Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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marysch 04/01/2014

I feel so mentally exhausted from feeling so much sadness and loneliness and fear of the future that it just gets overwhelming. The mental exhaustion makes me physically tired as well. Now I'm finding all the things I tried to do for the 9 months since my husband died are losing their meaning and purpose ...like classes at our senior college, going out with friends to lunch, movies etc. and taking a few trips with my brother and SIL and getting on the computer often. All these things that should have helped, I'm losing interest in. Nothing has meaning or joy because he is gone. It's as simple as that. I feel like I've been treading water for months and now I'm really getting tired. I'm just so weary. I sleep ok and eat fairly well, because I go out a lot, so it's not that. I don't have a lot of support, a couple of friends and my brother, but all people go back to their own lives and think you don't need their support as much as you did, because in their eyes I'm doing better. They really don't know that I'm not. Only one friend does and I'm grateful for her. If this is all there is now, well there's not much left...not much point. I wouldn't want my husband to feel the despair that I do, so for that I'm grateful it's me and not him, but on the other hand, he's the one who lost his life and had it cut short. I feel lost and I don't know how to get out of this, especially with not too much to look forward to ever. Every morning I wake up and wish that I wasn't here an that I could be with him. I do see a counselor and I attend a good hospice group, but while all of my activities take my mind off it for a little, it always comes back. I'm never free of it..sorry for rambling...really down today and yet it's Spring, sunny and pretty...he should be here too..Mary

michaelbmanning 04/01/2014

You say you feel like you are treading water. Don't be afraid to get your feet wet. There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Maybe you are not attending the right hospice group or seeing the right counselor. Just like grief, these are not one size fits all. Check out other groups and see if you can find a better fit.

Maggie

russ1153 04/01/2014

Right around nine months I hit a low again. As you noted I felt I was making progress. I think thats where the real shock and numbess start to clear and were trying to go from survival to living again. I hit it again about one year, though I feel Im starting to come around. I think this is why some say the second year is still so hard. I feel I need to fall back into the one day at a time when this happens. Because trying to look forward is just hard. Hugs to you that tomorrow is better.
Russ

MJ46 04/01/2014

The 9 month setback is evidently farly common. I experienced it too.Dr E H Neeld writes about it in her book "Finding Daylight after loss shatters your world, seven choices". I am just past one year, it is getting better for me, but like most others I am not the same person I was,but a different sadder version, trying to make the best of what time I have left. Life will never be the old normal, but It can be an acceptable new normal eventually, it is taking more time than I ever imagined, but it is happening.

livingdisengaged 04/01/2014

Mary,
Your message could have been my own. I am at 9 months and feel the same way. I have tried to stay busy also and thought I was doing okay. But the melt downs have returned. And I wonder what there is to look forward to alone also. I agree that the support people assume you are doing better and slowly disappear.
I'm not sure what the solution is other than to continue counseling and giving it more time. I read the messages from those on here who are further ahead and it gives me hope. We are all in this together. Hugs to you. From another Mary

kelleysgirl 04/01/2014

This path is like a roller coaster ride at times isn't it? Your life has changed greatly and is under construction right now. Little by little, each day, you will build anew as you find new direction and purpose. For now, be patient and gentle with yourself as you adjust; and come here as often as you need to. We do understand. We've been where you are now. Blessings always. Sharon k.

deleted_user 04/01/2014

I totally understand, Mary. I am just past the one year mark, and, in many ways, it's harder now that the numbness has worn off.. The future seems bleak, and I also ask myself what the point is. Sometimes, even when I'm having a relatively pleasant or peaceful moment, the reality suddenly comes over me like a shock-wave and, as you say, it's overwhelming and exhausting.

But I go to work and "function" as far as the world can see, so people think I'm doing better -- which makes it harder. I'm embarassed to say how I really feel. Thank goodness for this site where we can whine and lament and vent. Don't know what I would do without it.

Hugs,
DorothyJoanj

deleted_user 04/01/2014

Mary, I am at 5 months and I have talked to you before. I, along with you , cannot see a future. I'm sorry to "Buck" the system, but I think that some just love too deeply to recover from this. We will survive until our time comes, but we will never be alive again. Even though I am "new" to this, I know what my wife was to me . We keep putting one foot in front of the other and everyone thinks it is ok when it's not. We are so lost and don't want any more pain, but we have no choice. I am sure that I will be frowned upon for saying this, but like I have said before. Some wounds will never heal. Some people never recover. There is not a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. I pray that you get better as I pray for myself. I just don't want to be a person that tells you all of the good and none of the bad. I'm praying for you! Just don't give up. We can't! Lee

Katexyz123 04/02/2014

Hi Mary: I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. I am hoping it will get better but right now I just don't see that ever happening. I think to myself "is this what my life is now going to be like?" I am so lonely. I miss my husband so much. I too pretend things are getting better but they aren't . I am so afraid. I worry about finances, my children, my home. I am at the age where we were suppose to be living our life. You know the kids are pretty much grown & you have time to do things together, as husband & wife. I get angry when I see other couples getting to do this. why are they allowed & I was not. I just don't know if I can go on by myself. I'm not even sure I want to. Talk about empty nest. I just hate this empty, lonely, feeling. But you know women are strong, & we will go on. We both know our husbands would not want us to give up.

jaja27 04/02/2014

I could have written anyone of these posts. They all reflect exactly how I feel.
Janice

deleted_user 04/02/2014

I also could have written this post. I was doing great going out, exercising, working. It has been almost 9 months since my husband died. The last month I have been doing nothing but working. I do not go out, stopped exercising. I just do not feel up to it. I try but it is not working. May be now that there is nicer weather I will start again.

Veronica77 04/02/2014

I relate to this as well. Lost my partner Mike 02/11/14 of a heart attack and feel empty. Just putting one foot ahead of the other.

Myne2 04/02/2014

Like others who have commented here, I could have written this post. Yes, we get with friends (and thank goodness for them!), get into activities, and attempt to go our with our lives. Then when we do all these things, it still boils down to the void that is still there...no one to share that morning cup of coffee, discuss the day's plans, talk about what to make for supper, or discuss whether to take a quick weekend getaway. I know that I am fortunate in many ways, but these everyday things present a challenge for me. When my father died, my mother told me that she had two choices - give up or go on. She said that she would not give up. I won't either, even though it is difficult. I hope you the responses posted here are a help to you.

mardelagrimas 04/07/2014

Oh Mary, I can identify with you exactly because your words reflect my own private pain. For me, it is not of much comfort to know that I am not alone in this, and the gentleman who signs "jopva" hit it right on the head : some of us will never recover from our loss.

I signed on to this group about 1 year ago desperately looking for peace, for comfort and maybe even compassion because as you say, our surviving loved ones go on with their own lives and think we are fine. Even though I did correspond with 2 or 3 people here (mj46 for one) who were incredibly nice, I found no solace for my sorrow so I stopped logging on........but since I continue to grieve the loss of my husband 20 months ago, I decided to give the group another try.

To me, my husband is one of those people who are irreplaceable and like Mary, I really do not care much at all about tomorrow because my husband is not with me to share it. And in the midst of my sorrow, I lost my faith. Mary, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this sadness.......I feel it just like you. Ana Maria.

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