OH, I am so, so sorry for you. I think it is wonderful that you are doing this for his family that needs and expects it, but I do understand your feelings. I do not think I could have gone through it myself.

My husband has told me for years that he wanted to be cremated. He couldn't stand funerals or anything about them. We had a very lovely ceremony, just no body present and no viewing. I did consult with our pastor before making the final decision on cremation. But I had a fight on my hands with my husband's sister. She did not agree with this at all. My children all supported me and that was all that really mattered, but I also thankfully had the support of several other family members including my SIL own daughter to whom Dan had also expressed the desire for cremation. Still, I had a lot of guilt and anguish over this decision. I did not want to upset his sister, brother and a few of the older family members. Besides, it is not what people in our little rural community usually do.

Anyway, my point is that it is going to be a very tough time for you no matter what. And had you gone against the family, you would have had the added burden of guilt on your part and probably anger on theirs. Even having all the support from our children and other close family members, it was very hard for me to go against his sister's wishes and it wasn't even her place to make any decisions regarding his burial.

I wish I had some tips to offer you to help you make it through the day. I really wanted to avoid a service for my husband and he would have been fine with that, but I knew his family needed it. And I made it through just fine. It won't be easy, but you too will make it.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort.

The whole thing is horrible. It took two weeks for my husband to transition and I called each of his family members to tell them what happened. Now they want to say goodbye but they had two weeks to do it. I'm only doing this for his daughter and I want to be supportive, but this is alien territory for me. I'm miserable enough as it is.

Today I made a decision. I'll attend the first hour and only when the coffin is closed. Then I'm going to my fathers to sit the rest of the day out until the service starts. I've told my step-daughter of my plans and she seems fine with it, but she doesn't know that I don't plan to stay for the entire day. I just can't see it. Me sitting downstairs in the church, greeting people all day who have not seen my husband in ten years or more.

Oh how hard this is to do. I agree with Scully722, it is wonderful that you are going along with it for, if no one else, his 28 year old. I would be the same way about the body and all that. Hey if it makes you break down then that is what you have to do. I didn't want to have anything for Rob. He was cremated but his Sister insisted on a memorial which I had been opposed to. I had and and trying to deal with hard feeling I have with some people that I knew would come to the memorial and pay attention to Rob then but couldn't spare the time in the 16 months he was dying. In the long run I felt better about giving closure to his Sister, Mother and Father. I think he would have wanted it for them not him. My thoughts are with you and I am sorry that this is going to upset you further. Like you need that. Hug, Donna

Please accept my condolances. So sad is a loss that you have already said your good byes to yet the general custom of having a wake and funeral are now something you must face. My husband died suddenly. He would not have wanted a viewing but for the sake of the family it was something I needed to arrange. They did share stories, most of which were funny antidotes and endearing showing the love others had for him. I arranged the funeral. I planned it out like a script. I didn't want it to go on for hours. Three family members had five minutes each to talk, he was a veteran so we had a honor guard and the flag presented to his son, two touching songs and a minister who was his friend starting out with "For everything there is a time". It was a beautiful service lasting just over an hour. The reception went by in a blur and the it was over.
It isn't pleasant it is a ritual but one that is praticed by the majority. I hope you handle it better than you think you will...

I have a very small family and my husband has basically no family. I had not been to a funeral in ages and didn't know how I would handle my husband's service. He was cremated and we did not have the body present but still I anticipated that I would not be in a good state of mind.

For me, the service was wonderful and I was not the "mess" that I was afraid I would be. My 3 children all wrote something. The two youngest read theirs and my oldest son wrote a lovely poem which his girlfriend read. My 15 yr old dtr said repeatedly she would not be able to read her comments since she was devastated - but once the service started she changed her mind and said "I want to do this" and did a great job. My sister read what I wrote.

I have to admit that I did not handle it the way I had expected. I was scared that I would break down and be a basket case. I think back to it often and I am now so glad that many people who didn't know my husband well heard so many wonderful things about him. We had many wonderful pictures of the happy times in his life and my daughter and her friends created a beautiful video with his favorite beatles music.

For me, this was such a positive thing - and yet a part of me had dreaded it. I hope you will find this experience to be different than you are anticipating, like I did. But whatever the case, keep in mind that everyone should understand whatever you decide to do and whatever is best for you. If it's too hard to handle then don't - think of yourself also and what will be best for you.

I think you have a very workable plan, Truhal. To be there for an hour with the coffin closed (you did already say good-bye to him, you don't need that) and then to be there for the service sounds like enough to have to go through. It's not like you won't be thinking of him every moment, but prolonging something like this is unendurable.

I had the same experience. After my husband passed, I sat with him for two hours until they took him away. I didn't feel rushed or pressured but privileged to be spending my last moments with his body in person.

He'd had me crochet him a kippah (head covering in the Jewish religion) and wanted it on his head for eternity, so I brought it with me to the funeral. The funeral director asked if I wanted to put it on his head myself, but I very quickly said no; I'd said my good-byes, I really didn't want to see him again like that.

The funeral was only about 30 minutes (it was graveside and freezing cold anyway). I did walk up to his coffin and bend down and kiss it good-bye, but nothing prolonged. People gave a few memories of him, but as his sons and I remarked afterwards, they didn't sound like him anyway.

I'm glad that you're doing what you are for his family and also glad to think that you won't be dragged through a long day like that.

I do not think the funeral is where we say goodbye. I think the funeral is where all of us who knew them, cared about them, or those who care about us gather together to affirm that this was a person who was important and won't be easily forgotten. We exchange our sorrow with each other, offer comfort to each other, share memories and prayers. The funeral is much more for the living than the dead, I think it has as much to do with our relationships with those still here as with the one we've all lost.

Cliff and I believed that the soul lingers near the body for a time after leaving it. We did not have a viewing or wake, our faith forbids embalming, so everything was at the graveside. I had kissed him goodbye at the funeral home before he was placed in his coffin, placing rose petals and a lock of my hair in his burial shroud to symbolize the part of me that went with him, and said prayers with his brother by his body. Then we traveled to the cemetery for the funeral. I gave the eulogy as I knew him best, I had things I wanted to say about this man I had loved for 30 years. I don't know how I did it, but I did. His brother read a piece he had written about how Cliff had been as much a father to him as a brother, friends shared stories and memories and praise for his goodness and the difference his life had made on theirs. It was a comfort to hear them speak. The eulogy that my older son gave moved everyone, even those that hadn't known Cliff, deeply - grown men wept to hear my son speak of his loss - he had spoken from his heart. A friend sang "Amazing Grace" a capella. And then the prayer for the dead was read, with its repetitive verses, and finally at one point I felt Cliff's soul break free for its journey back to God. We had all been there to wish him well on that journey and to let him and each other know he would be missed.

It was a very long day. But was necessary as a first step towards healing for all of us. It does not stop the pain. It is a collective acknowledgment of the pain. We continue to say goodbye over and over again for a long time, long after the last rites are given, after the prayers have been said, after the body is no more. The funeral gives us the chance to wish them well on their journey to whatever comes next and to comfort each other.

I cannot tell you what to do - your faith and your and your husband's wishes will dictate that. I can tell you that I am glad I did what I did and said the things I said and let others have their chance to speak of him. Looking back I have no real regrets on what transpired that day. I have many regrets about other things, but not that.

I wish you peace with whatever you decide and strength and courage to get through that day.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Like you, I really hated the thought of a memorial service...and most of all I hated trying to organize it, pick verses from the Bible and just trying to be politically correct....My husband was creamated but I had his urn there and there was a service.. I paid for it, but I asked his brother (Catholic as was my husband)and he took the reins and chose everything other than the urn and flowers...He chose the music, bible verses, who was going to speak, the whole thing...Ya know what, after it was over, I was glad we did it....The company that my husband worked for brought a fleet of their vehicles and trucks to show support...Bosses and managers from other offices as far away as 500 miles showed up. Other routesman stopped their routes and had to work into the night so they could attend. My
daughters mother in law drove 8 hours to be here. It was amazing..My sister had to buy 4 airline tickets to get here...I will never forget peoples kindness that day....There were wonderful stories about my husband that I would never have known if I hadnt had that service...I hope this note helps you in some small way.