Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Truhal 05/04/2011

Yvette Vickers died. At least that's what they think. She was a B movie star back in the 50s. She made a few films, grew old, and dyed alone. It took one year to discover her body in her home. Why? Because there was no one to check on her. Maybe no one to care. She was in her 80s. Had no children. No husband. And she lived alone.

And that is our greatest fear. I know it runs through my mind often.

The other day I was thinking about this. I'd read one of those studies that said people who have loved ones live longer. For years I'd heard this, but I never thought about it until recently. As why people live longer who have loved ones and you're likely to get statements like, well they are loved. That's what makes them live longer. But I know better. They receive care, that's why they live longer. There's someone there to pick them up, see that they take their meds and take them on time. There's someone there to see that they're not abused and that they get to their doctor appointments on time.

But for those of us who have no one. Well, there's Yvette Vickers.

The other day I ended up in the emergency room. I was fine, but since they're not sure what caused my problem, they sent me home with instructions to return if I'm acting strangely. The doctor pointed out that I may not know I'm acting strangely, so there should be someone there to check on me.

So I came home by taxi. I walked into my apartment remembering how there would have been someone there just a year ago. But not anymore. So if I'm acting strangely... well...

kdbcomputer 05/04/2011

Being alone is the worst part of this whole thing. I have children, but they have their own lives. I hear from them, but if something was to happen and I didn't have my cellphone with me, it might be awhile until I was missed. The only saving grace is that I might actually die and get the heck out of here! LOL

((((HUGS))))
Karl

michaelbmanning 05/04/2011

This is a thought. I have kids...young ones. There would be no one that would notice if I were acting strangely. Maybe a 12 year old could drive me to the hospital. This is one thing to think about and hope nothing ever happens.

Maggie

deleted_user 05/04/2011

I am at the other end. I have seven siblings, three children, Several Nieces and nephews. Recently when i suffered an illsness, they practically smothered me with concern, and all i could think was "Why cant they leave me alone, if it is my time, I would be HAPPY to join hubby" I know I am blessed and everyone will say how lucky I am, but as kdbomputer stated, really i am prepared to "get the heck out of here" My thoughts and prayers are with you Truhal. Hope you are feeling better.

deleted_user 05/04/2011

I read something just this morning that I agree with - JUST MY OPINION - ''The ultimate sanctification of God is not through death, but through life''. I am trying every day to live a good one. Yes, life alone is very hard, but we all die alone. No one can always keep us ''safe'' - we know that, from losing our loved ones - we all had the best intentions about taking care of them, and watched over them. We can have backup plans - someone to check in on us - etc. , and when you have small children and people who depend on you, all you can do is tell them that you love them every day, and try to provide for their future the best you can. But unless you reach out today, and love others , and God, and live your life -you aren't really living anyway. IN MY OPINION. Enjoy the day my dear friends, the best you can. Reach out to someone and make a difference. Vicki

deleted_user 05/04/2011

I have family and friends and I know that they would check on me.

The thing about Vickers is that she choose to not allow her family into her life. A cousin siad that they had tried to maintain contact and she shut them out and would not reply. So, contact and not being alone is a two way street...you have to extend that branch or accept it also.

laurabp 05/04/2011

I have heard several horror stories about people ending up alone and abused by the very loved ones whom they expected to be there for them! Therefore, I tend to think that having people around you is important, not necesarrily that they are loved ones. If you work, go to church, chat with your neighbors on a regular basis, etc. it helps keep you from being isolated. Living alone and being a hermit are two entirely different things. laurabp

mooreandmore 05/04/2011

My eldest and youngest (grown-up) children are extremely demanding and I see them every day. My middle one is demanding but in a different more acceptable way, I see her 3 or 4 times a week and on the other days she gets concerned if I don't make phone contact at least once a day so she knows I'm ok. My step son speaks to me probably twice a week which is good. I have a widowed friend who tells me I'm very lucky to have all that. I just crave some peace and quiet and alone time - and I feel guilty for wanting that.

deleted_user 05/04/2011

It is so sad to die and have no one there, but it happens. I have friends who arrange to call each other every day at certain times. If they don't answer, the caller will know that something is wrong. I think it gives them peace of mind. Judith

Nicker07 05/04/2011

I have neighbors if I need I can call for help but other than that my daughter lives ~50+ miles away, my son 350+ & they do not call everyday, they have children & lives. Our friends we hung around with somehow do not want a single around.

I seriously do not stay downtown ~40+ miles away in wtr nights because there is no one to check to see if I went in ditch or not.
. And My cell phone does not have coverage for 20 miles up to my home.

I was told to tell someone if I went somewhere but who? My neighbors do not want to babysit me.

Its just the way it is.

jillieg 05/04/2011

I just figure that until my "assignment" is finished here, I am not finished...I am lonely at times, but NEVER alone...God holds me in his arms every minute and has promised never to leave...who am I to argue with that! Stay safe my friends...and keep looking up! :)

NewRoadsForMe 05/04/2011

When Joe died, all my security went away. We used to have all these safety checks so we would know the other was OK, sometimes several times a day. When he died, I became an alone person. I break all the rules that Joe and I used to employ for safety sake. We live on a little lake and we had a rule about never swimming alone. Now I swim alone. When I would drive somewhere alone at night, I would call him when I got where I was going and also when I left to come home. I have come to realize and accept that life has stages. Some stages are very safe and the stage we are in now is not. When I walk in the yard, there are many big roots protruding from the big trees and I have tripped and fallen more than once. But, I may fall and not be found for a couple of days. Cell service in non-existent in the rural area where I live. If I am to live and try to have fun, I have to accept that I may die alone or lie in pain from an injury. That's just the way it is. And I'm OK with that, not that I like it, but I have accepted it. I'm not going to quit doing things I love because I am alone. I am recently considering buying a kayak because we live 5 minutes from a spring fed river and lots of kayakers enjoy the beauty and I want to be part of that. Joe and I had had a boat, which my son now has. But if I suddenly want to spend a day on the river, I will. Even alone.

Truhal 05/04/2011

Thanks for all the replies. I'm starting to see some light in this situation and am feeling much better. I've decided to get a condo when I'm ready to buy. They're cheaper and certainly there is a certain amount of safety in living in a building with others. Also I'm working on finding a church. I definetly want to be a part of something.

NewRoadsForMe 05/04/2011

Truhal, that sounds like a wonderful plan, just right for you. I definitely like your idea of finding a church that suits YOU. You may need to visit several before you find the one that is right for you. Don't give up! I found the very BEST church after several other trials.

Caroline04 05/05/2011

It is sad for that lady, but we needn't dwell on that because we never know for sure when, where and why, the day we will depart this earth. Unless you are under hospice care or in the hospital, we just don't know. So, we need to put our thoughts and energy into living. (Even if our spouses were still alive, there is no guarantee they would be at our sides.)

I know that given our experiences here, we often think about things that never would had occurred to us before. We are constantly sifting through our thoughts and wondering which ones are signifigant and if there is anything we can do to improve our situations. (or am I the only one?) The only thing we may have some contol over (hopefully) regarding death are our wills.

If you are still hung up on these thoughts, perhaps someone in the neighborhood could have some sort of signal that all is well. For instance, if it is noon and my blinds are still closed, won't you give me a call? There are things like Life Alert and also, retirement communities that check in on their members.

edithbathgate 05/06/2011

I was told years ago to consider what I can put into life, rather than take from it. At the same time I want to use reasonable common sense and no do things that are needlessly risky. I live next a lady who is very ill and all us neighbors are trying to keep track of her needs. Also, I do go out at night by myself to meetings in town, about 9 miles away. A safer alternative might be to stay home and watch TV but my sanity is worth something to me. I agree with the member who said there is work here yet to be done by us. I would rather have gone when my darling did but given that I'm still here I want to make myself useful and reasonable happy. I will probably spend Mothers' Day alone because I never had children and have 2 great steps who have to spend time with their kids, mothers and in-laws. I can cry and moan about that or plan a movie, a trip to a museum and calls to other who may be alone. It is really up to me. I have a poster on my wall that I look at every day It says, "Have a great day if you want to." That's about the size of it. I get to choose.

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