Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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ellio329 05/29/2016

A year ago today my husband had life-saving surgery - once he made it through, we thought we had been given a miraculous gift of the rest of our lives together. But that was not to be. So today I am especially sad, thinking back to the joy I experienced that day when the doctor came out to tell me the surgery had been successful, and thinking how unfair it is that he made it through so much just to be taken from me 8 months later.

So here I sit, wishing I had someone to talk to today, a shoulder to cry on. I know I have many people who care about me, but since my husband was my best friend, I don't really have anyone else close to rely on. I have family, but just this weekend a close family member told me "I'm not good at that touchy-feely-stuff" when I tried to talk through what I'm feeling. And friends have just stopped asking how I'm doing; I guess people think 3 months is enough time to grieve and get over it. So I guess I will keep it all to myself from now on.

Generally I have tried to give people the benefit of the doubt when they've said things that are less than helpful, because I understand that it's difficult to say anything at all. But I find now that I am angry - with all the people who promised to stay by my side who haven't, with the people who have stopped checking in on me once in a while, with everyone who tells me how much better I am doing. I just wish someone in my life would acknowledge that they know I am still struggling.

Sorry for the rambling rant - but thank goodness for this community, where I know everyone understands.

chargene 05/29/2016

Hello ellio329 and I'm so sorry for your loss even though I know those words start to sound hollow. I lost my partner of 9 yrs, 2 and 1/2 yrs ago and I'm still struggling and I don't think people get it. He was my best and only friend. But it is amazing how people say they are going to be there for you and then they are not. I'm not sure why. Maybe it scares them. To see that one day this could be them. But then you would think they would want to show kindness so one day unfortunately they may have to receive it for the same thing. I am new to the group and your post is the first one I seen and it described exactly how I was feeing except for the part that there are lots of people that love me. I really don't have any friends or family left so if you do maybe just find one and tell them you need no you're not doing good and you want to talk. I really don't know bc I'm screwed up but your post touched me. Take as much time as you need to grieve.

eighty8 05/29/2016

Ellio, maybe this is not my place to say anything, but I'm going to say it anyway.
That close family member who told you they are "not good at that touchy-feely stuff", I'm sorry, but I am seething with anger at that.
Now if a day ever comes that they love someone more than life itself, so much that they have become the other half of each other...and the person who told you that lost their mate, and finds themselves right here with the rest of us...
...I wonder if they will suddenly get-good at "all that touchy-feely stuff?"
And I wonder if then, they will expect you to understand?

ellio329 05/29/2016

Yes, eighty8, I am angry, too. This person was very supportive throughout my husband's illness, his death, and the following weeks. She supported by doing - helping to arrange the funeral, assisting with paperwork, etc. and I truly appreciate that. But her comment was very hurtful, especially since I was trying to reach out for comfort. I don't believe she meant it that way, but it was clear that she was not interested in just letting me talk. Uncomfortable or not, I had hoped she would understand that that's what I needed. Now I know.

ellio329 05/29/2016

Hello chargene - welcome to the group. While you may not feel like you have anyone, you do now. Everyone here knows exactly how you feel, no matter what you're feeling. So please share in this community whenever you need some support. {{hugs}}

Nicker07 05/29/2016

I would like to say first don't apologize for your ranting. This is the place to do so, and you are entitle to it.

Many times it has been said here those who have not been here do not get it. The isolation that begins after all go on with their lives. I do believe they do not want to face their immortality and those of their spouses. And they truly do not know what to say....It is hard for others to understand the being alone bit too.

And I for one am thankful there is a place like this. So please come often to let your feelings out. We care, A big huge from the PNW

Sara59 05/29/2016

So sorry ellio329, it's such a hard and lonely road. I can tell another widow now from someone who never married or still has her spouse We all carry a certain look in the eyes and around the brow-line. I don't think there ever was such a thing as a merry widow.

People who never married can't relate, and people with spouses, some of them complain about their husbands and even say, "I wish my husband would drop dead already". Hah, they have no idea what they're saying. I am at 3 years, and at the start of the third year, I thought I hadn't made any progress or had much hope, but it's slowly dawning that there is life for me out there. Nothing radical, but it's there, don't give up. I thought I'd never see that either because I was basically a loner with my husband. Nah they don't get it until it happens to them.

raininseattle 05/30/2016

Ellio, I'm so sorry for your loss, and the frustration others brought on to you. Not my place to say, but as unfair as life is, I'm willing to think that your husband would be glad to have the extra eight months with you. Please don't forget that we all care for you and wishes for every moment of peace that comes to your heart.

I want to show you two articles that are kept in my journal.
Article 1:
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/5057601/journal/14495103
Article 2: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/5057601/journal/14290539

tim57 05/30/2016

Hi Ellio,
At first I tried to be sympathetic towards others who were around me, which wasn't many and still isn't, but after almost ten months I'm done with it. I don't have time for folks like this any longer. I am still waiting for my so called friend at work to call me when they have time to go out for breakfast one morning. Their suggestion almost seven months ago. Another one I called a few weeks after my wife went home to the Lord who was going to check back on me. Not yet. A neighbor, who on the morning I came home and found my wife in bed gone, told me on the phone they were in the middle of packing and would come by to see me the next week when they got back. They have been back now for almost ten months. Several others who dropped by for a few seconds, not minutes, who told me on the way out, hey call us if you need anything. What in the world could I have possibly needed that day??? Just can't imagine. Am I bitter? I may sound like it but I don't have time for it.
It is written in the Bible that what we are going thru is common to all others who are or will go thru it and that He will never leave us or forsake us if we call upon Him. So as of now He is the only one who seems to be home when I call. With the exception of my uncle who lost his wife four years ago and understands all this.
As for the rest, don't have time. And I'm just not that sympathetic anymore. Just trying to heal and help anyone else going thru it.
Please rant all you want. We all do often, that's what we're here for.
Please take care.
Peace, Tim

katie2016 05/30/2016

Ellie, I am sorry that was your experience. I can relate to being better with the "business" things than I am the "touchy feeling things", but that was a very hurtful comment. We all have the ability to listen and say nothing if we don't know what to say.

I just experienced a pretty big hurt from one of my family members who was beyond wonderful in the early days but whose support is fading. This is such an issue for pretty much everyone grieving. I wish there was an easy fix for it.

hope your tomorrow is a bit brighter.
Kate

cgriff4ever 05/30/2016

Yes my dear, I too am in the same boat, and since all my family is passed, my mom, grandparents etc.. only have my dad and he lives very far away, all my supposed friends, say, call me if you need anything etc.. why wouldnt they just say, hi, just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Thats all they would have or what I would want from them, to know because my soulmate/bestfriend is gone, that I am atleast thought of. Its just human nature though, unfortunately to act as if we all have the plague, or as if nothing had happened. The good thing, is now that we are here in this moment, we can relate to those before us, who we couldnt relate to back then, so now we are knowledgeable, and we can be more compassionate etc.. Im not to worried anymore if no one contacts me, Ive been slowly getting out there and making new friends...it is difficult, but not out of our reach, we just have to reach... for the sky so to speak.. sorry Im just rambling.. Im so sorry your feeling this way, I have plenty of those days as well.. much love and big hugs carla

carrie415 05/30/2016

With you Carla,,,going on fourteen months now and finding I have to make my own wayOur friends I see once in a while, so now I made MY friends. It is just sad because they did not know us,,,but then again it is good because I don't have to be reminded what it was like with our friends that just makes me sadLife beats on with still a hollow feeling that creeps in at unexpected timesIt does not go away but we definitely learn to live with it and cherish the moments we take to think and honor them..

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