a lot of misplaced guilt. He feels like he should have done more but I tried to explain to him that we did everything possible. Things were exactly the way that she wanted them throughout the entire process, but he still feels like he should have spent more time with her while she was fighting. He has started being very self destructive and nothing that I have done to help seems to work.
I have always been the strong silent type and for them to see me openly crying has been hard for both of them. I want them to know that it is ok to cry and grieve. Not to hold on to the pain. Try to let it go.
One thing that I did that helped me some was getting a tattoo that she had recreated on me. It is part of a larger tribute that will take up my entire left arm. The pain while getting the tattoo was very cleansing, if that makes sense. It will take months to complete and every piece is part of a larger picture.
My goal now is to make sure that my children are ok and that they deal with everything in a healthy way. At the same time getting the help that i need to make helping them easier.
It sounds like you are doing what you can while going through this part of your life journey and as hard as it is, every part does serve a purpose. Weeping as harsh as it is , does help relieve the toxins that accumulates from grieving and helps keep your body healthier .
Also let me apologize in advance if some of this post is jumbled, not only am I writing in a second language but I am also dealing with the effects of a concussion .
This week end would be my wedding anniversary. We would have been married 29 years and it would have been his first year retired so we would have probably have been on a vacation somewhere celebrating ...
I lost my husband a few months before our 23 rd wedding anniversary 6 years ago in January 2013 to Lung Cancer so I do understand some of the same things yet things were different. We also were blessed with a son and daughter who at the time were 21 and 19 both at University both feeling like they should be there more.
My son went through a path that had me worried and kept things inside . It did not help that a few months after his dad passed, he finished University and moved a few provinces away . 6 years later , he finally started grieving and saw a therapist . It's a work in progress but he is doing so much better and some of it was because of preparing for his wedding...It finally opened up the doors of his emotions ...
One thing that helped me was living my grieve and letting my kids see I was human . My son recently told me that he was proud of me for being so strong.
I had to force myself out of bed and repeat to myself daily, "your kids need you" in order to finally be able to cope and start making some progress. Both my kids refused therapy until this year even though I knew they needed it. It had to come from them. I did make sure to tell them often that even though I was a mess and even though I may not have the answers , that I would always hear them out and that sharing their grieve , their pain, their loss was something I would also do. they both told me on different occasions that they felt that did not want to add to my pain. That's really all I could do, keep making sure that they knew that the line of communications were always opened.
One foot at a time is all I could do, one day I look behind to see 6 months had gone by and that grieve attacks still came on but not as hard and not quite as often ...Today I look back and 6 years have gone by...I still get some grieve sadness and cry at times and that's o.k. because that to me means how important he was, how loved he was .
I have not dated anyone , I am in no rush to find out if their is someone else out there for me even though he asked me to move on with my life. When I met him, it was meant to be and if I am blessed to have someone else in my life it will be meant to be and it will be in order to fill a different part of my life journey not to repeat the life I had with my husband. It will have it's own purpose. It has taken me 6 years to come to this point. I did at times out of pure loneliness consider online dating and then quickly realized why and that it was for the wrong reasons. I am not disregarding my husband's wishes by still being alone , I am making sure that if I do fill out that request it will be for the right reasons and not out of loneliness .
Like you our marriage was not perfect and we fought to stay together and 2 years prior to him getting sick we had rediscovered why we did get married and we were at the best phase of our marriage . For this I am grateful.
Recently I was reading a fiction book when this was written so I wrote it down " grief is something you have to learn to accommodate , not something you get through and get out the other side " -from the book by author Santa Montefiore, After 6 years I can see the value of that quote.
May you and your children learn to accommodate your grieve in the least painful way ... Hugs
Your sadness is touching. I am sorry for any unpleasant thoughts.
Your wife is in eternal glory, and there is rest from the cares of sickness for her now. Yet it is still fear of the unknown which threatens you and your children, and this is a very strong factor of emotional distress, of which is constantly pestering during the assortment of so many mournful thoughts.
I feel strongly that your wife was a faithful and loyal wife and mother. No doubt your son is experiencing unsettled feelings that battle with the memories of his mother, and this is only the nature of thought; your son is processing information through his mind straight to the heart for someone he needs the most in his life. And fears along with emotions are inflated during moments of deep or heavy feelings.
You deserve daily influence of kind and understanding support. I hope for you and your family to receive constant encouragement, renewed strength of body and mind, and do try especially to focus your mind at once (rest) during the spell of dark thinking, without delay, which you may expect we receive, so be quick and ready to plan ahead for some active ideas to distract your mind and thoughts away from bothersome moments. Chase away the busy-bee thoughts of gloom.
And death is often a dark and complicated thing, with mysterious corners to turn you to memories of pain and sadness, coping is difficult, as the mind naturally searches for understanding. I did this during my time of dealing with my own personal emotions of grief. Fight back though. You can imagine and do uplifting things, take time to ponder and delight in the happier moments of your marriage relationship (remember always that your wife still wants to share in chat with you!) (Your daydreams will always be covered by her constant love for you and your children.)
Soft peace to you...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9TE8D5Vs8k
All the best wishes to you. Rogerxxx