I hope you find those photos again.

My second wife died extremely suddenly from lung cancer. We didn't know she had it and it was like, talking at 11pm and she was dead by 4am. She'd stopped smoking while we were married but to an extent it was self inflicted.

Her health had been in decline for some time, some self inflicted and some inherited.

I think, with some people, they have self destructive habits that eventually catch up with them but that is a seperate thing from whether they loved us or not. I'm guessing most of them don't even see it.

I get what you are saying, shortly after she died in my anger I wrote a short piece berating my late wife for being so careless that she missed various things, some big and some small because she was no longer there.

I still put it down to carelessness, recklessness, not really paying attention, for ignoring the dangers. I don't think anyone dies to get out of a relationship.

It takes a while to sort these things out in your mind, it's good you are talking it out here.

all the best, Mark

I lost my husband to lung cancer. His cancer was small cell which Mayo Clinic told us you get this type of cancer ONLY from smoking. At the time we both smoked as soon as we had his diagnosis I quit and so did he. He used patches and nicotine inhalers and anything else he could use to beat it.
The hardest day of my life was when I discovered him smoking, A few weeks earlier I noticed that he wasn't wearing the patches anymore and congratulated him on doing so good that he didn't need them anymore. I was so angry at him, I actually thought about divorcing him. Why should I watch him die when he wasn't doing anything to prevent it himself. Why should I love him more than he loved hisself? But I didn't , I couldn't walk away from him. I didn't want to, he did keep trying but was never able to beat it. It took a long time for me to get beyond feeling that he choose smoking over our life together, our future. In fact it took meeting people here and hearing how their mates passed before I realized that when it is your time to go you go. It doesn't matter if you smoke or eat the wrong things or are wonderfully healthy and do all the right things for your body, when it is your time it is your time.
I have found peace in this knowledge and it is freeing to release the guilt for not being able to help him quit.
I hope you have a peaceful day.
Cathy

First good morning. the sun chose to rise again, even without permission.
Yes I know what you mean kinda, I watched my husband as he morphed in to the vision of cancer-chemo abstract of him.
I am a photo-taker as well as people watcher. I still have boxes and boxes of years we were together from film cameras. Of so many other people.
He was a camera dodger. There are some of groups and group fun but to let me take just pictures of him...blink, turn his head, okay that's enough. Then came the digital age, suffice it to say I had a major meltdown when my computer crashed. I lost over 5,000 pictures on my computer.There were pics of him healthy before the cancer , of us working on stuff, going to places . I had started to do some real fantastic editing with paintshop, that was half fantasy half photo. My learning process mistakes(interesting). This happened 2 months into chemo. So he had now changed. My strong healthy, fit, Marine, boxer was 25 lbs down and had lost most of the hair from treatment. Also because of the terminal diagnoses of his rare form of cancer, guess what. He now wanted me to photograph him and the process of his last months. So now I have many of him that were taken then, but so many lost that I had not moved to online storage. My heart flip flops when I see them, even the last hours are there. He wanted a photo journal...

Asbestos, radon arsenic in water, as well as other chemical factors can also cause small cell lung cancer.Though strongly increased threat comes from smoking, it is not the only way for this cancer to happen.

To be angry at losing them is what we all feel and I am no exception. I blamed myself, blamed him, and blamed God. Others add doctors, hospitals and other people. It is the only way we can rationalize our loss. How do you get past this unfairness?

We are asked to accept the unacceptabe. I know my husband loved me, and your wife loved you. It isn't anything you did or could have prevented. It happened and there is no answer. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sharon

When my husband an I got engaged, there was somethng wrong..We didn't know what, but knew something was wrong.

endless tests, and mis diagnoses later, we got a real one Liver desease. 2 Days before our marriage..I lost him 10 months to the day later.

Blamed the docs, blamed nature, blamed God, and most of all blamed myself. OVER AND OVER blamed myself for missing this or that...never once blamed him. His liver deases could have been due to drinking after his divorce years earlier..We will never know for sure. He did ALL the right things, and I helped in that..STILL lost him. I agree, that when it is your time..it's your time no matter WHAT you do or don't do.

Greg and I never had 'the talk" So focused on saving his life forgot to talk about what ifs. That haunted me. but I did get one look...one look before they intubated him that said it all. It said that we LOVED each other. It was everywhere in that room. If you think about the times with your sweet wife. The little looks, the gestures..you won't have to ask yourself "If she loved you" You'll already know....

She loved you..and still does...always will love is love and it never dies..people do...Don't question yourself. There is so much to beat yourself up with..and we find every single little reason to do it..If you KNOW in your heart you LOVED AND LOVE her..No question she felt the same...always has been and always will be..more than words.

I have a love of music and use it for every emotion i have..I listen to this when I am low. I hope it helps you too. HUGS...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9CeNo4Q7p0

My husband was a chemist, the chemicals he used were carcinaginic...Warning labels on all of them. When he got bladder cancer, docs said from smoking.....He was a chemist for 40 years. Ye, he smoked also. I never washed his clothes with our clothes, and would sterize washer after. He would get furious about it, but...did what I had to do for my kids.

He told me continiously that he wasn
t in love with me... all through marriage. So why did he stay with me? my husband has caused a lifetime of hurt toward me. I pray God will forgive him for this...

Holly was very sick with 2 diseases; diabetes & alcoholism ~
Please join Al-Anon to help you cope & to learn how the disease took her life. By now means was she weak, she fought the best she knew how ~
Al-Anon is a support group for AA spouses & families ~
In my former life I worked w/alcoholics & drug addicts ~
A person stops being an alcoholic or drug addict when they die ~
Otherwise, for them life is a continual process of recovery ~
{{{HUGS}}} It's a disease everyone struggles to understand ~

Carl Jung recommended spirituality as a cure for alcoholism and he is considered to have had an indirect role in establishing AA ~

*** I am currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too! But the possibilities are endless! ***

she wasn't an alcoholic I'm sorry I should have explained She drank herself to death by drinking diet coke's. She had complete kidney failure. yet she continued to drink them

I know my Robert loved me deeply and I him. He had lung cancer, but he became ill with Neuro problems before the lung cancer diagnosis. He tried to hold on and fight after the lung cancer diagnosis but the cancer metastisized to the brain. He was a fighter, but he could not beat that one. A few hours before he passed he squeezed my hand so tight. I know he was trying to tell me now that he he was sorry he had to leave me. I hope you find those photos. I have so many wonderful photos of Robert and videos with wonderful memories.

I AM SO SO SORRY!
I equate drinking w/alcoholism, however, it did prompt me to think about my past clients & say a prayer for them . Most are dead ~

As for diabetes, I went through a long period of denial & grief as I learned to accept my disease & mortality. None of this had anything to do w/not loving my husband or my kids enough; it was a personal experience. It was a process I had to go through to shed the fear to be able to care for myself properly ~
There is a DS Diabetes forum, you may want to read some posts to get some understanding of Holly's struggles. It is similar to the stages or our grief in that it was a daily occurence, guilt, anger, shame, loss of self worth, denial, etc ~

About your question, at 6 years out I have resolved the issue of wondering if DH loved me. I know he does otherwise he wouldn't be sending me signs all the time, can be very distracting. So much so that sometimes I have to tell him to knock it off - he gets bossy! *wink*

Widow brain makes us question their love! Arrrgh! We go through a process of proving to ourself that our belief(s) ring true in our heart. It hurt like a mutha, but I did the grief work of proving it to myself on a daily basis for years. Rationally, I knew DH loved me, at the same time, that daily process of grief sustained me throughout my years of grief; it brought healing every step of the way. I believe the raw painful emotions we feel are a catalyst to healling. If I had blown off any such meaning associated w/them, I would've missed out on the peace & happiness I enjoy today. We all grieve differently meaning we all have choices in how we want to make our loss meaningful ~
Hope this helps!

~ Bound by convictions, people tend to reach for what is easy. Here we must be unafraid of what is difficult. For all living beings in nature must unfold in their particular way and become themselves despite opposition ~ Rainier Maria Rilke ~

~I am currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too! But the possibilities are endless ~ *smile*

My husband lost his life from Agent Orange to which he was exposed iduring his service to in Vietnam. It came slowly very slowly until at the age of 60 the poison had done it's deed and he died. He had uncontrollable diabetes, Liver failure, Kidney failure and ishchemic heart disease at the end, many strokes and at least 3 heart attacks. He fought the valiant battle but it got him in the end. There is no cure for Agent Orange exposure. It could have been worse he could have had cancer from it too. We lived our lives the best we could and he loved life and me of course. We lived one day at a time and I was by his side through it all. He said he would do it all over again even the bad things because that was the fun of it.He was a good man and I loved him dearly. It's been 4 years since he died and he is still always on my mind. I have diabetes too and am fortunate that it is under control.I don't quite understand how DDiet Coke is bad for diabetes. Did she drink it constantlly?

My husband Mark was a type 1 diabetic from the time he was 13. I was well aware he was diabetic when we married (I was 18 and he was 20). He ended up with pretty much every complication from that horrible disease. Multiple eye surgeries, lost both legs, was on dialysis, arteries/veins throughout his body shot, heart attack, quadruple bypass, then finally lost the fight at 55 from pnemonia. He didn't always take the best care of himself, but the cards were stacked against him since he was a kid. When I look back, i'd rather that he enjoyed what time he was allowed on this earth than spend every waking moment thinking about everything he ate or drank, etc. I know it's incredibly hard, but try to be thankful for the time you DID have with her. I am so thankful Mark was part of my life for 36 years and I have never doubted that he loved me, and I know he never doubted my love for him, we told each other multiple times every day how much we loved and appreciated each other. I do know that when I did "harp" on him about taking care of himself, it only frustrated him or annoyed him. They have to want to take care of themselves for THEM, not for us.
Please do not doubt her love for you based on her not taking perfect care of herself, I really don't think it had anything to do with you personally, or to any lack of love for you.
Hugs to you. Andrea