J - I hope I won't add to your depression by telling you that the hardest time for me was right at, and AFTER the one year anniversary of my husband's death. If you want to, and have the time, take a look at my journal, particularly the ones marked with the "bad" faces.

Quoting a book (novel) that I just finished by Pamela Duncan, a widow of one year talking with a widow of 30 years:

"Please tell me that it gets easier."

"I ain't going to lie to you. It's not that it gets a whole lot easier, but you get strong enough to stand it."

I'm right there, too. I have absolutely no advice. I am, however, starting therapy (theoretically) so we'll see. That's all I can recommend right now.

I can't imagine having to think about her and not have her with me ... for the rest of my life.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Its been 6 months for myself and it is so overwhelming with sadness/depression for myself.

I know I'm feeling more and more depressed and not sure how to pull my self out.. I guess it just TIME

My counselor says you'll never get over it you learn to move on in baby steps ~ I've tried running from it you name it ..and have finally came to the conclusion nothing but time can help and a support networking..

sorry to sound so negative but I'm speaking my heart~ I'm sorry for any one having to endure this type of pain/Depression

I find myself often thinking of what might have been. My loved one took his own life, so of course, I day dream about a number of different outcomes that could have transpired that awful day. I also think often of how things might have been maybe 6 mos or a year later on. The things we might have done together, etc. had he lived. Probably a therapist would say this is not constructive thinking--daydreaming about a different outcome, but it's what I do.

I am having such a terribly hard day today. I am crying. I went through all our CDs and put them in a small cabinet, I guess that started me off. I feel so very alone, and it doesn't help that my mother keeps telling how alone I am and need to get out there and join things and meet people. I am still recovering from major abdominal surgery and can't drive yet,I don't know what to do when I get this way I tried music but that made it worse. I just miss him and want him back so much I would do anything. Amy

P.S. from Amy, you are not alone in this I just sometimes need human contact, but the emotional support I get from this group is gratefully appreciaated.

My demise was almost 4 years ago and a troll on DS last night put something in my journal (its still there for Doug to see) that caused me go go back into deep depression and start crying again. It's those memories that make me feel so bad.

I'm not as far along as what you are so I can't really offer the advice you need. What you are going through is alot of what I'm still feeling though. Some days I can handle better than others and some days are just so awful like I just can't stand the pain. It's not as intense as it was in the beginning like you said but it's still there, hurting and throbbing. I have gone through the different scenarios of how it could have been, should have been and have to almost shake myself and tell myself that's not going to help make things any better. I have to get up, make myself move or call someone and believe me the list of available listeners is not very long. But there is one person I can definitely count on to just listen and cry with me if I need it.
I don't know what the answers are to getting through this, all I can do is count on getting through one day at a time and hope eventually, just as it is not as intense as it once was, that in time, it will get even less intense, little by little. I try to look at it as - is it really getting less intense or am I really just getting stronger, strong enough to cope with it as time goes by? I guess it's sort of the difference between seeing the glass as half full as opposed to seeing it as half empty. If I see the situation as me getting stronger that gives me the courage and the fortitude to make it through yet another day, another week, another month and can only hope with all my might that one day I'm going to turn around and look at where I've been and say to myself, "Was that the road I thought I would never make it to the end of?" Everyone's grief is so individual and personal as are the ways that we find to get through it. The common thread that we all share is being there for each other when we start to doubt our abilities to make it to the end of the road. When I'm feeling weary, like I just can't take one more step, I come here and get the support I need then I pick myself up and try again and again and again. I hope you're finding that help and support with the rest of us because that's what we're all here for. I hate it when you're feeling so down and depressed and lonely and hope and pray that you're finding some comfort in the love and support we offer you. I know it doesn't take away your pain but if in some small way we can help...I hope that's what we are doing. God bless you, Judi

Today has been very painful for me, too. Today is our anniversary; married 29 years, together 31 years. And tomorrow will be the 10-month mark of losing him. Not long ago, I was wondering why it seemed to be getting harder to deal with; I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, but every day, I found more ways to miss him and I couldn't stop crying. Then I realized, maybe it's because I've been enduring this pain for so long now, night and day, with no relief and it has worn down my strength and makes it seem harder because I'm weaker now. We just have to keep believing that one day it will get easier. My heart goes out to everyone else here, this is such a painful journey. Hugs to everyone.

What is it about today? I am having a bad setback. I cried for the first time in weeks. Ithought I was getting better, but I have regressed. I am so sad and depressed. Is it just a bad Friday?

It has been 10 1/2 months since my husband passed away and I too am finding it very hard to deal with again - I feel like I am back to the very beginning. I am also beginning to think that it is because the actual realization is totally setting in. I miss my husband more and more each day. From reading the replies, it seems that the 1 year mark (or close to it) it a very hard and emotional time. I also keep thinking "what am I going to do without him". I really don't have any advice to offer, but it does seem that what we are experiencing is a "normal" part of grieving.

J, I'm just passed the 12 month mark and I'm struggling too. Somehow it seems more real now, the blanket of shock has gone.

Like you I am wondering if it goes on like this forever. You think that after the anniversary it should get a bit easier. In some ways it has but of course after the anniversary that I was dreading, the major source of unhappiness is still there.

When we are young, we imagine that we have actually experienced death as a major event if you we lose a grandparent or Great-Aunt Mildred who was 94.

But it's not the same as losing someone who you wanted to spend every minute of the rest of your life with - a spouse. It's not the same as losing your child, who is a part of YOU, that you thought would be in your life always.

Then, it's more like (as I've heard it described) open heart surgery without anesthesia, drugs, or medical help. It's like the best half of yourself has just vanished. And it takes a very long time, gallons and gallons of tears, before the true concept of NEVER EVER coming back to even seem real.

With so many other disappointments in life, there is always the hope of "maybe next time." Didn't get that great job? Maybe there's a better one around the corner. Boyfriend dumped you? Maybe he'll be sorry and come back begging. Or maybe there's a better guy coming up. Car got reposessed? Save some money and get a better car. Broke your leg? Ha! Inconvenient, but 6 weeks and you'll be good as new.

Death is so final, so absolute, so FOREVER, that it takes a long time to adjust to that fact. And it's the hardest thing any of us will ever have to do.

We touch what our spouse touched and the first thought is "He/she will never touch that again. He/she will NEVER ___(fill in the blank) again. And your heart breaks all over again, like it was the first day.

We look at a 5 year playing and think "My three-year-old never got to do that, and he/she never will." Big things, little things, Anything and Everything, trigger those thoughts. Buying or not buying his/her favorite cereal can bring a flood of tears. Then you finally have a day where you feel a tiny bit better, you went three whole hours without crying, and you start to feel guilty! "Does this mean I didn't really love him/her? I haven't cried since noon - I laughed at that joke. How could I laugh at anything when my ___ is DEAD??!! Dead FOREVER!!"

The heartbreak is the same, I think, whether the death was sudden and unexpected, or whether there was an illness that ended in death. When the person who is gone is one who was "supposed" to be with you always, you can drown in the "coulda - shoulda - woulda's". "If I had only known..... If I had just done this, or not done that" haunts and tortures us.

No matter how much we think we are logical, intelligent people who know and understand death, no one can imagine the turmoil, the pain, the confusion, the pain, the sorrow, the pain, the pain, the pain, until the time when it comes to you. And it comes to stay FOREVER.

Thank you so much for your insightful views about the after affects of loss, especially to jd1982 who so accurately captured my and others feelings about what death "feels" like for those left behind.

Yes, the suffering, it is very freightening, it seems like it will never end, and maybe it won't. After a year, I know that the pain will always be there, but I'm not sure to what intensity as time moves forward.

Also yes, people just don't understand the pain of losing a spouse/partner until it happens to them. It is NOT like breaking your leg or replacing material things.

The person who was loved will never be replaced. Day to day, we are constantly reminded of the little things we cannot share now that he or she is gone.

Although I know we will be reunited in the afterlife, having spiritual experiences is not the same as having them here physically. In one word, it's terrible.

It leaves me with a sickening bittersweet feeling inside. It always ends up with us always asking why, why, why, why, why? Why does a beautiful and so special relationship have to end, at least physically, because that is all we really know right now.