Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Mamza 09/02/2017

So yesterday was my husband's birthday. 1st one since he passed so I though it would be nice to invite my friends who rushed to be by my side when the shocking news broke. I invited my girls for lunch, to thank them for being there for me. It was really nice and for a while I forgot my pain. Then all the husbands started calling asking if their wives are done and so one by one, they started to leave. Look I was in no hurry to go home, after all there is no husband to rush to. So I was actually enjoying their company.

But yet again, the painful reminder that I am no longer a typical wife but a widow crept in. Everyone had to go home to their husbands, and I had to come home to deafening silence. I wish I could have stayed with my girls longer so I am not alone, but their husbands needed them more. Oh how I wish I still had him :(

Kateydid123 09/02/2017

I really feel for you, I think I have the opposite problem. It's like yesterday afternoon one of my good friends at work and his wife called me and wanted to take me out to the broiler room for dinner, as usual I made up an excuse which they are getting used to. Earlier that same day, my mother and father-in-law called me and wanted to take me out to one of our favorite pizza places. I have not been there yet seance Tracey died. Here again, I made another excuse. Another Friday night sitting on my couch with nothing to do. My point in case is, I feel even more alone when I'm with other people who have other people. I know your friends had absolutely no clue on how that night affected you. After all, how could they? We are in our own world. Thinking of you, Dave

Missmyanne 09/02/2017

Mamza, That's just the world going round and round. Their lives haven't changed only yours. Be thankful for the few hours you had with them. We ARE outcasts. Fifth wheels. We have to learn to live as such and we can. Here's what I did on this Saturday. It's the first big college football weekend. So got to my local pub at noon for the Penn St. game. Sat by myself for about a hour. A few guys I knew came in about 1. We sat and watch football till 6. For 4 or 5 hours I forgot I was a widower. Now I'm home to the deafening silence. But I did forget my troubles for a few hours. That does help. I'm not suggesting you go sit in a pub by yourself but do try and find a group that participates in a activity your interested in. It's not a do all end all. But it helps. Jmo.

Suz1491 09/03/2017

I turn down so many invitations, it's not the same, one I don't want their pity and two, I want my love there and hold my hand under the table, pull out my chair, open my car door and go home together and snuggle. I know they all mean well, but no one gets it. I understand how you feel completely.

parrothead1 09/03/2017

I have also turned people down when they invite me out. I don't really know if they invite me cause they feel sorry for me. I stopped taking phone calls to I just don't call people back. My church family calls and I hate the questions . How are you. Are you going to stay in your house and the question I love the most is how are you paying your bills . Are you able to afford living in your house. And my sister telling me I need to be an adult and accept that he is gone move on and stop feeling sad and crying all the time. I don't talk to her anymore. I also had someone ask me why I still wear my wedding ring. . He has only been gone 8monrhs. I feel judged I all the time. But does not matter most of the people I thought were my friends never talk to me anyway . Not since the funeral. So I know how you feel.

Kateydid123 09/03/2017

Parrothead1,
Your words are very upsetting. I cannot believe some of the comments and suggestions that your so-called friends and family members said to you. God, you are going through so much internal pain right now, this is the last thing you need. " stop feeling sad and crying all the time " you've got to be shitting me, pardon my French. Just this morning (Sunday) I decided to torture myself when I woke up and went through some pictures of Tracy and I. I guess I did not act like an "adult" felt sorry for myself and just laid in bed crying, yes me a grown man. I would not wish this on anyone, but in a sick way, I wish your sister could feel the real pain. No I don't, I take that back. Just makes me mad. Another friend that cares for you, Dave

Gunnerx2 09/03/2017

I find I feel the same way. I want to be around people and keep busy, keep moving. It is when I am home or slow down that I notice the most that I am alone. When Dennis and I moved to Tampa it was totally new to both of us. So everything in this city we explored and discovered together. Now, without him at my side, when I go anywhere alone, it seems to magnify the fact that he is missing. I hate it. I hate that he defined me in that way. I'm not sure who I am now that he is missing. He completed me and now that he is not here, who am I?

vwidow 09/03/2017

X2 you are the same person your love loved, just left behind.
Try to delve around and make some new friends. Or do you have any family in the area at all? Or talk with somebody you know everyday, even if they live away from you. Them being present in spirit makes up for being absent in body.

Gunnerx2 09/03/2017

Thank you vwidow. I think that is part of the problem. I don't have any family here. We relocated her 3 years ago so it is all so new. I thought about going back North but that is not what we would do and if I stay I can take early retirement next year at full pension if I want to. I also signed up for Soaring Spirits and they have monthly get togethers so I am thinking of going to one of those to see if I can meet new people who understand. Lord it's so darn tough.

Wendio 09/04/2017

The deafening silence is the worst . I live it daily, been six months since he died, friends and family still have their own lives and routines, they don't understand that just talking to them for five minutes is a huge favor for me. I look for the distractions, sometimes it's just to easy to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.

Ionella 09/04/2017

I always made all the plans for me and my husband, reuniting all of our fiends for get-togethers, dinners, movie nights, etc.
It would seem I should be able to do that now also with all of our friends, but it feels like I am tagging along, being the fifth wheel, so I completely understand how you feel regarding the fact that all of your friends have a husband to go home to.
But, although it is hard, especially surrounded by only married people, try to stay as busy as you can, meet friends, go out, try new things (perhaps sports), and maybe at one point you will get used to it and won't feel like an outcast anylonger.. at least this is what I hope for, I am newer to this than you are and I am struggling daily to find the strength to go on.

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