Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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bluesprite72 07/29/2018

I lost my husband of 19 years, 7/17. He was an alcoholic and most of our time together was very tough. Through all of it I realized this was the path layed out for the two of us. It was always going to be this way and end up the way it did. We have two teenage boys that have been most of what has gotten me through all these years and getting me through things now.

I realize I have felt the full gambit of emotions possible to a human being in this relationship. The first couple of days I was mourning like I feel like people who had great relationships do. Only I wasn't in love with him at this point, I barely could stand him living with us with the horrible shape he was in and still drinking and all the other stuff.

Then I went through a time where the reality of what our relationship mostly consisted of came back to me and I wasn't sad, I wasn't numb either. I was normal, getting normal things done around the house and for the boys and I. So I went looking for whether this was normal behavior or not. Most of the articles and support forums out there are full of people who lost their best friend and love of their lives. But not much of anything for what I am going through. I am having a day where sadness is weighing me down and I am unmotivated. I just feel like my situation isn't your typical grieving process. I wasn't going to join a couple of days ago, when I wasn't feeling the sadness, but I thought I need to start somewhere, considering that I will still grieve the loss of a companion with whom I lived with for 20 years.

I know that it doesn't matter whether it was good or not, for such a period of time, someone makes an impact on your life and you have to adjust to their absence, even if you spent most of your marriage angry, sad, hurt, alone and all the other things you feel for you addicted spouse. I did love the man I met, but he did not stick around long. So, this is all confusing and weird and I just wanted to put this out there for anyone else who lost a spouse that was not easy to love, take care of and live life with.

So today I am sad after having had a couple of good days.

Myfavorite 07/29/2018

Hi bluesprite72,
My wife battled alcoholism for many years as well. She died from complications of cirrhosis of the liver. So I understand how tough it is living with addiction. What a disease. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Fortunately our love never faded, but I get it. The covering up. The cancelled plans. The loss of friends and family. Then they leave and it's confusing. You're angry. You're sad. You're relieved. I take some comfort in that she's not in pain anymore. I don't think there is a "typical" grieving process. Everyone I've talked to has their own unique story. Take care.

scottito 07/29/2018

I'm speaking as a recovered alcoholic. We met, dated and married during a self-imposed 4 year abstinence period I had. But with a job change at 27, moving my unhappy wife and unhappy out-of-control step-kids a five hour drive away from their friends and family, well, the stress was just too much and I let my disease talk me into drinking again. Juani never drank in her life, didn't like me drinking (did that mostly out of her presence), but like all alcoholics, I had it under control. I knew my liver was nearly shot, figured I had maybe 5 years before serious problems arose. Had my moment of clarity over 20 years ago in '98, so I think in our 30 year marriage she knew me as a heavy drinker in active addiction 11 years of our 1st 13 married. Deep inside all addicts have an undefined pain, we know we are messed up, think we are unique, and you reach a point where you know you are killing yourself with your drinking. But there is no program in the world that can do anything for any of us until the addict decides to quit. I grew up in an alcoholic home, lost a mother and a 32 year old brother-in-law to alcoholism. So you stuck it out. I'm certain your husband had a better life in the hell hole inside his head with you. He most likely would have died much earlier. The love you had as husband and wife may have left many years prior, but deep inside you there will always be a love for the father of your children. I hope the love you have for them outweighs all the terrible pain you suffered through the years. You did good. Best any one could. You've got my permission to just move past it knowing the book is now closed. And you've got my permission to have a happy life now. But permission or no permission, it always comes down to your choice. You might be one of those rarities that really is able to "to just move on". That's my heart on it anyways. ~~~ Scottie

cliffskat 07/29/2018

Cliff was a recovering alcoholic, and we went through hell and back because of it. Our marriage was not all sunshine and roses, and when he died it was hard because it had taken so long to get our relationship back on the right path, and just when things were going well he had an unexpected heart attack and died. We were together 30 years, 20 years with him sober.

I usually just call it my "past imperfect."

When your spouse dies, it affects you on every level, and it's almost as if you grieve through every level - good and bad. My friend Marsha once described it as being like an onion - just when you thought you'd gone through all the layers, you find another one.

I am sorry for your loss and what you and your boys have been through. Whatever you are feeling in response to your loss is okay. Sometimes it won't make a lot of sense, but that's okay, too. You will read a lot of stories here where people put their late spouses up on a pedestal. That is typical. Eventually, we do tend to realize we loved them warts and all, whether we should have or not, and forgive them and ourselves. It will take time, but don't give up,

Welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Martha, co-Community Leader

bluesprite72 07/29/2018

Thank you for your care and support. I know everyones journey in life and all our emotions, are unique to us. But I also know that there are similarites in experiences with others, that we can share and support each other with. It is what it is and this is a different kind of grief, like all of us here, than I have experienced. I have peace knowing that he is not suffering anymore and that this was our journey together. That is turned out as it was supposed to. Just going through the different emotions and stages of grief is just so different than anything I have experience before.

Thank you and love to all.
Allison

sarahbeth 07/29/2018

I'm new to this site and your post was the first I read. I felt your pain as I too lost my husband due to alcohol. He died July, 2017. We were only married 6 years. There was lots of love, but the heartache of the disease was taking it's toll on the marriage. Up until the month before he passed we had many happy times together. Not that he wasn't drinking, but I was still able to ignore the elephant in the room. At times he was on the right path with meetings, counseling and healthy living so ignoring the problem became easier. I kept all of this from my family and friends, so I had no support system. At the end when it got so bad that I feared for my safety I had no choice but to tell my immediate family and my best friend as I was packing a suitcase headed out the door. Still I thought there was hope for him, but sadly the next day he tragically died from a fall after heavy drinking. So, I'm at a loss with my grief. I don't fit in with the bereavement groups. I left one group because losing someone to alcohol is not easy to share. Many dismiss alcoholics....as if they brought it on themselves. I think that is why grieving an alcoholic is so confusing. It's not easy to figure out which emotion to feel or not feel. Grief is overwhelming enough and then adding all of the emotions brought on with living with an alcoholic and then their death. All I can say is don't deny your feelings. The process is not an easy one....I'm still figuring it out myself. Hugs to you.....

regwin 07/29/2018

I'm sorry for your loss and for all you have gone through. I admire you for staying in a marriage that had to be very difficult. You kept your family together.
I can understand how you can feel sadness. You loved him in the beginning. You were together many years. You know that now he is free of the awful pain he was in which probably went way back before you even knew him.
Thankfully you have two wonderful boys. I truly wish you happiness in the future. You are a courageous woman. Brighter days are ahead. Love and Hugs, Dolores

victoria2014 07/29/2018

Hi blue,
I am so sorry for your loss... I am sorry that we are all here.
I don’t think it really matters wether or not you had a good marriage or troubled marriage. You have lost a part of your life that was a norm for all of these years. I too had a rocky marriage that lasted 33 years until he passed last year in January. My situation was an apposite of yours, I was the one who was an addict of gambling, and the most trouble we had was a financial hardship because of it.
All though my husband was a man with an incredible patience and endurance, he had his share of flaws just like anybody else on this earth.
I know now, that what it takes to love someone. We may have had our share of ups and downs but at the end of the day, you mourn as much as the ones that have had a best of marriage.
I am compelled to write this because your endurance of not giving up on him. You may believe that it was your kids that hold your marriage together but that’s not all. It is that man you loved, it was a part of your being for many years.
I know without a doubt that he knows how much you’ve loved him.
My husbands death has given me a deepest hole in my heart because whatever was going on our lives, we’ve stuck together until the death took us a part....
Also, in my book, the story was not supposed to end this way... it was me supposed to die first...
The addicts have their own issues that cannot be repaired until they really want to stop as scotti has said. It’s a sickness that takes a life time journey.
Don’t mind the thread about what other people are saying here. Just take the ones that heals you and feel connected.
It definitely helps to know you are not alone and people grieve in different ways.
We are all in pain and no ones pain is any more or less than yours...
Big hugs to you.

suddenlysingle 07/31/2018

I know what you mean about drunks, but they can try to control it if they really want to, and out of respect for their freaking long suffering partners!!!! I stayed with him, love at first sight believe it or not, felt a vibration when saw him, no lie!!! He pursued me just to get me hooked, and then ignored my buddy Scooby Doo and I by spending all day and night with his "Bromance" was infatuated too and I am a giving Libra, who's credit card is maxed out now cause he treated me like a sugar mama for the first year and a half. Had to go through tons of drama and trauma, with my best friend and Cocker spaniel, Scooby Doo!!! and he repeatedly stabbed me in the heart and said he doesn't care when I would show at the bar and cry cause he didn't seem to care, he drove a Harley and just cared his booze, bros, bikes and bucks. Too Long a story. I wantedyearse with him, so, I drank and I was the one who got a black eye and bruises cause he wanted a threesome, Pure Hell and back, then after my sweet Scooby Doo passed away, he started acknowledging and treating me with some respect, he became my Angel although still drank after work, any excuse he could think of!!!! And at least answered his cell phone last few years and kept drinking, and he looked like he was 4 months pregnant with a Coors light baby, and I loved him too much and he was a Capricorn who was driven to work as a heavy machine operator , when he needed to take disability for his Deep vein thrombosis and asbestos from working at the Steel job where they were just worried about the Almighty Dollar!!! Long story, ,!!?, dropped dead massive heart attack like my Mom in this house around 4:30 am, July 20th, 2017!!! Now I have become an addict like him, which I never was before I met Him!! Because of trying to kill the pain in my head and heart from losing my big Daddy I relied way too much on cause I asked for a nerve pill cause he used to soothe my nerves and take me to the doctor and spoke up for me because I feel guilty for living and have to go through depression plus grieving, my family

suddenlysingle 07/31/2018

Now I have to experience withdrawal from Ativan, didn't know it was a controlled substance, and I have people from 40 years ago ambushing me now and my family, a sitting duck, and they never paid toward their third of this house, my dead parents house. Gay guy from 40 years ago, who is sick says he still has feelings for me after 40 years!!!?! Only rode in his 57 Chevy in school, big deal,!! but now he is my tricky friend who wants to infect me and he drinks so I picked up a whatever of Angry Orchard, 20 grams freaking sugar, diabetes runs in our family of course!! One year anniversary brought it all back again BIG freaking time. He could handle this life, functioning freak alcoholic!! So I am now drinking to soothe my nerves to get through withdrawal and withdrawal from him, but I'm freaking learning and growing in this crazy schoolhouse freaking 101, he should be here and I am trying to do myself in and join him in the Reward of all this suffering, HEAVEN its called, can't wait to see him so I can punch him out then kiss him to death AGAIN!!?!!

suddenlysingle 07/31/2018

Sorry, but of course go from being angry with him to missing him like crazy, he was stubborn to get help and selfish. He left his kids and grandkids in pain too cause they loved him so much too!!!!?! I am too soft and sweet for this cold world now and know another as a friend, killing himself with pain pills and vodka, crazy crap!!

newatthis 07/31/2018

I lost my husband of 20 years on June 27, of this year. I didn't know how to feel when my alcoholic husband's of lung cancer. My son also didn't know what to feel. Our life started off so much different than it end. We lived much below our means because of the drinking. I am now 63 years old and don't know whether I can earn the income that I will need to get along. Yes I loved him and my heart is broken at one moment and the next angry and depressed. I think I understand. Be encouraged.

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