Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hi all,
I have been a widow for almost 5 weeks. Sometimes it seems like he is just on a trip, but then when I think about the reality of this trip will never end, my breath catches in my chest. I have gone back to work for about 3 weeks and I do really well during the work days. The mornings are not difficult for me because he was up at 5:00 and gone by 6:00. However, the drive home, (he would be waiting by the door with a glass of wine for me), the evenings, (he would sit in the kitchen with me while I cooked dinner and then we would eat and both do the dishes, he thought he washed better than me (and he did) so I would dry, then off to the tv room for our shows, then up to bed where he would already have the bed turned down like a fine hotel), weekends (he would go downstairs and get us coffee to drink in bed, then the 2nd cup on the patio, doing errands, tending the yard, lounging in the pool we were always together) are very hard. Those first couple of weeks I tried to go to whatever I was asked to but mostly that made me feel more alone. It is awkward being the third wheel and watching people not know how to talk to you. So they either ignore you (more awkward) or they don't mention it at all. So this week I have turned 2 opportunities to go and do something. This is easier but doesn't seem better or healthy. So there in lies question 1, which is better?
My other question is who are we fooling with our pleasant facade? Are we making everyone else feel better or are we trying to fool ourselves? And why do we need to make ourselves seem good when we are quietly falling apart inside? Rarely does a day go by that I don't cry sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. And I'm okay with that for now...
"I only miss you when I'm breathing"
Cyndi
I have been a widow for almost 5 weeks. Sometimes it seems like he is just on a trip, but then when I think about the reality of this trip will never end, my breath catches in my chest. I have gone back to work for about 3 weeks and I do really well during the work days. The mornings are not difficult for me because he was up at 5:00 and gone by 6:00. However, the drive home, (he would be waiting by the door with a glass of wine for me), the evenings, (he would sit in the kitchen with me while I cooked dinner and then we would eat and both do the dishes, he thought he washed better than me (and he did) so I would dry, then off to the tv room for our shows, then up to bed where he would already have the bed turned down like a fine hotel), weekends (he would go downstairs and get us coffee to drink in bed, then the 2nd cup on the patio, doing errands, tending the yard, lounging in the pool we were always together) are very hard. Those first couple of weeks I tried to go to whatever I was asked to but mostly that made me feel more alone. It is awkward being the third wheel and watching people not know how to talk to you. So they either ignore you (more awkward) or they don't mention it at all. So this week I have turned 2 opportunities to go and do something. This is easier but doesn't seem better or healthy. So there in lies question 1, which is better?
My other question is who are we fooling with our pleasant facade? Are we making everyone else feel better or are we trying to fool ourselves? And why do we need to make ourselves seem good when we are quietly falling apart inside? Rarely does a day go by that I don't cry sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. And I'm okay with that for now...
"I only miss you when I'm breathing"
Cyndi
It is going on 11 months since Marylou left her earthly body behind and transitioned to the Spirit Realm, so I kind of have my own way of looking at things...and I also kind of think there are alot of people who don't agree with me...but that's quite alright...we each grieve in our own way.
But I have found since June 12, 2015 which I just call "12", that I have become someone who I've never met.
Marylou and I each spent half our lifetimes with each other, officially married 27 years...we both promised eternity to each other, and our
mutual promise stands for exactly that long.
We each spent half a lifetime becoming the other half of each other...in that single moment 323 days ago, I became that new person that I am now...half of myself.
I have learned since then, that it is impossible for anyone who has not gone through it, to fully understand exactly what this is...I don't care how many years they studied "grief counseling" in college, I don't care how much they think they know about the human condition because they are clergy, or whatever...if they haven't lived it, they just don't know it...end-of-story.
I have also learned that this is nobody's fault...someone who has good eyesight cannot know what it's like to be blind...it really speaks for itself.
No, you do not owe the world a facade, and you do not owe anyone an apology for anything...you are in pain, and you did nothing to deserve it...but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Some people around you will understand that...and some will not.
Over time, you will learn what it means when so many of us on here
refer to "rewriting our address book".
It means that you have become a new person who you are only starting to get to know.
Bot know this first and foremost...that new person that you are did nothing wrong...and owes no one any facades.
Someone posted something a while ago about giving those you are going out with permission to talk about your late husband. Tell them it is ok... Some (most) people don't know what to do, and giving them that permission may ease not only your friends mind, but yours. Talk about him, let them know you need his stories and the stories they may have of him that you don't. I gave all of Chad's friends the permission to do this at his funeral, I have received some of the best gifts by giving that permission.
Your husband sounds like Chad so much, except I was the one getting the coffee in the morning. Cooking used to be a love and joy of mine, we would often do it together, since his passing, it feels like a chore, I find great strength on Sundays after I visit him, I cook for the whole week! Part of me knows this strength comes from the fact he always knew I was so stressed ( I work long hours), and he would be so happy all my meals are prepared and all I need to do is heat them up.
Cry when you want to, laugh when you need to, scream if you need to. I have now accepted I will cry often probably for the rest of my years, sometimes without warning.
Sending you a big hug.
Kim
Yes, I only miss him when I'm breathing too! Very appropriate saying I never heard before. I feel the same, my love died February 16. While I'm a little bit further down this road than you are, the grief is so huge. I am just brokenhearted...that's my word. And I am sorry for your loss.
I am retired so I don't have the issue of going to work; I do work part-time at home occasionally. I love having work, to take my mind off of grief for just a while.
I try to accept every invitation, because I wouldn't want someone to not invite me again. I will probably be more discerning in the future, and still am searching for a good friend here where we moved four years ago. Thank goodness for the phone and old friends!
I can speak freely with some friends and family; others ask "How are you?" but they really don't want to know. So, since I don't want to be Debbie Downer, I answer that I'm okay. I guess I'm trying to fake it until I make it and hope that works.
Things get better. I can now read and watch TV alone. I am grateful that is back. There are a lot of hours to fill!
Guess we're all just trying to find ourselves, our new "selves" in our new normal. I hate it too, but I know it is...what it is.
Hugs...you are really doing well.
Mystic
But I still, after eight months, have to remind myself that she isn't coming back here. This empty home will stay that way until I do something different. I have my faith but it realy has been tested more in this situation than any other I have been in. Take care.
Peace, TIm
P.S. I no longer pay any attention to if I make anybody unconmfortable around me at this point. I'm not rude, just don't fall over backwards to make them more at ease.