Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Exhausted

Emmacar
Emmacar

I became a widow a yr. ago June 11th.  Thankfully he was only 10 days but then passed from undiagnosed pancreatic cancer.  We were married 43yrs. and owned a business together.  One of our kids came into the business 10yrs. ago - thank God.  I was told the 6month mark would throw me for a loop.....and they were right.  They said the first of everything would be hard.....they were right.  But so far nobody has said that it doesn't get easier......  


We both worked in the business - he was the numbers man and I was the sales end - but I find I turned ALL numberical things over to him. When I went to a new Dr. (after 45yrs) she asked when was the last colonoscopy .... no clue.  when was my surgery....no clue ... I went through his calendar and wrote down every date he had noted - birthdays of friends and family, death dates, weddings, events good and bad.  I am having such a hard time with just ME.  I don't  cry every day any longer but I feel less than a half of myself.  I went through a faith based grief workshop.....I can honestly say I left feeling as empty as I came, maybe more empty because I got nothing from it.  I am now seeing a one on one grief counselor and it's the only place I truly have all my feelings out.  I watched my Mom go through grief which is why I worry.  It was a different era, she was left with 2-1/2kids (out of 6) left to raise and had worked "outside" the home 2 days in her life. She totally shut down and it took yrs of work to bring her back.  Which is why I am terrified.  I drag myself 3xs a week to volunteer at a hospital - I'd be just as happy to never get out of bed......ever.


Soooo - I'm exhausted making myself do what is the right thing.  The second I pull into the garage I go limp..... I come into the house and I'm smacked in the face with the reality....  there is not the other half of me.   I'm told to have patience.....I'm trying..... but it's so foreign for me not to be in control of my anything.  HOW DO YOU DO IT?!

AfterMom
AfterMom
No other grief has any similarity to losing your Other Half of 40 or 45 years. That is why the grief group didn’t help you....even though it was faith-based. Many people, even who share the same faith, have NO clue about your loss, so say things which are just cliches. It is also why you’re so disoriented about your history of life with him. It’s not just because he kept track of so much. It’s also why you are afraid of what your mom went through. You & I lost the one who shared all our life’s experiences & memories. It affects our minds because we really were ONE with him & now only part of us is left. It’s been over 4 years for me and I have no secret formula to share. I have not done as well as you. Somehow God has carried me. But a big part of me is still terrified: What will become of me when the worst adjustments hit and I have to walk through them? I don’t know. This is “one day at a time” in the realest way imaginable! But my own situation is probably due, in part, to concrete unanswered questions of financial & home survival. If you are basically secure, in regards to that pictured, Then you can wade through the issues of your emotional sense of belonging, especially at home. It really sucks coming home to an empty house without him. My biggest problem is not belonging to & with anyone, without him. My kids & grandkids all belong to someone else at their homes. They have no clue about me. You are doing things as correctly as is possible, from what you posted here. Even after the 1 year mark, you should not expect to NOT feel raw. You are still fresh to this. Really. Take care, Barb.
AfterMom
AfterMom
PS, absolutely EVERY one of us has a uniquely individual way of DOING this. Because each of us and our marriages is different.
Msbklyn
Msbklyn
This journey is so difficult for each and every one of us. There does not seem to be any straightforward time table for grieving a spouse who has become a part of you. At almost 4 years, I appear to be doing well, but I continue to struggle with my grief at times. If I had to pinpoint a time when I saw a difference, I’d say it was after 3 years. But then, recently I’ve been doing a little backsliding. I try not to analyze it, I’ve come to realize this grief will be with me for the rest of my life, it’s woven into my fabric the same way he was when he was alive. But I think it’s up to each of us to find our way, which is as individual as we are. I have found the companionship of this site and other venues for widows/widowers to be the most helpful resource. I continue to reach out here and in my personal life to people who have lost a spouse or sometimes another close person. , I find compelled to reach out because there is some solace in relating to others who have been on this journey. I hope you find some peace in your days.
proverbs356
proverbs356
I lost my husband of 32 years to pancreatic cancer also. 14 days after being diagnosed. It’s been 3 years and I have realized that grief will always be a part of who I am now. It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy life but there will always be ups and downs. I do find it hard to push myself to socialize, My husbands death motivated some relatives and friends to make changes in their lives realizing time can be short. The problem is they have then shut me out because they are too busy or uncomfortable with my situation. Holidays with siblings are very painful now as everyone talks about their plans, I’ve started to avoid them. I find the only people who will actually acknowledge me are other widows who understand. One of the things I wish people would do is just call. I had so many people say to me “call me when you’re ready or need something”, I find it very hard to do that.
MicheleSue
MicheleSue
First thank you for sharing your story for ME. I am a new widow of just 2 1/2 weeks and I am also exhausted . mostly from crying, screaming, throwing things and yelling why me and of course all the non stop things that need to be done after the fact. I am tired , exhausted and I want this to all be a bad nightmare. I lost my soul mate, the only man I loved, the one person I waited for in a blink of an eye in a tragic work accident . I have been robbed. You are so right I feel like part of me is gone........its true part of me is gone in fact probably the most important part of me. Unfortunately there are not a lot of grief share groups around my area so a nice co-worker told me of this site. Hopefully reading these stories will show me I am not alone......cause right now I sure feel ALL ALONE. I am in NO means suicidal but sometimes I pray that God would take me also just so I can be with him again. I truly feel pain in my chest from this broken heart that I have. This one day at a time is not cutting it......it is only getting worse. Blessings to you in the loss of your husband.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
It took a long time to recognize that while half of me was indeed gone, that a part of Cliff would always remain - inside my heart, inside my head, as integral a part of me as my bones. I miss him everyday, but cherish what I still carry of him inside my being.

The pain lingers but is easier to bear as the years go by. People die but love doesn't, so sometimes the pain hits and it hurts, but most of the time I am fine.

I am sorry for your loss and that you have to struggle through this. I am not surprised the faith group didn't help. Regardless of how strong and trusting your relationship with God or Jesus or your Higher Power, it won't be enough. I have watched literally thousands of people go through this, and faith is never enough. It can be an important part of adapting and surviving, but it won't be the magicv bullet that fixes it all. When your life is shattered on several levels, it takes many pieces to put it back together again. It does not mean you have done anything wrong - quite the contrary - your broken heart and pain are normal. It will take time and effort, but you can get through this. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
shelda
shelda
It has been 41 years that my first husband fell to his death and died and now 3 years since my second husband died of everything.Still feel strange and left out of everything. I moved to the country and live by myself Which I feel I really needed to do for me,Allow the grief in and than you can move forward,and that think of everything you are grateful for and it works,for me it does.
lovesloons
lovesloons
My husband also died of pancreatic cancer in 2009 and I've learned over the past 10 years that the pain of losing him will never go away. I take one day at a time and I cope with family, friends, nature, activities and at the end of the day, say a prayer for my husband and myself and thank God for the blessings I do have. Once I realized that grief will always be a part of me over losing my husband, it was easier to cope with the loss and move forward. You can move forward too one day at a time. Take care.
addison
addison
I lost my husband 3years ago.to heart disease. We were married 54 years. I was very young when we were married and now I find it so difficult to carry on without him. We were inseparable for all those years because we also ran a business together.
I am now 75 and I feel the loss so much because I had to become independent and learn to do things on my own for the first time. Sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. I am doing volunteer work at my church, belong to a fitness center and have many friends I do things with. It is still very lonely life when you lose your soulmate. What to the rest of you do to find comfort? I have dated someone but have no desire to make a commitment..
Addison