Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

0 Online

chezmacmoo 07/05/2015

That is how I found MY Anthony, with a random comment on a 40+ dating site. Finding Love .. Ironically, I was using the Title as a euphemism, if singles in South Africa were relying on our internet connectivity; one would die alone or be totally dependent on Cupids arrow.

Well Cupid Arrow struck! Anthony responded to my humour and a destined friendship was born. We chatted for over a month and then finally decided to meet.

It took one look into one another eyes, a quaint restaurant, one of cupids arrows and we both knew we had found Loves home. Yes, it was Love at first sight. Neither of us ever looked back

We spent Four Fantasmogorical years together. Never, once arguing or angry with one another. We finished each others sentences. Sat the same way. Loved the same food. Shared the same interests. We were the proverbial two peas in a pod.

On the 26 April 2015, a Higher Power, decided to take Anthony at 52. Anthony passed away on our bed. A healthy, vibrant, strong, sexy, independent, confident mans HEART gave in. I tried to resuscitate him, but to no avail! His heart stopped beating and mine shattered into a million fragments. My two boys witnessed it all! The trauma and shock has affected them both tremendously.

It is now, two a bit months since my LAST kiss goodbye and I find myself trapped in a Time Warp. The first month and a half I was constantly busy:

Trying to find a job.

Sorting out tons of paperwork.

Keeping the wolf away from the door.

Saying goodbye to my oldest Son.

Dealing with my youngest Son. Through shock and trauma, Type 1 diabetes set in. He was hospitalized for 3 weeks with erratic Sugar Control. Whilst in hospital, Depression set in, so they removed him to the Psychiatric Ward.

Having to let my two dogs go.

Car Breaking down

The fear of living alone in South Africa, never knowing when you will get unexpected visitors in the night!

Now, I sit alone (for the first time in my life), no one to speak or turn too. So much hurt and anger ever present!

In South Africa, if you are not married, your union is not recognized. You have no legal claim whatsoever. You cannot arrange the funeral or take claim of the ashes if your partner has living family. Basically you count for nothing . A mere whisper in the Night, Hence my comment, forever hurt and anger present.

Thank God, we resided in my home, or I would be on the street right now.

Everyday seems worse that the day before!. I miss him with my soul! I wish I had a time machine.

dschwartz 07/05/2015

Dearest Chez . . I'm so very sorry for your recent loss and life struggles. Your current situation seems ever so complicated on top of normal early grief. You must be one heck of a strong woman to still be standing and taking care of the business you need to tend to. I'm not sure I could have handled all the above that you've been through and are going through . . and I consider myself to be strong. God bless you my friend. Welcome to our group, so glad you found us through unfortunate circumstance. We will walk this journey together with you and I hope you will find some measure of comfort here with us. Sending lots of healing energy your way. Hugs, Dayna

tiger1962 07/05/2015

I am so sorry for your loss. My wife died at 54. She passed away just a few months being diagnosed with cancer and one month after my mom had a bad stroke that knocked her down unconsiously. There are moments in life that storms seemingly never stop. But they will. Nothing in life is permanent. This one will pass. You will see sky again. Now take one day a time. Try to take care of yourself. Hugs, Tiger

Rainbow27 07/05/2015

Dear Chez, I am so sorry for your precious loss. Thank you for sharing your journey. My husband passed last year from stage iv cancer. Healthy one day, the next he was in extreme pain. After three scans, he was diagnosed stage iv. My life has not been the same since. I joined this support group and also a group hospice recommended. all helpful. You have so much going on. Tiger was right - one day at a time. Sending you many hugs to get through today.

chezmacmoo 07/05/2015

Thank you kindly for responding. It is quiet surreal to know that so many others are going through and feeling what I am currently experiencing. It is in fact heart warming to know that one is not an island! Apologies for hijacking an American Site to air my feelings. Unfortunately, in SA these type sites are not available. As I am alone and live in a very quiet area, I have way too much time to think! One part of me knows that I have to deal with all these mixed emotions filtering through my mind. Another part of me just wants to sit down quietly and sob unstoppably! It is as if I am on Auto Pilot, just doing what has to be done. When I get home and the house is empty that is when the sadness takes over. One positive thing, I found a job, which in SA at my age is a miracle. The money if not grand, but at least I can keep my home. My oldest son, left SA for the UK after Anthony passed, and emailed me today saying he too found work. Phew, one less worry.

I am too am sorry for your losses Dayne and Tiger. Losing a Life Partner is like losing half of oneself. I know I will see the sky again. But at the moment, there appears to be a lot of grey clouds surrounding my immediate space. Sadly, I wish my time with Anthony had been permanent. At least a few more years could of being allowed....

dschwartz 07/05/2015

You are not an island my friend . . and no apologies for hijacking an American site . . we have members all over the world!! I'm just glad you found us. Congrats on getting the job. It will help in more ways than just keeping the roof over your head. It will add a bit of purpose to your life and keep you from isolation (which can be a huge issue with many W/W's). You have such a positive outlook. You are new here, but I sense this in your spirit and words written. You will survive this! Keep that positive mental attitude going and it will carry you through. This does not negate the need to grieve. Allow room for the tears, for they are healing tears. Auto-pilot? We've all been there. It's our psyche's way of enduring the pain and surviving. Day by day, moment by moment . . the healing will come and you will see the sky again as Tiger said. It's ever so slow . . but it does come. Easy does it. Remember to breathe, take care of you. We are here with you. Hugs, D

JesusisOurSaviour 07/05/2015

Dearest Chez,
I am sorry for your tragic loss. The one thing we all have on common on this site, is GRIEF....albeit in different stages but I know for sure we are all here for you. With, love , encouragement and support you will
Get through this even if it is the hardest trial you may ever face.

Thankfully, you have found a job....Yeah! Your older son, in England has found a job even in all your turmoil, right now....there can be good things happening. I am thinking of your younger son, hoping and praying the diabetes will get under control and the emotional shock will dissipate.....please take care of yourself, take it moment by moment. We are here for you,
Hugs......Sandra

npc4204 07/05/2015

I, too, am very sorry for your loss. We're here for you even though there's many miles between us. You are not alone. We understand your pain and grief.
It takes time, so much time. Day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute ...

Hugs,
Janie

Shrn 07/05/2015

Welcome to the group none of us plan on joining, but most are glad they did. I lost my husband to lung cancer and thought my life had ended with his death. It's a difficult task to get through but the tunnel has an end and walking it together helps. I'm sorry for your loss and hope to get to know you better. Sharon

jenniferalves 07/06/2015

No words can help! My fianc passed in May when we took him to the hospital when his headache would not go away. He had a brain hemorrhage and passed during surgery. I read your story and I am so sorry about the rules in South Africa. In California Danny and i's relationship is recognized by the state. I got to make all the funeral arrangements and thank god his family supported my decisions, it made his passing easier for me. I hope you find some peace in time. Whether the state recognized your relationship or not, it was real!!!! Soul mates are soul mates. I miss mine every day. Stay strong. Hopefully one day we will get through a day without pain.

chezmacmoo 07/06/2015

Had an uncanny thought last night after reading all your heartfelt empathy and Learnt advice. A lot of you have being on your hearts journey for a longer time than I. Many have turned corners that I am still to negate. I realized last night, as much as We all lost our Partners, so to did they loose us!. I wonder how they feel moving on without us in their world. They too must experience the heartache and longing that we experience. There are NO Boundaries in True Love ... Love never dies, it just cant!

We never get over the loss of a Loved one, we just get through it day by day. I accept, I will never be the same. How can I, because everything has changed. But, I was so fortunate to have experienced True love, that even though my heart is aching, I know that it is stronger and more complete knowing that it had reciprocated love, albeit only for a short time.

Never mind where my life's journey will lead, Anthony will always be a part of it, because he is NOW part of my make up. I, too am part of his! That is Soul love!!! For this I give thanks.

durbgirl 07/06/2015

Hi Chez,

So sorry for your loss and the other problems you are encountering.

I think you will find that there are members from various countries here (I'm UK based but South African by birth) and everyone is welcome.

Fantastic news that you have a job - I found working full time really helped me (think I would never have got out of pjs or left house if I didn't have work).

stay safe
xxx

chezmacmoo 07/06/2015

Thanks for responding Durbgirl. Yes, I am very fortunate to have found work. Being home alone for a month and half, worrying and dealing with All the other extenuating circumstances happening one after anothe, really blocked me from dealing with my loss and pain! I truly was on Auto pilot.

I know everything happens for a reason. I might not understand or agree with the reasoning, but there are events that I have absolutely no control over. I can just try and tackle each one individually as best as I can.

There have been Positive outcomes, even in tragidy. My oldest son found work and is enjoying the UK. He starts on the 13th. My youngest son was released from Hospital, his sugar is still erratic. Due to the fact that he cannot be home alone now that I am employed, he has gone to stay with his Uncle that he has not seen in awhile for the school holidays. This has lead to him developing, hopefully, a healing relationship with my Ex husband. My brother and a friend fixed my car. But most importantly, I found work close to home In the event that it breaks again. As you know SA public transport is not good.

Now it is time for me to deal with my grief and suppressed trauma! I was lead to this site where I have only encountered true empathy and understanding plus genuine encouragement!

So yes, a lot of positive outcomes are in the process! I am truly grateful!

Ironically, as I read your message saying, 'Stay Safe', two gunshot aired and an alarm triggered! SA is not for Wuzzies! Flip, another gunshot. Neighbourhood dogs going crazy.

Chez

Join the Conversation