Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Took my dad to the doctor and he was diagnosed as Schizophrenic. He also had dementia, but he's always had mental issues. They were just not diagnosed. Anyhow, the doctor gave me a referral to a psychiatrist for him. thinking he could be put on medication. He ordered more lab test which we did before leaving. Later in the evening, the doctor called and told me to get him to the ER right away. His blood count had dropped dangerously low.
I took my father to ER and they immediately started doing test to find out why he was bleeding. The CT scan and other test revealed large tumors on his colon. The doctor diagnosed him with cancer before even waiting for the lab results to come back. I know doctors can look at a tumor and tell, so I believed her right away. The results have since come back revealing that she was right.
Now, my dad is set for a operations Monday. The doctor said that there is no indication that it has spread, but the operation might reveal that it has spread to the liver. Won't know until he has the operation.
I'm so mixed up. I know what I would want for me if I was given the diagnoses of dementia. He'll have to have the operation at anyway because it is causing all sorts of stomach problems due to the blockage.
But if my father would have listened to me, instead saying that I have a woman's brain and to stay out of men's business, it may have been different. Less suffering.
Going forward I now have to figure out what to do. I thought I could leave my job and move in with him. Then the other night I suffered stroke symptoms and ended up in the house scared that it would progress. I checked my blood pressure. Two weeks ago it was normal. Now it's 159/95. Not good.
I can I help my dad and not end up dead myself. A friend warned me that moving in could end with a double funeral. Harsh words, but I know it came from a place of concern and she is right.
So, here I am. Nothing I can do will give me the outcome I want.
I will be happy for any advice you can give me. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I need to face reality.
I took my father to ER and they immediately started doing test to find out why he was bleeding. The CT scan and other test revealed large tumors on his colon. The doctor diagnosed him with cancer before even waiting for the lab results to come back. I know doctors can look at a tumor and tell, so I believed her right away. The results have since come back revealing that she was right.
Now, my dad is set for a operations Monday. The doctor said that there is no indication that it has spread, but the operation might reveal that it has spread to the liver. Won't know until he has the operation.
I'm so mixed up. I know what I would want for me if I was given the diagnoses of dementia. He'll have to have the operation at anyway because it is causing all sorts of stomach problems due to the blockage.
But if my father would have listened to me, instead saying that I have a woman's brain and to stay out of men's business, it may have been different. Less suffering.
Going forward I now have to figure out what to do. I thought I could leave my job and move in with him. Then the other night I suffered stroke symptoms and ended up in the house scared that it would progress. I checked my blood pressure. Two weeks ago it was normal. Now it's 159/95. Not good.
I can I help my dad and not end up dead myself. A friend warned me that moving in could end with a double funeral. Harsh words, but I know it came from a place of concern and she is right.
So, here I am. Nothing I can do will give me the outcome I want.
I will be happy for any advice you can give me. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I need to face reality.
Karla
It will do no good if attempting to care for him causes you to have a stroke. Then what?? If you survive the stroke, you could be crippled for a long time and with no one, not even your Dad, to look after you. So it makes much more sense to let the specially trained medical folks look after him, and for you to look after yourself.
You can still be involved in supportive ways, loving ways. You do not have to shoulder the full burden.
A very wise friend, the daughter of a minister, told me something which I have never forgotten, which she had learned from her father:
Sometimes the answer to your prayers is "No." It is hard for us to accept that we can't always get what we want, no matter how much we want it or pray for it.
I know it's hard. I lost my father to cancer. Sometimes it is not ours to fight, and sometimes it is not ours to win either. You cannot control every outcome. Please don't beat yourself up over this. That would not help anyone.
I am sorry you are facing this challenge, too. Please do try to relax whenever you can, and if you need to, please contact your doctor - you may need medication to help keep your blood pressure in check as you go through this.
Love and Big Hugs,
Martha
Hugs,
Val
Be his daughter not his care giver, let him be as he wants for his time here, how ever long that may be. The dementia is also a factor in that last statement. My Father in law shared some of the most wonderful and personal stories as his disease o the mind progressed. I am now the story keeper of his life.
Prayers of my sort for your strength and health in this.
Jewell
Sometimes, I think how different this would all be if my husband was still with me. As it is, my dad feels that his dignity would be hurt if I were to care for him in certain areas. Today, he said he didn't want me to help him off the toilet. My mom felt the some way and I respect that.
In my dad is my past, present, future. I see him in the past-both good and bad. I see my present as losing the only person that is close to me. I have no children, sisters or brothers. I am the last. So my future is cloudy. I am here to support him, but I will not have that in my future.
As for the dogs. They had several fights, mostly over me. It was who gets to sit next to me. Who gets to go into the basement. Who gets to play with all of the toys. Who goes out first and why can't I go out again. There was snarling and gnashing of teeth. I broke up a few fights, all started by my dog. Finally, I got tired of it and let them solve it on their own. I was in the basement when I heard them starting to growl. A few minutes later I came up to find my dog in her cage and my dad's dog sitting on the sofa. Both were unharmed. They've been getting along ever since.
They are connecting me to a social worker so he will get some help.
As for the dogs--Another fight today. Why can't they just be like parakeets? I used to have a ton of them and they got alone fine. For now I'll just put them in their crate when they get started.
My father is now in a convalescent hospital, and my new partner and I moved to a larger place, so we could move mom in with us. It's DIFFICULT to say the least. I take care of her 24-7 and it's tough, no doubt about it. I'm glad however that I have done this for now. I take it a year at a time. I can always pull the trigger and move mom into convalescent home whenever I need to, but for now, it makes me feel good about myself, and I'm getting to know mom a little. She is very forgetful, I have to repeat things many times and so on, but still for now, I'm glad. Dad I couldn't handle at home, he had to go to convalescent hospital, period. Hope this helps. Take care