Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm dealing with a lot of different emotions lately. This is about the passing of my dad on 5/5/2019 at the age of 84 and how to deal with my mom. I feel so much resentment towards my mom which is making it very hard for me to be there for her. I don't like feeling this way but I don't know what to do about it. My mom was not a very loving mom or wife. She was never there for me when I needed her. She had six children with my dad, was married to him for 60 years and is one of the most heartless people I know. She had her "favorite" children and I wasn't one of them, mainly because I take after my dad's side of the family(which is not a bad thing!). My dad had to do everything for her because she never bothered to get a driver's license, she hated to go grocery shopping so she didn't, she would leave for 3-5 months at a time to visit her family in Europe. She continued to go to Europe even when my dad became very ill, when he suffered multiple mini strokes, when he would have seizures, when he was afraid to be home alone...when dementia set in... she didn't care one bit. She left it up to her children to take care of him, mainly me and one of my sisters (the other daughter she didn't like). She didn't bother to stay at hospice when they told us my dad would not be with us much longer. She went home because she was tired! My dad passed peacefully with only his two daughters who always took care of him by his side. Now my mom is angry because he died after she left. She's angry because he died with her two least favorite daughters by his side. Anyway, I'm rambling. The love of my life died from a heart attack on 4/16/19 and I couldn't be there for my dad in his last weeks because I was grieving and I had a lot of crap to deal with. She not once called me to see how I was doing. Instead she told my other siblings that I dropped her like a hot potato and that she didn't want to take care of my dad. She was so very mean to him it hurts my heart to think about it. Sure, they had their problems but still, she was his wife and he really needed her. So now my mom needs me to help her. I feel like her "favorite" children ought to step up and be there for her. Also, it is so very difficult for me to go to her home because my dad is no longer there. Every time I go over there I end up crying as soon as I get in my car to go back home. I lost the two most important men in my life back to back and it sure feels like I was left to deal with it on my own. I feel like my family doesn't understand how difficult all of this is for me. I am a very strong person but I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to fall apart, I don't want to have to deal with my mom and her issues, I want to be left alone.... they way she left me alone when I needed her. I don't know what it's like to have a loving mother. She wasn't there for me when I gave birth to my son 3 months prematurely (I was 19 and it was a lot to deal with). My son is a miracle baby because he only weighed 1 1/2 pounds and he made it without any health issues, which is huge because he was born in 1981. She didn't help me at all. She wasn't there for me when I lost my twins in 1999 due to premature labor. She wasn't there for me when I went through my divorce, when I had difficult surgeries, when my hubby died. She just wasn't there for me, ever. As a matter of fact, she did some very ugly things to make sure my sister and I always knew how much she didn't like us. And now I don't want to be there for her, especially because of how ugly she was to my dad. How do I let go of whatever this is? My mom is 79 years old and she lives by herself. I know it must be very scary for her and I feel like the worst daughter ever. How do I get my nurturing side back? I'm still grieving my losses the best I know how. I have good days and I have very bad days with this grieving process. When I say I want to be happy, I mean it. I am so tired of struggling with all of these mixed emotions. Most of my life I always felt like the rug was getting pulled out from under my feet, waiting for the other shoe to drop, getting knocked down and always having to get back up. Now I'm tired and I need to rest a bit. I need to take care of myself but then there is my needy mom .....
Stop being her doormat. Giving birth does not give anyone the right to treat you like crap.
You need positive, supportive, caring people around you. It sounds like at least you have one sister who is caring.
I also come from a large family of 6 kids, and I also had a less than perfect relationship with my mother. I understand how complicated these relationships and interrelationships can get, especially in the face of illness and loss. Let me be as clear as I can be: You have a right to grieve and heal. You have a right to protecct yourself from toxic people who treat you badly. You owe her nothing. You have already paid very dearly anything that was ever owed.
Go forward. You can, and it will be all right.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
However, it is possible that you could try to bury your feelings, be the bigger person and take short-term responsibility for helping to set up a care plan for your mother. Help has to be at the ready; she is aged and deserving. Have you considered speaking with a geriatric consultant? Under the circumstances, you may find it merciful to only check for the basics, such as not taking full responsibility for all of her needs, leave the rest to finding social or community services and programs, work with a senior care team instead of taking on so much personal responsibility.
Sad that you've had way too many conflicts between you and hurt feelings are deeply set-in place. The fact is, your mother is way too old now to expect a prompt change in her character. So sorry about this stress and anxiety. And to be considered is the risk of more arguments and conflicts, so you must consider doing what's first best for you.
Best to you!
I do consider this link useful for you: https://health.usnews.com/health-news/patient-advice/articles/2016-07-20/how-to-manage-sibling-squabbles-when-caring-for-an-aging-parent
Sounds to me like you’ve already paid your dues by taking care of your father. I know the Ten Commandments say, “Honor thy father and thy mother,” but that does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself to do it. Do your other sibs - especially her favorites - live near her? Sounds to me like it is time for them to step up, something they absolutely will not do if you are there already doing it.
You have suffered two very significant losses close together. You need time to grieve. You need time for yourself. You do not need your narcissistic mother treating you like a poor stepchild when you are the one providing what she needs. Give her a chance to see what your siblings are made of.
I am one of seven children and was blessed to have a wonderful relationship with both parents. I also helped take care of them until they died. But I also understood why one of my sisters would not help with Mom, due to their constant conflict over the years.
You know, what are you afraid will happen if you don’t take care of her? Are you afraid she’ll get mad? So what? Are you afraid your sibs will be angry? So what? Are you afraid she’ll say bad things about you? She probably already does. Sometimes realistically answering, “What will happen if I don’t...?” helps free us from feeling like we must.
I'm so sorry for all the grief, the pains from childhood and the upbringing re your mother that you are going through.
For now though, I think it's important and wise and ok to focus on yourself. Your mom has her other kids.
Praying for you!
Ebmolly