Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
It's been three months since my husband died of brain cancer and everyone else is doing well. The crisis is over. They all went home. There's no more frozen meals left on the front porch, no more frequent phone calls to check in, see how I'm doing.
During my husband's illness, I felt as though I had a concrete reason for my sadness and there was always something that I could do about it--fill out a form, sit by his bedside, hold his hand, tell him I love him, care for him, make sure he was being taken care of properly, fill out yet another form.
But now there's nothing to hang my sadness on. People don't understand that in many ways I feel worse than I did before. I feel emptied out. I'm more alone than ever.
I did buy a new couch today. I made sure it was big enough so that my husband would be comfortable. He's 6'3". It didn't seem to matter than he's not here anymore. It doesn't feel like he's died. It just feels like he's not here right at this moment, not that he's gone forever.
A friend texted me today and said how about getting together February 8th. I wanted to scream. What about tonight? And tomorrow? Feb. 8th isn't for another two weeks. How do I get through the next two weeks?
There doesn't seem to be much point in calling the same kind, supportive people who've been there all along and saying, again, "I'm grieving. I ache for my husband." They already know. They don't have anything new to say to me to make me feel better.
I'm doing everything I can think of: grief support group, therapy. How about an online support group? It's great for when it's late at night and I'm feeling crazy from my loss.
During my husband's illness, I felt as though I had a concrete reason for my sadness and there was always something that I could do about it--fill out a form, sit by his bedside, hold his hand, tell him I love him, care for him, make sure he was being taken care of properly, fill out yet another form.
But now there's nothing to hang my sadness on. People don't understand that in many ways I feel worse than I did before. I feel emptied out. I'm more alone than ever.
I did buy a new couch today. I made sure it was big enough so that my husband would be comfortable. He's 6'3". It didn't seem to matter than he's not here anymore. It doesn't feel like he's died. It just feels like he's not here right at this moment, not that he's gone forever.
A friend texted me today and said how about getting together February 8th. I wanted to scream. What about tonight? And tomorrow? Feb. 8th isn't for another two weeks. How do I get through the next two weeks?
There doesn't seem to be much point in calling the same kind, supportive people who've been there all along and saying, again, "I'm grieving. I ache for my husband." They already know. They don't have anything new to say to me to make me feel better.
I'm doing everything I can think of: grief support group, therapy. How about an online support group? It's great for when it's late at night and I'm feeling crazy from my loss.
Just know grief is as individual as we all are. It's been over 2 years and I still have times when I can't function. I deal with it and I don't think it will ever be better just have learned to manage it the best I can
I wish you peace and that you take of yourself.
Jeff.
I think if I didn't have that I'd probably ask a friend or a relative if I could come stay with them for a while... not sure that would work or not for me.
Anyway... you've got all of us to talk to when you need it :)
The acceptance that my life would never ever be the same and that I was the only person who could make it at least bearable was the best tool to acquire. Very good friends have now become acquaintances while I make new friends who like myself are widows and get it. It`s an ongoing process and can only be achieved one small step at a time and for me falling back happens often and that`s ok because I simply get up , dust off my big girl panties and carry on .I have not stopped carrying the pain of losing in, now I have gotten stronger and can carry it easier .
There is the loss of your spouse, the person who you built your life around. Two shall become one, and now there is only one. The pain at first is unbearable and the situation seems unreal. That is more than enough to hang your grief on. Believe me, all of us here get it, but those who have not experienced it just can't understand.
Take your time and be kind to yourself, please. Small baby steps are what you take starting out. The grief group and counseling are both good ideas. Hope this helps.
Hugs,
Val
Our life changed and we must change in small ways day by day. We want what we had and we must rebuild with what is unknown. It's hard, but we do it together. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find comfort here with us. Sharon
I also like that you bought a couch with him in mind. Even if he is gone...so what. I make food he loved and while I'm eating I say "Gee, too bad you're not here. It came out REALLY good this time" cuz I know he's still watching over me. So hey, your honey might wanna test out the new sofa and he'll like that it fits. :)
Keep strong, keep smiling. It does get better.
Most of us gain such a profound sense of caring, empathy and compassion for others, that's what makes life worth moving forward.
I am so sorry for your loss, it us good you are here,
Hugs.........Sandra
It is early days for you I am at 6 months, almost, it has eased in that the periods between my melt downs are getting longer. Keep reaching out to people, here and in your life, you WILL meet some new people who will help you to move on.
Hugs xx
I know what you mean about it not feeling like your husband has actually died, that he's just not there at the moment. I kept feeling as though Todd and I had had an argument and weren't talking but I knew we would patch it up soon and all would be back to normal. It's like being jerked back to reality every time the truth hits.
I know that my friends still care, but they have taken up the rhythm of their normal lives. It's not that I am insignificant to them now, but they are fitting me into their day to day lives and those phone calls don't come with the regularity they did at first.
But SFKX, I would not have come to grips with that at 3 months. Please go easy on yourself. It's a horrible roller coaster ride of grief, but we just have no option but to take it. My life will never be as it was with my husband, but it will get better than it is right now. Karen