Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
In the 2 1/2 years since I lost my husband David, I feel like I have aged 10 years. I feel so much more physically and mostly mentally older than 54 years old.. Everytime I look in the mirror the lines on my face look alot more deeper and there are more of them, the gray hairs are more prominent. I guess I never saw them as clearly as I do now, because in David's eyes I was still the same 26yr old that he married. Sure he would joke about the gray hairs that we both were getting, we used to say that we earned them because we raised 3 kids. We never felt like an older couple. Even after being married for 25 years, he would still reach for my hand and hold it anywhere we went. He would always tell me that he just didn't love me but was still in love with me.
Its just so hard to look at myself through my eyes and not his. It sure is a different vision. In his eyes I was a strong, confident, person. In my eyes I see a sad, lost, insecure, indecisive, frustrated, older person looking back.
I know that since he has passed I have become stronger than I thought I would have, but still that image in the mirror is still there beneath the strong front I show to my family and the outside world. I believe thats where the mentally older feeling comes from. Maybe one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see the person that he saw.
Its just so hard to look at myself through my eyes and not his. It sure is a different vision. In his eyes I was a strong, confident, person. In my eyes I see a sad, lost, insecure, indecisive, frustrated, older person looking back.
I know that since he has passed I have become stronger than I thought I would have, but still that image in the mirror is still there beneath the strong front I show to my family and the outside world. I believe thats where the mentally older feeling comes from. Maybe one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see the person that he saw.
I felt similar to what you described, but I was 60 when Don died. I felt unattractive and believed that my happiness would have to be achieved in living alone. Life is full of surprises and you will find yours. Sharon
Now a mere 7 months later I look in that mirror and I see a woman of almost 57 who needs a job in a market of 20 & 30-somethings. Sharon calls it stress. I'm starting to call it fear.
But you said that in his eyes he saw a strong ,confidant woman. Well he wasn't just in love...he saw what was there. You have already said you are stronger than you knew you could be. Don't think of it as mentally older. Think of it as wisdom...
Peace & love,
Nancy
Yes, I went through everything you are saying. And now 4 years later, I can look in the mirror and see an attractive woman (when I've just come from the hairdresser). I am beginning to pick my confidence back up from the closet floor where it was hiding for so long. I am far from "mended" yet and even though the pain has dulled, I'm very lonely. Especially in the evenings.
Anyway - that's another story - just wanted to say that yes, I think most of us feel the way you do now - and we do change and find happiness one baby step at a time.
That being said, I feel much the same. I am slowly working at becoming the woman Mark always saw but I was afraid to let out. I am lucky to have a wonderful family to lean on, but when I look in the mirror one day, I want to see a relaxed Mary, not a stresses, drawn one.
Like everything else on this journey, I guess, one step at a time.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Mary
Grief changes who we are, my grief has changed me. I decided to be brave so guess what I did. I decided to change my hair color back to its original very dark color, Frank always asked me to. He would always say it was rare to see very dark haired people with blue eyes, so here I am with my dark hair and I am letting it go natural it's very curly and I would always straighten it he would beg me not to. I lost 20 pounds after Frankie passed from grief, so now I have new hair to go with it. And you know what? I feel pretty. Also I know my husband would love it, that's what really makes me feel pretty.
Maybe a sutton change for you would make you feel better. Ask yourself what would make you feel good and do one small step at a time.
He would want you to see yourself as he did but if that's difficult right now and we all understand that, maybe try something for you?
You're beautiful either way, I know he would say that to you...
You just need to FEEL beautiful.
Love and a big hug to you
Cindy
What's comforting is that we know we were loved.
It takes time to get to liking yourself and to healing. I think the grief leaves its mark on us. Some days I don't like that fact, but I am not ashamed of it either.
Be gentle with yourself, and be kind to yourself.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I always looked at my wife as being beautiful, even after she lost all her hair and her torso looked like a tic-tack-toe board from all the surgeries ( liver resection, lung resection, kidney operation ). The thing that makes you beautiful is your spirit - it warms our hearts and melts us.
At an advanced age none of us have those twenty-something features that we used to have. Give guys a little credit ( ok, not much ) that older guys have learned what might be really important.
I agree with onward that you should get some exercise and eat well and become as healthy as you can.
You ladies are way too critical of yourselves :)
Bob
I told him he has always been bald and ran as fast as I could.
I really don't think anyone, young or old, is ever happy with what we see. It is what it is. If people don't like the way I look, they can look the other way
Maggie