It coming up to 8 months since I lost my partner, we were not married but he was the man I planned to marry and spend my life with.
This weekend has been a really busy one for me, I organised a charity moonlight walk for his charity on friday night, today I went out for lunch with one of my closest friends and a friend from school I haven't seen in ages and then tonight I went out for a meal and a few drinks with two of my best friends.
When we went out for lunch my friend from school has been in a relationship with a guy for a few years but he was talking about how unhappy they'd been and how they are still living together but are not 'together' and he was saying how much of a dick he was etc and how he can't wait to move back home to get away from him at last. then my other friend was bitching about her ex saying how awful he was and how she can't trust boys but then telling us about some of the awful dates she has been on. I was just sat there thinking what can I talk about, I can't start joining in the bitching because in all honesty Matt never did anything to really upset me the whole time we were together, we had our silly little arguments about stupid things but there was never ever a time I thought I didn't want to be with him. I really don't have a bad word to say about him because to me he really was the perfect match for me. I also couldn't join in the conversation about bad dates as the last time I was dating was when I first met Matt and at the moment I still can't even imagine dating. When I went out for dinner the conversations were pretty much the same again. One of my friends asked how I was doing and if I felt any better and I just said not really as now it feels different, it feels real and I said how I was so jealous of seeing other couples to which she piped up well thats sort if the same as me, I mean I was like that when I broke up with my ex (bare in mind this ex and her had a relationship spanning about 2 months and never officially became an item) I genuinely wanted to scream at her at that point, its not the bloody same at all.
I just feel like I can't join in any of the conversations with my friends. I miss being the one in the happy relationship and being able to share my stories of what I'd been up to with Matt. I hate sitting there thinking I wish he was still here so i could tell you about the silly little things he'd do to annoy me. I just feel totally disconnected from everyone and I don't know who I am or where I belong anymore. Its putting me off seeing my friends coz everytime I see them I just feel further away from them and I know its not their fault, they're just sharing their lives. Is it normal to feel like this or am I just totally mad?