I'm thinking a few things here. First, her anger may be misdirected fear. I would also worry some about Alzheimer's or other form of dementia. And finally, I agree that she may be grieving. I know I got a "jump start" on th grieving process when my husband was diagnose with terminal cancer.

I am so sorry you and your family have to go though this. My thoughts are with you.

Hugs, Mary

It does actually make sense. Your mom is angry because your father is dying not doing laundry. It is an irrational action because it bypasses reason and is a reaction to the pain she feels. I am sad to say, I was much the same! I bit everything and everybody - and that because I did not want to be bereft. I did find that seeing a doctor and ridding myself of some of my grief did help. as did the mild tranquillizer. One still has to live through the grief to come and I pity you all! There is not a lot you can do here, but to try to see where your mom is coming from and try to let her ranting affect you less. It might be a good time to get dad to the hospice about now??? Just a thouight

Like you, my husband died suddenly, but my father succombed to prostate cancer which spread very rapidly. My mother was Daddy's caregiver, with me as assistant and support. I went to all the doctor visits, the consultations (and argued with his doctors!), the radiation treatments, and even took Holy Communion with him when our priest came to administer Last Rites. I come from a big family - 6 kids - and the opinion is divided as to which death disintegrated the family - whether Daddy was the glue that held us together or Momma was. Either way, we were never really the same after Daddy died. Momma definitely not.

The family dynamics are going to go through some upheaval. It will take time for you all to find your way through your grief and figure out how you all fit together again. It will be different, at least it was for us and for others I have known who have gone through this. While each of you has a relationship with your Dad, each relationship is different, the grief and reactions will be different, and your reactions to your Mom's grieving will be different, too.

Because you are the one with the most experience, unfortunately, you may be the only one who can give your Mom advice. The advice? Make sure she has said all she needs to say to your Dad while she still can, and not to waste precious moments on day-to-day frustrations. I think it is the fear and the anger at the situation rather than at your father, but it would be very sad if venting at him is the only way she can find to express it. I am hoping that hospice can also help your Mom to deal with this and understand that, as I know that is a big responsibility to lay at your feet.

My Dad and I spent everyday together during his treatments, hospitalizations, etc., we talked and talked and talked, and he and I had no unresolved issues when he passed. The last thing we said to each other were "I love you," and because of that, I have no regrets and could deal with his loss much better than my siblings who avoided it all. I also told my husband Cliff everyday that I loved him, and we always kissed hello and goodbye even if we were apart for only 15 minutes to go to the store or something. My husband knew I loved him, and I have no regrets on that front either. Other issues, yes, but no that one, which is a common one that I have seen here over the years.

Here is a suggestion, something I have said to my kids when they really tick me off: I tell them, "I love you even when I am mad at you." This reassures them that the anger is temporary, but the love is forever and unshakeable. Maybe your Mom needs to say something like that to your Dad. It's just my opinion, and I don't know all the ins-and-outs of your family or their marriage, but I think she needs to express to him how she feels and not let anything go unsaid that she will regret later. Your Mom and Dad need to talk as openly and lovingly as they can.

I am sorry you are all going through this, especially with your own loss still pretty recent. I hope this helps, and I will keep you all in my prayers.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

It is natural to get angry, caregiving very difficult. Get hospice to help Its too much all alone. My husband fought 7 years colon cancer, too care of my dad 1 1/2 years, very rough. Its either get angry or cry sometimes. I would say a lot of prayer is needed, get a pastor to visit and friends, always helps, get relief for each of you, time away. And love that man because the memories are precious once they are gone. I got a heart recorder about $7 on Ebay or $10 on Amazon, have a message from my husband on it. You might get one of those for later. God will see you thru this and will give you back the time you lost, I can vouch for this as He has me. God bless.

I'm sorry you all are having to deal with this. My husband passed away last year after battling a 5 year battle with colon cancer. I was the caregiver and as I read your post, I recognized myself to some extent. My husband also started smoking again after 3 months of quitting and it made me mad. The reason it made me mad was because he wasn't trying to help himself what little he could. If you dad is like this, then that could be part of the reason she is so upset. She may be feeling that she is breaking herself trying to help him and he want do his part. That was the way I felt. Toward the end, when he was completely bed ridden, it was hard. He would not give in and let Hospice help me. He would keep saying, I'm not that bad yet. Finally, I had to set him down and tell him that I could not keep on giving the care he needed by myself and I needed help. Then, he gave in and we got Hospice. This would help your Mom so much and it could help her with her anger issues if she wasn't pushed so by helping him. Another thing that helped me was, one of my daughters would come and sit with him and the other daughter would get me out of the house and away from it all. I didn't go by myself and it was so much more enjoyable going with someone. Just giving her breaks away from it all will help a lot but most of all, Hospice will make a big difference. I hope this helps!

Part of your Mother's problem may well be grief. I know my grieving began long before my husband died, it began with the acceptance of the fact that he was going to die. Part of the problem may be caretaker burnout. You did not mention if Hospice is involved with your Father's care. They provide wonderful services including respite care

I was caregiver for my wife in the last few years of her life.

Being a caregiver for an ill spouse is a horribly difficult role to fill, both physically and emotionally, and many caregivers feel anger directed at their spouses. The caregiver experiences sorrow and despair watching the ill spouse decline, but must simultaneously deal with the daily minutiae of caring for them. It sounds like your sister is able to provide your mother with necessary down time, but it also sounds like your mother's other problems may be complicating the situation.

If your mother can use a computer, you might want to look into a forum for spouses of seriously ill people, www.wellspouse.org. It is strictly for the well spouses, and is very supportive and nonjudgmental.

I don't think your mother's denial and anger mean she is not doing her best to care for her husband, and I think you are right to approach her as if she were experiencing grief at her impending loss, displaying a perhaps innate tendency toward denial, and suffering the effects of caregiving. Whatever support you can get for her, inside or outside the family, may help her get through this very difficult time.

I'm sorry for your pain, I'm so sorry for your Mother, and all the things your family is going through and will go through in days and weeks to come. I was my husbands caregiver, more aggressively in the last six months of his life and with five kids I actually wondered at times if I would die too, either from exhaustion or a broken heart. I could never quite put into words what hurt the most....my body or my heart when I looked at the love of my life, the innocence that had taken over his precious face in that bed depending on me for everything. I loved him more than I have words to describe, our years together and all the children together only made his passing more painful as I was blissfully happy. I had found my soul mate, my forever friend, the lover and confidant I had dreamed of as a young girl. He was dying and I was too busy to be angry, between his constant care and the kids I had no time to feel anything really. I think the past six months, we are coming up on 7 on the 17th of this month, I have been catching up physically and resting and healing from the inside out. Your Mother's grief began a long time ago, and she is just emotionally and physically bankrupt and running on empty. She's angry and knows it's not your Dad's fault, but she can't help it. She's missing him already, her life is changing, has been and she is helpless to do anything about it.
God Bless her, God Bless all of you I am so sorry you are hurting.

Please let us know how things are now? Thinking of you a lot

I'm going to share some things that I experienced while caring for my late husband that I've never shared with anyone before.....

1) We knew my husband was terminal from the time he was diagnosed........and people were very supportive and understanding of what he was going through. But there were times when I wanted to shout, "Hey, I'm going through this too! What about me and what I'm feeling?" Maybe your mother is in need of some support for what she's going through.

2) I was terrified of what was happening, but I had to be the strong, supportive spouse......and it was exhausting. I took the advice of a friend who had lost her husband to a particularly aggressive form of MS and cried in my closet or the garage. Maybe your mother needs permission to grieve....because she is grieving now.

3) As time went on, I just wanted it to be over.... and felt incredibly guilty for even allowing that thought to pass through my mind. I still do. But the stress of knowing you are going to loss the most important person in your life can kill you. She may be experiencing guilt and needs to know it's ok and perfectly normal.

Give her the chance to talk....openly and freely and realize that she is reacting to an unbearable situation that she has no way to escape.

Thank you all for your input. My dad is actually doing much better physically. He and I had a good deep conversation on Fathers Day. As they're hours away, my mother and I email every day and I expressed some of what I see her dealing with and understand what she's expressing.
Blessings, Doreen

When my husband Jim came home from the nursing home for the last week of his life I really thought I could make him better. I took care of all his needs. I used a lift I had bought to move him from bed to wheelchair. We had Easter at our house and he happily played with his grandson. A few days later we were transported in a wheelchair van down to the VA to see the doctor. It was so hard to move him through the hall to the kitchen and I was so frustrated a few times. I don't know during that time I felt anger I would call it fear of losing the one person I loved so much. He died exactly one week from coming home on a Friday April 17, 2009 and it was his youngest daughter's birthday. I try no longer to go there but to remember the good parts of our married life.