Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Its been six years since my husband's death, and two years after he died, I had dated a man who was definitely not for me. However, he became violent towards me and I've been upset about my judgment, my circumstances, and fearful, given that I have two children to raise. This happened two years ago, and I told the guy that I would not press charges if he got counseling - which he agreed to. Now, after finishing up my degree and trying to become social again, he's still in the same social group I met him in and engaged - without, of course, getting counseling. Its too late to file charges, and when complained to him, I got threatened with harassment charges against me.
After being widowed, everything has been shot - my confidence, my self-esteem, and just tired from raising my kids on my own. Is there any good book on easing back into social life in a safe way? I'm so sad, and my oldest son feels terrible for this happening to me (he's 17).
After being widowed, everything has been shot - my confidence, my self-esteem, and just tired from raising my kids on my own. Is there any good book on easing back into social life in a safe way? I'm so sad, and my oldest son feels terrible for this happening to me (he's 17).
I found this interesting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=JNCM0C4OvZs
What you do with the experience, how you let it impact you, however, is entirely in your hands. My best advice for you is to get counseling to work through this. I think it would help you to understand that you are not a bad person or whatever, that you should not be ashamed of what happened, or let it make you so fearful that you deny yourself the joys of friendship, companionship, and possibly love and all that goes with it. That is like letting him victimize you over and over.
I am a rape survivor, and have had a couple of abusive relationships. One of my sisters is also a rape survivor and had a couple of abusive relationships. I had therapy, she did not. She is still stuck in her dark place of victimhood many years later, and an alcoholic. I am remarried, happy, my sons are fine. I think that we are a classic example of the good that therapy can do in situations like this, because I could have been her and vice-versa. I refused to let those events in my life prevent me from being a happy and whole person. And I guess the lessons I learned through all of that helped me through my grief, too.
I can recommend some books for you, too, although I think they should be secondary to your consulting with a counselor. One that was helpful for self-esteem issues for me was "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw. Bradshaw did a whole series on PBS years ago, you may be able to find the shows on DVD at your library, too. Another would be "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I don't know if that one would really address your issues or not, but it has helped a lot of women make healthier choices in relationships and rebuild their own independence and self-esteem.
It sounds like you are ready for a different social group. You might check out meetup.com for groups in your area. A lot of widows/widowers here have had good success that way.
You are a good person who had something bad happen to them. You can come back from the experience, and live a full and happy life. Don't give up.
Love and Big Hugs,
Martha