So sorry to hear such a tragic story. Welcome all the same, and many here will listen and share your pain.

P.S. I confess to pondering suicide, but am not able to get past the "passing on the pain" dilemma"

As for the new normal I think that takes time to figure out. I struggle with the isolation and being alone. Some days aren't so bad but the next may be. I have started to realize that it will be that way for a while . One day the better days will out way the bad ones. Please ,although I know it is hard don't blame yourself. Addiction is so hard on everyone. You have come to a good place. We are here for you. Stories may be different but the pain is the same. Welcome and know you are not alone.

Ria, you're are carrying so much pain. The trifecta of Trauma, Grief and Guilt can be more than a soul can bear. Please seek out whatever help you need to remove Guilt from your load.
There are members here who, like you, had the pain passed on to them. I know that you can find each other. And those of us who share the burdens of Trauma and Grief are here for you as well. Things can and do get easier when we share. I'm glad you found us.

I'm so sorry. Hugs, Dolores

Hi Ria, I'm Scott. Maybe some of my history can offer you a different perspective. On May 18, I will have 20 years of sobriety. I started drinking when I was 14, Drank heavily from age 16 until age 40. Until I stopped drinking, I don't think my wife really knew how sick I was, nor how much I drank. And please comprehend that there was absolutely nothing she could have said or done that would have convinced me to stop drinking. She did not approve of my drinking, and I was content to just stay up late after she went to bed, drink alone until I was ready to pass out, and then stumble into bed. At the time I stopped drinking, and based on my blood work, I probably had about 5 years left of a functioning liver remaining. And I did not care. Such is the disease of addiction (I term it the demon of addiction). I spent 2 years attending NA meetings every day, working the steps, staying sober. Through it all, I had a loving wife. But she was powerless to help me. Don't kid yourself, alcoholics are no less an addict than a meth, heroin or cocaine user. The only difference between all addicts is their drug of choice. Some drugs like alcohol take many years to kill us. Other drugs hasten death like speeding freight train. There is no logic to any of it. All addicts are simply and unknowingly self-medicating in a failed effort to numb an undefined and undetermined pain within themselves. Through my recovery, I learned that I had to identify the underlying reason I drank in the first place, and then I had to address it. My pain was locked up, hidden from myself and others, and I could not heal myself. It wasn't until I turned to God with all my heart that He could deliver me. And only He could provide me with the key to unlock myself from the dark, lonely prison cell I had built in my heart. No doubt you would have done anything to save your husband, I know my wife would have. But there was absolutely nothing she could have done to have saved me. My drinking was a slow-motion suicide. And I can well imagine that had I not stopped drinking, my end would have been no different from your husbands. Yes, my pain was that great. And once you reach that point, the only thing that matters is ending the pain. And suicide becomes the only solution in the irrational thoughts of an addict. Understand that you had no part in your husband's death. He had no ability to see any other escape from whatever his pain was. All a loving spouse can do is watch helplessly. Let go of your guilt. It is not your fault. Not really even his fault. It is so sad, because we know he had other options. But there is not one suicide victim that is in their right mind when they kill themselves. I know it is hard, and I can not even begin to comprehend your pain. But just like my inner pain that caused me to drink myself into a coma those many years, it just is not your fault. It never is. May the God whose peace surpasses all understanding wrap His loving arms around you and give you comfort in this your time of need. Scott

Ria,my husband also committed suicide, we were married over 40years. It's been 4months on the 8th of this month. I also have no one to talk to,but the people on this site are very supportive. The emotions of our experience are familiar and different at the same time. Most importantly is to understand that you are not responsible for what he did. He alone is responsible for his actions. There will be a lot of would of,could of, should of. I have turned from a strong woman to a scared little girl in the last 4months. I am trying to get back to the strong woman I was. The same will happen with you once you start to forgive yourself. I'm staying in the house too, not easy! Depressed and anxious has become my new normal. Crying alot too, grieving stinks but it must happen when you love someone. Express yourself here,and grieve in your own way.

Losing your husband is big enough. Please don't make it worse by putting guilt into the equation. You didn't do anything wrong. He is no longer suffering. And we are here for you to help with your suffering. No matter how he left this world, he is gone and I know how rough that is.

Ria, look at the situation this way: With your husband's death your misery is over. It may sound cruel, but it's true. You are better off without him, sister. My first husband was an alcoholic and died early at 45 y.o. (not to suicide though). Living with an alcoholic is hell, hell, hell. Your husband freed himself from suffering - and not for you to suffer, believe me.
Is there a counseling accessible to you? or any support groups in your area?
Also, did you think of taking in a tenant - to avoid loneliness in the house?
H-U-G,
babochka

Scott, thanks so much for giving us an insight into this topic and a former insider's view which we all appreciate. Just spent two weeks with my alcoholic dad. He started at the age of 14 and has been drinking for 52 years and counting...What a journey it has been with him...