Hi Addison, I'm so sorry for your loss and all of us can understand your pain. It seems that you have been trying to do everything that you can to help yourself move forward but with the lingering crying and depressed feelings, it seems to me that you might be just that, depressed. I personally am not one for medication but I have seen how it has helped many that I know and love if administered and used properly. I think it would help greatly if you would see your doctor and let him/her know what's going on and get a full physical. It couldn't hurt at this point. I'm sure others on here that have dealt with the medications and depression will be kind enough to respond to this and offer you some suggestions.
My thoughts are with you and please hang in there...
Warm hugs,
Darcie

My sympathy to you for missing your husband and your daughter. What you are going through is the necessary path to move forward. The love that you had for your husband and daughter manifested in pain... at some point in the future, the pain will subside and survival instincts will take over. In time, you will believe you will be OK. You will be able to divert the same memory with a feeling of love instead of pain.

The author of this blog wrote this in the context with reference of the Bible, but worth a read nevertheless.
https://www.dailystrength.org/user/profile/685273/journals

Addison, I can only echo your feelings and the suggestions of Darcie & Rain. I went with some antidepressants for a couple of months a year into my "complicated" grief (been 2 & 1/2 now), and though i'm not one for meds, or the arrogant shrinks that one often has to go through to get them, they helped me enough to begin to see things beyond depression and realize those very 2 points! Wow, something outside of merely the death of my loved one to focus on for a minute?!

And indeed the memories will never leave you - the good and bad both - but there will come a time when you might find the blessing in that fact and not just the pain. Sending a prayer up for you. Hang in there. nanne

Addison, it is very hard when we have spent our entire adult, and perhaps even under-adult, lives with someone and they are suddenly gone. Words can not 'capture' how foreign our life & world now feels. WE HAVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE. I met my husband when I was 18, married at 19, and he died suddenly, 5 days before our 41st Anniversary. Our (private) family viewing was on our anniversary. How was I supposed to process that?! It was horrific.
I was standing there with the words "Till death do us part" shattering around inside my head and heart.
The one person who shared all the same memories with us is gone. NO one, not even our oldest child shared that. They can not comprehend how painful & surreal our amputation feels.
Our eldest adult kids may even distance themselves from us & our grief, when they observe this, since they had their other parent ALL their life. Is there such a thing as jealous possessiveness about grief & loss? I believe there IS. I am encountering it in my family. It multiplies a surviving spouses' pain, instead of dividing it, as healthy sharing would do amongst loved ones.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Know that you are not going crazy. Yes, depression can close in on us, adding a terribly dark impossibility to the thought of surviving this.
For one thing, most of our life is definitely behind us, and we spent it with him. Simple math can compound grief.
Like you, we endured some terrible painful things together during marriage. As well as joys.
It is extremely hard not having my other half, the one who walked through all that history together with me. We shared deep pain as well as laughter, in looking back on our life. Not "our lives", but "our life".
I can relate to "I wish God would take me".
but here we are.
...........
People say that we have weathered the hardest portion of grief. The problem in that lies wherein our most supportive of people are scattering from the tidal waves which still sweep through us.
Seriously, aren't they all so damn blessed that our convictions forbid doing anything "drastic"?
I have prayed for God to take me. I also survived the most serious illness of my whole life AFTER my husbands' death. Forgive me, but it's as if "I just won't die".
I am just hitting 2 years. The depth of darkness is a bit less, but it seems like that may be due to modern medicine having cured the illness I had, which came & went from my physical brain like dark clouds.
You will get good and realistic input here, and many soft broken hearts. Don't count on that anywhere else. People have to be living through this before they become helpful.
Just yesterday, for the date of my husbands' passing, I was hit by one of "Job's comforters" , and a painful descendants' action. I take comfort in thinking how my husband would have remarked, at home with me..
Now that I have no higher expectations of people that that they will ALL fail, except for God Himself, as well as all the wonderful members of widows forums, I am here to encourage you that there are others going through the exact same incidents and emotion.
We are a Tribe, Kinsmen, people in the same boat together. We are the family you wish you had now.
A big hug to you.
Barb.

PS, Addison, of course you know that I meant "We are the family you wish you had now" EXCEPT for your husband. THAT is "an automatic, given" in this forum.
Take care.
B.

Hi Addison. I am so sorry about the pain in your life from the loss of your husband and your daughter. I hope this website helps you to find some peace.

Sylvia

Addison I feel pretty much the way you do. It's been 13 months for me and I feel like I have come to a dead end. There's nothing left for me. There is nothing I could buy, nowhere I could go or anyone I could see that would make me happy. I also tell God to take me, that I'm finished here. I'm lonely, bored and so done with this world.

Marie44
I know exactly how you feel. There are still a couple of places I can't go into. We would always go to
church with my daughter and the two grandchildren and the we would go to Denny's for breakfast afterwards. I still can't go in there and neither can my daughter. I was Catholic all my life and now I
cannot go back to the same church. We all changed to a different church. I do have some ok days
as I am sure you must also. We have to keep trying and praying to God for his help. He is the only one that can help us. God Bless

I am not a religious man. You can most likely label me a agnostic. I too have asked to be taken from this earth many many times since my wife passed July last. All I want to do is be with her again. Of course that wish has not been granted. And I am of the belief if we harm ourselfs we don't get what we are searching for. So where does that leave us? To live out our life as whoever is really controlling this thing we call life has planed for us. We are all still here for a reason. Not a one of us knows what it is. Most of us will never know. All the same we are still here.....we are the ones left behind. I am of the belief we will be reunited with our lost loves. But not before our job here is done. Whatever that may be.

Judy, you made a good point (which I also thought of after I lost my sister(2010))-when you think about how our spouses would feel about our "left behind" lives. If THEY were the ones left behind we would want them to be healthy and do the best they could. It's called love. We wouldn't want them to hurt themselves. We would want them to suffer as little as possible, right? Yet we suffer a lot.