Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
This is a blog by Christina Rasmussen. I think it is a good message for widows, so I am copying it here for you.
2ND FIRSTS: DON'T GET ON THE ANNIVERSARY TRAIN
"I had to ask myself, is this what I have to go through every single year, and is this remembering him? The answer was a big loud NO. Louder than the train. I left the platform and ran.
RAN AWAY FROM THE ANNIVERSARY TRAIN.
Where did I go instead?
I went to the beach. I went to the places we visited.
I talked about him to people who never knew him.
I smiled when I said his name.
Yes it is sad. Yes there are tears. Yes it sucks.
I am sorry there is no way around this. Your heart will feel heavy.
But don't get on the death day train.
Run away and find the sky, the moon, the sea. The memories.
The journey. The celebration
On his birthday we would go and sing to his grave. We would bring breakfast and sit there and sing and the girls would dance, ......
The train does not visit me anymore. There is nobody waiting on the platform. From where I am standing those anniversaries are excuses to celebrate the life of the man who is the father of my kids.
The man who taught me how to be a warrior thru his 4-yr. battle with the beast people call cancer.
The man who showed me how much he loved life and how much he did not want to say goodbye to his kids.
Yes it's sad and unfair and not what happens to most 35-yr-olds, but that stream of thought takes me back to the train.
And that is not where he would want me to be.
He would say the first couple of years will be tough, but after that you have to make sure you get to live.
If he knew about the anniversary train, he would smile and shake his head and say it is not where I live. It is not where my legacy is.
My legacy is inside of you, and in the lives of my girls.
Go. Go. Go Remember me, but don't get on that train.
I am going to ask you the same.
DON'T GET ON THAT TRAIN. It doesn't really go anywhere, and
Healing only lives in celebrating the lives of the ones we have lost, not how they died."
* * * * * * * * * *
Like all of you, I re-lived the last month of my husband's life, and the last day. That was the first year. But I don't want to be on that train either, and like Ms. Rasmussen, I feel we should celebrate the lives of our loved ones and not dwell on the date they left us.
Peace to all of you - Doye
2ND FIRSTS: DON'T GET ON THE ANNIVERSARY TRAIN
"I had to ask myself, is this what I have to go through every single year, and is this remembering him? The answer was a big loud NO. Louder than the train. I left the platform and ran.
RAN AWAY FROM THE ANNIVERSARY TRAIN.
Where did I go instead?
I went to the beach. I went to the places we visited.
I talked about him to people who never knew him.
I smiled when I said his name.
Yes it is sad. Yes there are tears. Yes it sucks.
I am sorry there is no way around this. Your heart will feel heavy.
But don't get on the death day train.
Run away and find the sky, the moon, the sea. The memories.
The journey. The celebration
On his birthday we would go and sing to his grave. We would bring breakfast and sit there and sing and the girls would dance, ......
The train does not visit me anymore. There is nobody waiting on the platform. From where I am standing those anniversaries are excuses to celebrate the life of the man who is the father of my kids.
The man who taught me how to be a warrior thru his 4-yr. battle with the beast people call cancer.
The man who showed me how much he loved life and how much he did not want to say goodbye to his kids.
Yes it's sad and unfair and not what happens to most 35-yr-olds, but that stream of thought takes me back to the train.
And that is not where he would want me to be.
He would say the first couple of years will be tough, but after that you have to make sure you get to live.
If he knew about the anniversary train, he would smile and shake his head and say it is not where I live. It is not where my legacy is.
My legacy is inside of you, and in the lives of my girls.
Go. Go. Go Remember me, but don't get on that train.
I am going to ask you the same.
DON'T GET ON THAT TRAIN. It doesn't really go anywhere, and
Healing only lives in celebrating the lives of the ones we have lost, not how they died."
* * * * * * * * * *
Like all of you, I re-lived the last month of my husband's life, and the last day. That was the first year. But I don't want to be on that train either, and like Ms. Rasmussen, I feel we should celebrate the lives of our loved ones and not dwell on the date they left us.
Peace to all of you - Doye
It has taken me almost 7 months to work through the traumatic memories of Ben's last few weeks of his life. I am Thankful to God that his last few days were peaceful.
Now I am ready (I think) to NOT get on that anniversary train. Ben was an amazing man. He was my hero, my protector, my best friend,
my everything.....I thank God for every minute we had together. Through good times and bad times we had a wonderful marriage.
YES, I want to celebrate my Ben not have sad memories!
Thanks Doye,
Hugs......your friend, sandra
I wasn't sure what to expect on these anniversaries.. I know the first anniversary of Ben's passing, really hit me hard and having just been through the 2nd anniversary, I was hit hard again, unexpectedly.
Birthday's my children and grandchildren joined me in a lovely day of celebrating Ben's life.
Wedding anniversaries, were not overwhelming........BUT.....I've been overcome with both years of the anniversary of his passing.
You know, I really don't want to feel the intense grief, that I've
Felt during those days....and I might add it takes a few days before I can start feeling ok again.
So.......I'm not sure what will happen on the 3rd anniversary.....but you know.....If I feel sad, I just have to " feel it" and let it pass.
I know at this stage, I'm not ready to "celebrate" Ben's life on the anniversary of his death.......His birthdays are our celebration of his amazing, precious life.
I hope all that makes sense......for me, right now, it does....
Love.......Sandra