Sweetie, please do not carry blame for this on your shoulders.
I could try to argue a blue streak around you, but letting go of self-blame will have to happen way deep inside your heart.
We do not hold the power of life and death, ourselves.
I have wrestled this beast before, myself... it will slay you before "it" will let you forgive yourself. You will have to take a stand against it and
Let It Go to the Hands of the Giver of Life.
You are not Him.
I can see that your love is true. but you are only a man.

May you be Blessed with everything God has got, my friend.
Barbara.

Oh Joe, please don't blame yourself. I've been there and done that. Rob died of poly cystic kidneys and diabetes. For years he wasn't monitoring his diabetes or taking his meds properly. He had an angiogram done which showed major blockages in all his arteries, but he never signed on fir the surgery he was recommended.
For a long time after he died I berated myself for not nagging enough, for not going with him to all his appointments..
But ultimately I had to realize that it was HIS choice, his behaviour. I tried my best to be supportive. Just as you did.

Joe,
I don't think that there is anything I can say that is going to make you feel any better. I know this because I play the "if only" recording in my mind too. I imagine many of us that are grieving do the same. When I am in that mind frame, it seems as if nothing anyone says or anything I tell myself can assuage my feelings of guilt. But let me tell you something that happened has really seemed to give me a little relief from the guilt....
I have a friend that has been suffering from cancer for years. He'll seem to have it beat, and then they will find another spot. He is putting up a heck of a fight- and maybe he'll be blessed to be able to enjoy a healthy life again. But the first time I visited him after I lost my husband, it occurred to me that my husband would have so hated to go through what my friend is going through.
My husband was a very strong, independent fellow. He was out-going, with a large social circle that included people from all walks of life. He was also very kind and patient, especially with me. He loved our 2 1/2 year old granddaughter and soaked up every minute he could spend with her before he got sick.
A couple of weeks into the chemotherapy, and all that changed. He was not only unhealthy- but he was so gravely ill that his personality changed. I don't blame him for those changes- because I saw his struggle- but he blamed himself. He'd blow up at me, or refuse to spend time with our granddaughter, or throw a temper tantrum and then apologize, as if anyone blamed him. We didn't. But he really did not like who he was when he was sick.
To get to the point- my husband couldn't have withstood another round of chemo. He did it the first time, I believe, because he didn't know that his body was going to respond so violently against it. At the same time- he would have hated the thought of giving up on life, leaving his family behind.
Seeing my friend's struggle (and he handles the chemo much better than my husband) I know that things could have been so much worse. Considering it all- we were blessed in so many ways. He could have been told that more chemo was needed- and he could have had to make that horrible choice to do it all over again, or to say goodbye to the people he loved because he just couldn't become that sick again. He would have hated that choice.
Knowing him the way I did, I can say confidently that if he had to go- it happened just the way he would have wanted it to happen. He was at home, I was with him, and the time of intense pain was very short. He didn't have to make any heart-wrenching decisions about another round of chemo vs. giving up on life with his family.
I like to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. God's will be done because he sees the big picture and I cannot.
That works for me sometimes when I find myself blaming myself. And sometimes it doesn't and, when it doesn't, I just try to remember that Bernie knew I loved him enough that I would happily give years of my life to extend his. He wouldn't blame me.
Tomorrow is a new day- May you find peace there.
Faith

I have to agree with the prior replies Joe. Do not take the blame for this one. We are each responsible for our own destinies. I allowed Juanita to make all her decisions when it came to her health care decisions. According to one of her journal entries, turns out she knew to start praying for her pancreas 3 months before she decided to go to the doctor. We can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to - as a loving spouse, I viewed my role to support whatever decision(s) she made. After all, it was her body, not mine. That was just our way. ~~ Scottie

Joe,I classify failure as never trying, just as you men are a bit stubborn, so are us women. Remember everything happens for a reason, we may not like, understand or know why, but it happens regardless if we are an active participant in this thing called, :"Life. You did all that you possibly do for her, the rest is/was up to how it was going to be. "what will be, will be". Big and gentle hugs for you this day. much love and big hugs carla