Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Sorry in advance about my novel below.
Hello. I lost my husband May 16th 2016. And I feel lost. He was only 39. Lost his battle to Pancreatic Cancer. He was diagnosed the day before our wedding. Well hours before our wedding. But he was determined to make me His wife. So we married in the small chapel in the hospital. Our wedding party joined us. Along w the photographer and videographer, and the Skyped it to where the Ceremony/Reception was supposed to be held. That was April 25th 2016. We fought for a little over a year. We had our first anniversary in the hospital, where he then found out he had about a month to live. That fact hit me like a tin if bricks. But I. Didn't show it. Then I made myself believe that he was stubborn. He was going to fight through this and Win. Doctors are wrong all the time. I was wrong. Thankfully we through your girls a birthday party about a week or too before my husband passed away. I wanted to make sure he got to celebrate one last time. We got to see mostly everyone one last time.
Our 1st and last Anniversary was April 25th. He passed away May 16th. His funeral was May 20th. My youngest daughters 3rd birthday was May 21. My eldest daughters graduation was June 25th from Preschool. Her 5th birthday was June 30th.
I have never felt/been so alone in such a difficult time. Because my Husband was always by my side. He and the girls were the only thing I had in my life. I always felt safe, cared for, loved bc of my Husband! We both had a rough go at life. Him more then I. And for his life to have ended at such a young age, and ended do to Cancer, I was unfair and heartbreaking! He didn't even have a smooth transition. For someone who was as caring, and living, always helping those in need. Thinking about everyone but himself! He was always laughing and happy. He had the smile of a God and he was always the life if the party. For a man like him, he was dealt a pretty S****y hand. And for the Life of me, I can't figure out why it had to be him! No one, No oneee deserves to go through what he went through. But for him to have such a hard life, starting from such a young age, to then have his life end the way it did. I just don't know. Makes me questions "the high power". Which doesn't help the fact that I questioned if before he was diagnosised. It kills me to be unsure of after life. B c if I'm unsure if that, then I'm unsure if my husband is okay, happy, looking after us. Which makes me feel guilty. B c then I feel like Imd giving up in him.
All the guilt and regret I feel us so strong. I feel like its eating away at me. I feel myself slowing going into a state of mind that I don't want to be in. I have trouble getting out of bed. I don't want to do Anything. I don't want to speak with anyone. (B c even when people are around I feel Alone and annoyed) the last past week I couldn't even bring them to daycare. They stayed home w me.
The first month of my husband's passing. I stayed strong and kept everything together. B c as everyone so kindly point out. I needed to stay focused and strong for my girls, b c that's what Elijah would have wanted. Elijah is my husband! I did just that. I showed I was upset. But I kept everything in. Now I feel as though I can't keep it in at longer. I'm breaking! And to make it all worse. My husband was our financial support. I was a stay at home mom and haven't worked for over 6 years. Now I need to find work to pay the bills and put food on the table. And I'm dealing with my grief. And my 3 year old is going backwards with the potty training due to all of the stress. Both my girls cry out at night. They miss their daddy! U don't sleep. I can't! I get maybe 2 or 3 hours a night. My brother and His family moved in with me for a month after my husbands passing, so u was their financial support and babysitter to to adults, an almost 3 year old boy, and an 8 month old baby boy. They recently left due to all the stress I was under. Which I feel guilty for as well. I'm a 25 year old single mother if 2 toddlers. I lost my soulmate, my best friend, my family, my world! I have no job. My family is.... Absent most of the time. I have 2 real friends.
Omg I'm ranting!! So sorry.
I guess, how are you all getting through this. My girls are the only thing keeping me afloat. And there are times I don't even want to see them, because all I can think about is their father in their faces. They are my life. And I love them to death. I'd do anything for them. Which is why I'm trying to cope with this better. But I'm struggling. And I know it. And my 2 friends have pointed out how worried they are about me. And I'm scared I'm going to fall into a hole I won't be able to climb out of.
What do you?
What do you say?
What was your first step to trying to move on with out feeling as though your letting your loved one Go?
His do you let go of all the guilt and regret you have?
How do i start believing that my husband truly is out there watching over us?
Just.. HOW?
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Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...
My heart hurts for you. My children are grown , my husband has been gone for 5 months, we were married 37years, I miss him terribly . It's a awful emotional roller coaster ride.The best advice I know is seek out a grief counselor , you need someone to help guide you and that could also be good for your girls. And you should be able to draw social sucurity for your girls . I wish I could take your pain away :(
Patricia
xxxxxx
I still have triggers that set me off crying and some that make me smile or both. I came across his fly fishing vest the other day and cried and smiled remembering the good time we had fishing.
As for signs I and my married daughters have had many from our skeptic.
I'll share the one most important to me. Dennis and I wee married for 501/2 years on my birthday we were high school sweet hearts. Because he was skeptic we worked out a code we never told anyone about it and hadn't talked about it for years. He would send me on our anniversary/birthday. I told him I wanted not just red roses but yellow too. I told him it would have to come through one of our daughters maybe in a dream. Then I'd know it was really him. On the morning of our anniversary I woke up and was laying in bed and said OK Sweetie now's your chance to show me there's an afterlife. Well I was in the front yard fixing a sprinkler head I had mutilated with my lawn mow. My youngest daughter pulled in the driveway got and said happy birthday Mom. When I looked up she was holding a dozen red, ad a dozen yellow roses in her hand. just started shaking and then crying she what's wrong Mom. I told about the code her Dad and I worked out years before he passed and she started crying.
She said was at Costco and saw the roses and said I need to get those for Mom. But what's funny is she sad she had red and white roses in the basket and was headed for the check out and for some reason looked back and saw the yellow and went back and got those instead. The signs are there Jess we just have to take a breath Pay attention when they are given. I'll share one more. Dennis liked all kinds of music but one of his favorites was Rod Stewart's Forever Young he had programed it our new cars entertainment mode along with 100 others. I'll get in the car and be listening to the radio when it will suddenly switch over to it. This has happened 9 times now. All this and more from our skeptic. So watch for the signs they are there.
I also went to my doctor four months in at my daughter insistence. She gave me something for the anxiety, which was the worst for me. Sometimes we all just need a little help.
Take care Jess and come here often many people wonderful people who care and share and understand the grieving process your going through'
Prayers and many hugs ..Gail
First, I'd like to offer you my deepest sympathies for your loss. I'm so sorry that you have just become a member of the club that no one wants to belong.
My husband passed away at the age of 44 on 2/24/16. His death was sudden and unexpected. He went into the hospital with a minor skin infection and within 24 hours of being admitted, his infection turned into sepsis. His body went into shock and within 3 days he was placed on a ventilator. He went into the hospital on Wednesday afternoon and he passed away the following Wednesday.
I was in such shock. We've been married almost 20 years and we have three children, ages 14, 12, and 4. I was so numb that I was just going on autopilot for the first couple of weeks. It has now been a little over 4 months.
It has been a struggle for all of us. I've began to see a therapist and that has helped me tremendously. I did take the children to speak with a therapist but after a couple visits, they told me they didn't want to go anymore. I told them I wouldn't force them, but I made them promise that if their grief was too much to handle that they'd tell me.
I just try to keep reassuring them that it is alright to be sad, it's alright to speak of him, it's alright to have a good day, it's alright to have a bad and sad day, and that they should never be afraid to speak with me.
I do have to say that this is a roller coaster and I wish it would stop.
I'm sorry for my small novel, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Please message me if you ever need to vent or just need to talk.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Kathy
Grief is individual, and we all will get through it slightly differently. My personal experience was that I just needed to be, doing only the things that had to get done (I still am structuring my world to avoid as much responsibility and stress as I can for the time being). How to move forward? At six months, I'm still working on that one. Be patient. This takes time. One of the things I appreciated was hearing from those that are much further out that continue to have struggles. I am not pre-detemining my grief timeline, nor do I wish for anyone to struggle, but it was a relief to me to not worry about "getting over it" now.
I found that people want to help, but often don't know what to do, so if you can, make a list of ways they can help you with the little ones (bring food, watch them for a few hours so you can go for a walk and cry, scream, etc.) . I'm glad that you have concerned friends. Lean on them. And as others mentioned, really, try to shut out what others may say or think. They have not lived your loss and cannot know what you should or should not be doing or feeling.
Staying connected on this forum (and a couple of others) was hugely beneficial to me. There is much kindness, wisdom and compassion here.
Sending you a hug. Kate.
I lost my wife almost a year ago. She was 32 and I was 30. We had just celebrated our first year being married when I woke up to her going into cardiac arrest. The first few months were a haze and reality (financial, legal, etc) didn't care how I was feeling.
There will be many people coming to you to offer their help, but few that will follow through. Use those closest to you for support. I've had my parents, in-laws, and a handful of friends to lean on at times. This site has also helped me keep things in perspective. This community understands...something that is rare to find in my day to day. No one understands what we are going through better than those that have lost like we have.
Please know that you are alone out here. We grieve with you and are on this roller coaster together.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
My heart feels for you. I'm so sorry. This is so much you are dealing with, right now. We are here to listen.
Thank you for sharing, we are all in different stages of grief but we are here for you.
Breathe, take it all, moment by moment. , just know that you are not alone.
There are so many resources for you and your children. Right now, take care of you, the rest will fall together. Remember, we are here, for you.
Love to you..........Sandra
Thank you all!
And I'm am truly sorry for all of your losses as well!