Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Frankster 12/13/2016

My Husband passed away from cancer 4 months ago, I'm 36 and have two boys, 14 and 11.

I feel so alone, people would come round and call to check up on my untill after the funeral by which time people think I'm ok by then.

I'm really not!

I live about 45 minutes away from my family and have only one true friend here where I live, I am moving to be closer to my family but it seems to be taking forever. My husbands family have been no help what so ever, I understand that they are grieving too but they stay away and seem to want nothing to do with my children, I dont want them to help me, I want them to help their grandchildren/nephews.

I am struggling with day to day things, hence the feeling like a bad mum, I have been trying to make myself feel better with christmas fast approaching but don't seem to have the enthusiasm. I keep telling myself that I need to sort it out for the sake of my children and the fact that I'm struggling to do that makes me feel uterally useless, which makes me feel even worse. The children keep telling me that I'm the best Mum in the world, I love them more than anything.

My eldest is not interested in christmas at all, which I completely understand, but I wonder if I'm to blame for him not being interested, am I doing enough for them, is seeing me slumped in a chair twiddling my wedding rings round my finger, which is something I have tried to solve by taking them off, I never noticed them before, got so used to them being there, married for 13 years, but as soon as he passed they felt heavy and I noticed and played with them all the time.

I miss him so much every day, even though we knew it was going to happen we never quite beleived it would, if that makes any sence.

Sorry for going on so much, i've had so much going through my head and no outlet untill now.

Frankie

laurie1209 12/13/2016

your not alone in not knowing what to do ive been looking but i still have not found the widows handbook so i know whats next on this journey. I am not doing my traditional christmas, my heart is not in it and it takes may too much energy to fake that much enthusiasm. (I have also been told holiday vomit is not appropriate to describe the abundance of decorations all around) I would have your boys dictate how mush holiday they want to do and can do. Mentally i find it draining to be happy about the holidays when i find little to be happy about. May be a small tree or a corner of cheer- something to represent the day but focus on you and the boys. Share stories and hugs those are more healing than any wreath or candy cane can be.
Hugs!!!

Comfortablynumb 12/13/2016

My son dugggested to have my house decorated with lights and the tree. He explained that in this drab and dark time of the year, why to deprive yourself to just simply to have more lights. Christmas tree , in his interpretation, if nothing else, but it is " a beautiful light fixture you'll enjoy seeing every time you walk in your room"
perhaps very simplified , but it works . I have a beautiful tree

Peaches84660 12/13/2016

I feel all of your pain my late husbands family does not want anything to do with me and now do not even contact my girls who are 11 & 10. They are just making it hard on the kids. My husband passed away 11-16-2014, and we had been married for 13 years. I wish I could tell u it gets better after 2 years with family and friends but most of them just fall out!! I have been reading this great book and wanted to share!! It's by Catherine Tidd and it's confessions of a mediocre widow!! It is great and if u need to talk I can be a helpful ear!! Smile pretty lady!! Kris

5years 12/15/2016

Frankie-
Your situation is a tough one and I empathize with you. When you don't have support from family and have limited support where you live, it imakes an already painful situation that much more difficult.
I am a mother to two wonderful children, now age 13 & 15. I also lacked support from family and my heart goes out to you and your children.
The support and communication from family, (if it is healthy, ) could really be of value when you feel so isolated and in need of it.

Please know that you are a very strong person and your children respect and appreciate you . We are the most critical of ourselves, as I know I have been.

My kids and I are close and have developed a closer bond having gone through this together. It doesn't erase the pain, but as I reflect, I've come to appreciate what I do have.
The holidays are so hard! Try not to place unneccessa

5years 12/15/2016

ry expectations on yourself. Keeping things simple is fine. I am hear for you- feel free to reach out.

Frankster 12/15/2016

Thank you all so much for your comforting words. I have already ordered the book recommended by kris, it's coming tomorrow. I actually went out and helped my mum in the cafe she owns, which is where I will be working when I move, and I had a great day.
I hope I can carry it on tomorrow when I do some Christmas shopping.
Thank you again to all of you.
I don't feel quite so alone now
Xxxxxxx

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