Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
What can you do when your family is falling apart?
First, I must say that I am grateful that our children are grown. My husband and I had that together. My heart goes out to all of you younger ladies who are still raising your children. Growing up, our boys never gave us any significant problems, not one. They were principled, respectful, kind - grew up to become the same kind of gentelmen their Dad had been. They are both out on their own, live a distance away, doing well - one married and one single. I had thought we would be kind and supportive of each other, that we would rely on one another...but we are in shambles. The answer to anything that is asked of our married son is "No" whether the request comes from me or his brother. This was already in play to a lesser degree prior to my husband's illness and passing. Though she has many good qualities, our daughter-in-law is also, I believe, deeply insecure; hence, she is the gatekeeper of our son's life. All must pass through her to get to him. Recently a small dedication followed by a golf tournament was held in my husband's honor at the golf course that was his second home. The plan had been that both our sons were coming home for the weekend, we would spend time together (we seldom have this chance) and they would play in the tournament on Sunday. Our single son arrived on Friday evening. Our married son was to arrive on Saturday. What happened instead was he called on Saturday morning, said he would come on Sunday, would go directly to the golf course and return to his home directly after that. The reason for this was that he and his wife were upset about a comment made by a friend of mine on Face Book. The comment was absolutely about them, no names given, but no mistaking either that the comment involved them. The comment spoke in general about the stacking up of the "no's" I mentioned earlier. The fact that I didn't write the comment, didn't invite the comment carried no weight. The fact that I was obviously talking to my friends about them was "unacceptable" to quote my son's words to me. Although both my single son and I have understood for a while now the dynamics of the married son's marriage, we were both deeply hurt that this day meant to honor their father, and my husband, ended up not being about him at all. Our married son and his wife made it about themselves instead. I believe that all families have squabbles. I also believe that there are times in life when you must rise above them to live with respect. I never would have believed we would all come to this. My single son summed it up in heartbreaking words: "All my life I believed our family was strong...cancer was only supposed to take Dad, not my whole family." I am at a greater loss now that I had been. Any of you out there experiencing something similar?
First, I must say that I am grateful that our children are grown. My husband and I had that together. My heart goes out to all of you younger ladies who are still raising your children. Growing up, our boys never gave us any significant problems, not one. They were principled, respectful, kind - grew up to become the same kind of gentelmen their Dad had been. They are both out on their own, live a distance away, doing well - one married and one single. I had thought we would be kind and supportive of each other, that we would rely on one another...but we are in shambles. The answer to anything that is asked of our married son is "No" whether the request comes from me or his brother. This was already in play to a lesser degree prior to my husband's illness and passing. Though she has many good qualities, our daughter-in-law is also, I believe, deeply insecure; hence, she is the gatekeeper of our son's life. All must pass through her to get to him. Recently a small dedication followed by a golf tournament was held in my husband's honor at the golf course that was his second home. The plan had been that both our sons were coming home for the weekend, we would spend time together (we seldom have this chance) and they would play in the tournament on Sunday. Our single son arrived on Friday evening. Our married son was to arrive on Saturday. What happened instead was he called on Saturday morning, said he would come on Sunday, would go directly to the golf course and return to his home directly after that. The reason for this was that he and his wife were upset about a comment made by a friend of mine on Face Book. The comment was absolutely about them, no names given, but no mistaking either that the comment involved them. The comment spoke in general about the stacking up of the "no's" I mentioned earlier. The fact that I didn't write the comment, didn't invite the comment carried no weight. The fact that I was obviously talking to my friends about them was "unacceptable" to quote my son's words to me. Although both my single son and I have understood for a while now the dynamics of the married son's marriage, we were both deeply hurt that this day meant to honor their father, and my husband, ended up not being about him at all. Our married son and his wife made it about themselves instead. I believe that all families have squabbles. I also believe that there are times in life when you must rise above them to live with respect. I never would have believed we would all come to this. My single son summed it up in heartbreaking words: "All my life I believed our family was strong...cancer was only supposed to take Dad, not my whole family." I am at a greater loss now that I had been. Any of you out there experiencing something similar?
My husband was the heart of our family, always first to give giant bear hugs and never missed an opportunity to say he loved us. When we lost him we lost our hearts. The I love you's are gone, the hugs have dried up. The three of us still live together but each lead separate lives. There is so much more that we lose when we lose a loved one.
And in a family each one mourns their own special loss in that person's passing and is sad and alone in their own special way. So hard. Wishing closeness, peace and comfort to you and your family.
Doye
The main problem is that you are losing your relationship with your son because you gossiped about him and his wife behind his back, and that friend has publicly shamed him and his wife. Whether he deserved the comments is irrelevant. It doesn't solve the problem.
In my opinion, you need to go back to the original problem and communicate directly with your son and his wife. It is not us here that you need to explain to, it is your son and his wife. I believe you need to be very clear - say "I love you and I don't want us to be this way, and I am sorry I complained to someone else when I should have talked to you first."
This is one of those situations where you can either be right or you can be happy. I come from a big family, and I am part of a blended family now. There are squabbles and misunderstandings from time-to-time. I know how painful it can be. I have been a bereaved daughter as well as widow, as well as mother to two bereaved sons. My sons and I were talking about Cliff's death today, as their step-sister just lost her Mum to cancer, so they understand how hard it is. My younger son said it best, "It is wound that never heals." Pretty eloquent for an autistic guy. Pick your battles carefully on this one. Make peace with him and with his wife. She is your daughter now, and she may be suffering more than you can imagine. Choose to be happy rather than right this time.
That's my two cents, and I hope it helps.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Tell him you're sorry it was the mistake of a grieving widow who shared too much with a supposed friend. PLEASE FORGIVE ME, WON'T YOU?
He loves you and needs to hear from you that you are sorry for the error in judgment and he needs to hear that you will always love and forgive him his frailties too!
Roz
In this incident I think the fact that he showed up on the Sunday was gracious of him .
rebuild your way of interacting together...peace to you and your family...
Everyone has feelings and bad times especially when they have lost their loved ones. Things that cause feelings are sharper during that time, and you do need to get them away from your chest.
You do need to be able to say something to someone about someone that already knows how you feel. I always make sure I say you can repeat what I say because its truly how I feel and those know it. SO from now on just tell someone I am not sure if my feelings are right or wrong but I am feeling this so I just need to bounce it off you and it goes no further. Make sure its someone you truly trust to listen without judgement on both sides.
Good luck
This was the 4 th activity that I said no to. My sister in law asked me why I have said no lately. I told her that when I walk through the door I see all the separate families laughing and sitting together. I do not have that any more. My husband is gone my youngest son has lost his why and my oldest son lives in Victoria BC (across the country for me) It is to hard emotionally. I tried to attend events last year and after leaving each I them I felt I was having break downs. I was told this was normal. I did not feel slighted or angry when she asked. She hugged me and said that the family hopes that some day I will be come to events. Families need to have open and honest communication. You are the mom call him and tell you are sorry and that you want to talk about about what is happening. You may want to include his wife. She probably has a different perspective then you do.