The only thing I can say is that your wife's son ultimately made his own choices in life. You can only parent for so long in terms of guidance, then life choices fall entirely in the lap of the person living that life. Your wife was only able to parent her son for so long before he chose his direction, if he chose the wrong choices, that is his choice, and nothing you or your wife could have said to him would have made any difference to the outcome of what has happened now. He chose what he wanted to do.

She would have said. He, as an infant need the security they can give him. And wouldn't you rather him being raised with both , healthy mother and father figure. And she would say, that you have so much on your plate, that this gives you the chance to find another person to share your life with, and finding her, you can include him in your family. And that he deserves every chance in life he can get. Until that time.

Have you watched the movie "Safe Haven"?

He is 15 years old. I should have mentioned how he was raised

My wife died before I found out how screwed up my step son really was. I can only imagine it would have only made my wife's life less bearable than it already was. I just have this horrible anger and sadness.

I feel myself falling in another pit. A pit of anger and sadness and am mad at everyone that played a role in my step sons life. It is not all his fault. He was never properly disciplined and never really taught any positive morale values. I tried to show him the way but was constantly criticized for my attempts to insteal my morale code.

I still care for him on a minute scale. Just seeing how he was raised in such a liberal manor infuriates me. This could have all been avoided. I wish I was more stern with everyone that had a say. I married her and I accepted the responsibility to help raise her son. I should have taken over and not let others have a say but I took the easy way out. I should have given my wife a choice, Either he follows my rules under my roof or you both can leave.

I do blame myself Because I new that he was going to be worthless as an adult. I knew that he would probably go to jail for doing something stupid.

I am glad my wife isn't alive to witness this. I love her and I always will. I may still get angry at her but I will never stop loving her

Yikes. Parenting, even with intact families is difficult. I have known some great families ( some with ministers even ) where some of their children are great, and some kids get into lots of trouble.

Perhaps you overestimate how much better you or your wife could have done. You can only try your best, and few people have Dr. Phil's skills and resources.

Fifteen is a difficult time for kids, and he just lost his mom. He is probably mad also. I would suggest counseling instead of being angry at things you can't change.

I knew exactly what he needed and even warned them that something horrible would happen if they didn't quit babying him. I never thought that he would do what he did but I knew he would do something. I practically raised my nephew and am very proud how he turned out. I do have some experience in how to raise a child. My nephew knows right from wrong because of what I taught him. My form of discipline may have included a whipping here and their but only when nesasary.

I only whipped my nephew 3 times his whole life

Oh Drew, I thought you were talking about your infant son. Sorry. When my sister died at 37, she left a 12 year old son. We all tried to get him to raise him, one of my sisters did, then his absent father found out he was getting her SS, and took him, and never let him have a penny. Until he was 18, then deserted him again. He has had a lot of relationship problems, about 8 kids, none with him.he is now about 33. He is finally trying to do something with his life. All you can do, is let him know you are there for him. If he needs you. The rest is up to him. Dr. Phil says brains aren't fully developed until age 18.

We had a couple of friends who raise their two sons with love and devotion. One turned out good and look after the father's business, the other robbed a house with his friends and went to prison. We had another friend who was in danger of hanging out with a gang. He met my husband through his then girl friend, now wife. My husband believed in him and encourage him to go to college. He did and became a software engineer. Till this day, he remembered my husband's words and how he got him his first job in the electronic industry. My point is the person has to make his own choice to choose a good path or the opposite. Sometimes a mentor can help turn a seemingly bad life around.

Who is your step-son living with now? It doesn't sound like he is with you.

15 is a very difficult age regardless of the circumstances in a kid's life. I have known couples where everything seemed to be perfect - no money issues, no abuse, loads of support and good family relations, strong faith, bright normal healthy kids - and the kids wound up going to jail. And I have known people without a pot to pea in with everything stacked against them, and the kids did just fine.

There is no way of knowing if you could have had the power to change what was going to happen. I don't think you should beat yourself up like this.

Unless your step-son committed a murder, this is probably not the end of the world, even if he is in some kind of trouble. Even in the juvenile justice system, it's possible to turn a life around.

To answer your first question, do I ever get mad at Cliff? Frequently. My husband was a man, not a god. In some respects he was a wonderful father. But in some respects he was a terrible father. It all depends on what you're talking about. If I had wanted to be married to a god, I would have become a nun. I fell in love with a man - the whole package.

It is normal to get mad and frustrated in these situations when you have lost your spouse. I am sorry you are feeling so upset. I know it's not a good feeling to have. It's good you came and vented here. It is not so much being angry at our spouses but at feeling powerless in the situation - we wish they were still here to deal with things and they aren't.

I hope your frustration lifts today.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

All good replies & advice.

Martha said "It is not so much being angry at our spouses but at feeling powerless in the situation - we wish they were still here to deal with things and they aren't". This is me to a T. I sure need his help in some things....

Don't beat yourself up Drew..It does no good and you can only do what you can do. Let him know you are there if he needs to talk & that you care about him, but that he is responsible for his actions. He is the one who has to want to change, Take care, Lu

Ok.. I am only 32, my husband was 48 and I accepted the responsibilities of raising his 2 kids. The boy is 20 now and the girl is 10, but back when we met they are 2 and 12. So I know what is to raise a teenager that is NOT yours. I love them with my life, which doesnt make any difference at times, because they will NEVER be yours. I learned, in general, with my hasbands passing, that we CAN NOT CHANGE THE PAST. Period. Getting mad, shouldve, couldve, wouldve, simply makes no difference now!!!!
However I know that there is no greater love than a love of a parent therefore to honor my husband and your wife, we have to be compassionate towards their children and love them as if they had our blood running. I know is a very hard task, but God will honor you if you just honer your wife taking care of her child. Try to approach with LOVE, try to see everything with loving eyes and always give not expecting back. Remember, this kid also has a hole in his heart. :/

drew, I'm sorry. I agree with the previous statement about kids from good families sometimes make horrible mistakes. I've even seen a kid from a horrible family be a little turd until he was 22. He was in and out of jail. At 22, he decided to join the marines. He is now in his 30s and I have a tremendous amount of respect for him. same family, another family member, in and out of jail until he was 48 years old! He is out now and has been out for the last 10 years. We can't be responsible for the bad or good choices kids make. We can suffer with them and celebrate with them. I've raised 2. Now, 20 and 21 yrs old. They are not perfect, but they are good people

Thanks all! :)

what did this kid do that was so horrible? I only want to say that when I was a kid - 12-15ish, I made some horrible mistakes. And there were people that flat out told me that I would never amount to anything....not so helpful. Not only not helpful, but down right hurtful. Kids do tend to live up to expectations. Let's just say I did manage to turn things around, of course with the help of others.