Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have know it for a long time. It is true! The person I was died on the same day as my husband. Just Catkin left! No Catkin and Darryl!
The loss and grief counseling course I completed many years ago stressed that the grief stricken should not make major decisions for two years.
I was certainly grief stricken. I was devastated and bereft. I still am.
As the second anniversary dawned I began to make the big changes. I sold and moved to another place in the hope that I would be able to start over. It has taken all year to do this. I can now say I really have walked away from my previous life. When I drove past the house I had lived in, with my husband and children for twenty eight years it felt surreal. It felt like I lived there a life time ago.
Now that it is all done I am still faced with the challenge of becoming someone other than that other name in a duo. I wondering who I will be, as compared to who I was.
I am interested to know what people here have done that has helped them really find themselves again.
The loss and grief counseling course I completed many years ago stressed that the grief stricken should not make major decisions for two years.
I was certainly grief stricken. I was devastated and bereft. I still am.
As the second anniversary dawned I began to make the big changes. I sold and moved to another place in the hope that I would be able to start over. It has taken all year to do this. I can now say I really have walked away from my previous life. When I drove past the house I had lived in, with my husband and children for twenty eight years it felt surreal. It felt like I lived there a life time ago.
Now that it is all done I am still faced with the challenge of becoming someone other than that other name in a duo. I wondering who I will be, as compared to who I was.
I am interested to know what people here have done that has helped them really find themselves again.
l don,t really know were the old me went,l think she also died a little when my husband died,she has been lost somewere inside all this grief and sadness,l am trying to bring her back,but l know l won,t be the same person,ever again.
When you are a couple and one dies you have to find a way,somehow to keep moving forward,we take a look at our own lives and wonder how we will ever cope,but we do cope somehow with what life we have left,we try not to half die ourselves,even though there has been times for me when l have wanted to,you know,just join him,because the pain has been so awful,but somehow over time the unbearable pain,becomes a little more bearable,you just go on.
There has in my life been many changes since my husband died.
l have found that as a person l have become more compassionate towards people,l am less judgemental,and understand people better,especially people in the same situation as myself,its only bereaved people who can understand other bereaved people,so l suppose there is a gradual change slowly taking place,but l have not been aware of it,until now.
ln January l start voluntary work at a local hospice.Because l looked after my husband at home,l want to give back and help others,who are in the same situation as he was.
Yes my life has changed,l still find l do the same things,but l don,t have that special person in my life anymore,when l came home and he was there,to just talk to,tell him about my day,his day,what he got up to,l miss the laughter that we shared.
My way forward is to help others,and hopefully in time this will help me.
lots of love
Alice xxx
You put it so well about part of us dying. What I was is gone; what I am to become is in progress. I believe this is nearly a necessity to survive our new environment. At first, I felt branded, a square peg trying to fit into round hole, a big W on my forehead. I wasn't sure how to navigate this journeyno roadmaps, plenty of advice but how to apply that advice to a life that was in distress was the challenge. Eventually, I figured out what would work for me, at least I hoped it would.
1. I evaluated where I was compared to where I wanted to be when the pain subsided. I didn't like what I saw. I needed a new compass.
2. I forced myself to be more social, taking the initiative to live, laugh, and move forward, no matter how painful. No one else could push me forward; I had to take that step on my own.
3. I immediately felt the responsibility of a healthy and positive attitude for our family dynamics. After all, don't we usually look to our elders for guidance in times of need? I began to seek guidance for that responsibility.
4. I made plans to NOT make plans for at least a year. I knew that my fear would hinder me from wise choices. I have to "chew on things" for a while. It's the way I'm wired.
5. But the most important of all: my faith. No longer was it just scripture verses, church services, tried and true friendships. It was more. I experienced on a new personal and in-depth level what it meant to lean, rely, trust, a walk by faith and not by sight. It has been an unbelievable experience to know that I am not alone. One walks with me Who holds me up when my strength is weak. His loving arms are there to comfort me when my loss is too much to bear. He sustains me when the road ahead seems hopeless.
I don't know if my experiences will be of help to others, as I know that the paths we walk can be very different. There are no perfect answers or silver bullets to avoid the ache in our hearts as we make our journey. We find what works and enhance it one hundred fold. And, by God's grace we come out on the other end of that road as a whole and an emotionally healthy individual.
Blessings to you from a friend who is also taking this unscheduled road trip! TJ
I do plan to keep doing the things that always brought me joy and peace. Going to church, spending time with my kids and grandchildren. I am going to buy a camper van so I can go camping along with family this summer as we always did. I am trying to put into place things and dreams to look forward to. This way I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I am nowhere near moving from my home to a new place. I may never be ready or want to do that and I think I am alright with that.
I think I have found some balance between the bits of Martha that existed before "Cliff and Martha" and the Martha I am now and still becoming. Accepting his loss for me also meant accepting the fact that a lot of who I grew to be over the 30 years was due to his influence. I decided I would take all the good things I could with me, and jettison the bad as best I could. The meaningful lessons learned still have meaning, they are just recorded on my soul instead of voiced by the one I lost. And that's okay.
I've had to be more fearless than before. That's been hard. I've had to be willing to go out of my comfort zone. That's been hard. I had to be willing to try. That's been hard. I had to let go of an awful lot of unwillingness - including my unwillingness to let go of the pain - that was easier to do when I realized that my life with Cliff left behind more than just pain. I think of it as pulling golden threads out of an old fabric to weave into a new tapestry.
I'm still a work in progress, and I think I always will be. But I don't mind that now.
Love and Hugs, Martha
Thank you for sharing insights gained by a personal and painful experience. Very thought-provoking, very encouraging.
Reading your reply personifies what this site is all about: sharing, caring, encouraging, learning. TJ