Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Here's the thing. My child is a whole lot spoiled from all aspects. She is the only child from me and her dad. The only grandchild for my mom and his mom. She is the only girl grandchild for my dad. So she is totally spoiled. I have cut back on disciplining her to an extent because she is only 4 and is having to deal with the loss of her dad. She was with him everyday while I worked and now she doesn't have that. A lot of things she normally wouldn't get away with she is getting away with now. On my end it is because i feel as though she is going through enough without being punished for what she is doing wrong. But she is smart so she knows when I am about to pop her she'll say well mama I really miss my daddy.
Yesterday during dinner with his family she is outside playing water guns with her Aunt husband. He comes in and says she shot herself and said imma do this so I can be dead like my daddy. That hurt me so bad. When I talked to her she said her daddy wants her with him. I explained that he doesn't want her to be dead. He wants her to stay with mommy and go to school and grow up to be a good girl that he can be proud of. To add on to that she cries now when she can't get her way and uses her dad as an excuse.
My dilemma I understand what she is going through so I let a lot of things slide but at the same time I don't want her to get into the habit of doing things because she knows I am playing on the fact that she is already dealing with too much at her age, but being a bad and disrespectful child is not an option at all!!
Also, lately she has been talking to him alot. She says things like you can't tell me what to do. Daddy said he the boss of me and not you. She tells me that is tired from working all day. He wants us to hurry and get home because he tired of being there by himself (he was cremated and we have the urn). So I am just lost on how to deal with this. Her therapist is going to fit her in today at 6 so hopefully we can get her to open up some more. I also have my prayer warriors on deck. Sorry so long
Yesterday during dinner with his family she is outside playing water guns with her Aunt husband. He comes in and says she shot herself and said imma do this so I can be dead like my daddy. That hurt me so bad. When I talked to her she said her daddy wants her with him. I explained that he doesn't want her to be dead. He wants her to stay with mommy and go to school and grow up to be a good girl that he can be proud of. To add on to that she cries now when she can't get her way and uses her dad as an excuse.
My dilemma I understand what she is going through so I let a lot of things slide but at the same time I don't want her to get into the habit of doing things because she knows I am playing on the fact that she is already dealing with too much at her age, but being a bad and disrespectful child is not an option at all!!
Also, lately she has been talking to him alot. She says things like you can't tell me what to do. Daddy said he the boss of me and not you. She tells me that is tired from working all day. He wants us to hurry and get home because he tired of being there by himself (he was cremated and we have the urn). So I am just lost on how to deal with this. Her therapist is going to fit her in today at 6 so hopefully we can get her to open up some more. I also have my prayer warriors on deck. Sorry so long
My thoughts and prayers are with you --Alice
From the perspective of someone in a very similar position I would say to stick to the discipline, regardless of how hard it might feel. That's the approached I took and I made sure any cargivers (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. did the same). I didn't want her to think that she could act differently just because her mother died. I noticed the 'I miss mommy' come out more often when I was disciplining her. I would acknowledge that I knew she missed her but would then say something like 'do you think she would like you acting like this?' Surprisingly that never made her sadder because she knew she wouldn't put up with it either. It's rare that she speaks sadly about missing her mother (until recently that is). She usually is recalling the memories she has or making up stories that include her mother. It's amazing and it helps me as well.
I definitely felt guilty at times with the discipline under the circumstances but I knew it was necessary. And that got reinforced to me by others. I have been told that kids look for and expect those boundaries from their parents. And in the end it helps form a tighter bond because it lets them know that you are there to help and protect them. I completely agree with this.
That's all. I'm not trying to judge you in any way, just the thoughts of someone in a similar spot.
I do now really see that she is not completely understanding how to deal with things because when we got home she said i don't miss my daddy anymore because I talked to Mrs. Cassie and now I don't miss him anymore. But I have been talking more to her about her feelings and I am having a memory bear made with one of his shirts. And there is a picture of him in the shirt with her sitting on his lap that I want added to the foot of it. I think that will help her because she has been asking for a "doll" for him. I am so excited to see it.