I'm sorry for all that you and your family have been through. I know that everyone is different in grief, so if you instinct is telling you to "get away" then try to honor that if possible. My instincts told me to keep on working as a way to regain normalcy when I lost my wonderful husband very suddenly in Oct. 2014. But the fact that you have been a caregiver for so long while your wife battled cancer really makes the "get away" seem necessary -- just to reset yourself and family and begin again. Best wishes on this very difficult struggle.

Hi Billbu. I recently decided to go on 2-trips. Our first we went to a game reserve. We'd done that together about a year and a half ago, we always loved and spent time in the Bush. I thought it would help me deal with making decisions on my own. I even learnt to barbecue on my own for the very first time. But it was also one of my lowest points. I have to admit that the kids and I really bonded. We could feel that we can possibly have a hope of a life, a future even without Dad. Although it was our first time that we'd been to that particular reserve, I still looked for him there. That hit me really hard. I realized I am never going to stop looking for him. Never going to stop wanting to share memories with him.
Then we went on a trip to our old hometown. I HATED it. I was so depressed! I could hardly wait to get out. But I realized that we'd both hated it so it wasn't the memories that were hard. I realized that we'd been in the best place we could be at the end. During the trip at some places of deep memories I could say goodbye. At others I promised not to leave him behind. But I realized that the whole trip was to make sure he wasn't lost somewhere in our past and that he couldn't find his way home. That too was hard. At the same time I was able to breach the gap that I had found in my soul between the person I had been before I met Mark and the person I was with him and now being without him again. I felt disconnected. And the trip allowed me to bring the different parts of me together.
Conclusion: a trip can be very healing. I would definitely go again if I had to do it over. But don't think it's easy. You don't leave your pain behind. It comes with you... But I am eternally grateful for the kids sake. My littlest one stopped crying everyday and got excited again.
Love your kids. They need much more love now. Take care. Xx

Marylou left this life June 12th of last year...I went back to work 1-1/2 weeks later, as an over-the-road trucker...about a month-1/2 later, our mortgage life insurance came in, but I stayed on the job, I really didn't know why at the time...I had made Marylou a final promise on the "day of", that I would look after our girls and grandkids, which required me to eventually relocate out west, about a 1200-mile move...I had to do everything myself, and the job just wasn't allowing the time I needed.
By Halloween I came to the realization that the only reason I stayed working that long, was because I was desperate to hold onto anything that was like-it-was, before June-12...but that it was holding me back from the promise I made Marylou...on November 1st I quit my job, living off the life insurance and since have been
spending all my time getting the move west underway.
This week the sale of our home may be final, which will be the last barrier to the move west, and the beginning of my ability to keep my promise to Marylou.
It isn't always easy to stay focused...sometimes you have triggers that tear you apart, like two weeks ago when I dismantled the bedroom Marylou and I shared for over 22 years...that totally sucks, but there's no getting around it.
The promise I made Marylou gives me a reason to stay focused...
and the ultimate goal is to do the best I can while I'm here, so that we will share eternity together on the other side.

Hi Billbu -

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain and suffering of
your wife before she passed. I am at slightly over 8 months
since my wife suddenly passed from a heart attack after
30+ years together.

You will l hear it a lot in this sight but everyone handles in
differently. There is no uniformity as it varies from person to
person depending upon whether small children are involved
or the nature of the circumstances of losing the loved one
or perhaps promises that were made when the loved one
as still here.

I had lost a number of loved ones, friends, neighbors and
business associates over many years but, to be honest, I
really didn't know grief. I had kind of disassociated myself
from grief and, after a great deal of thought, I think it went
back to my military days during Vietnam.

The loss of my wife produced grief and a level of pain that
I did not know existed in this world. The " grief process " has
been very strange to me as it began with shock and moved
to reality and acceptance keeps making an appearance. The
one thing I have learned over the past 8 months is not to
make any complicated decisions as my brain does not seem
to be operating at full speed. My brain is battered and bruised
as I continue to process what has happened to turn my life
upside down.

You mention a problem with staying motivated. For the first
time in my life, I am without motivation. I understand that as
it is sort of like, " What is the point ? ". Then, I think about
what she would want me to do and that seems to move me
in the right direction. I don't think about tomorrow or next
week or next month. I guess I am just taking it one day at a
time as my reason(s) for planning anything is gone.

But, as I stated above, the situation is different for each of
us. I suspect you will know what you need to do when you
reach certain points in this dark road of grief.

You are in my thoughts.

Darrell in Texas

After my husband's service I was anxious to go to a favorite vacation place I visited often. I went a few weeks later and I felt I would feel better. It was too soon and I returned home to settle the necessities I was trying to avoid. I returned to my special place a few months later and it was refreshing to have the change. Planning your trip with your children sounds wonderful. It can be a special time for all of you.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope being here brings you comfort and support. I lost my husband in 2007 to lung cancer and this site was a life line for me. I remain now with cliffskat and marjoe as community leaders to help others along their way to living again. Sharon

Time away is not a bad thing. I am hoping to go away if only for a weekend. My wife passed last August suddenly. I'm also looking at moving soon to change my environment. She is in her new life so anything I try to hold onto here is pointless. She isn't coming back. Lyn would want this for me anyway. But the main thing is that each person has to do what ever is best for them. And that is different for all. I think you have to give your mind a feelings a vacation sometimes.
Take care.
Peace, Tim

Wow Tim Now there's a thought! I want my mind to take a thinking vacation and my heart to take a feeling vacation. Other than booze or drugs how the hell do I do that?

Biilbu, I am sorry for your loss. Your pain is so raw right now. My beautiful wife died on Feb 13th 2015 but although the, what I call, "grief episodes" are not as intense or as long they are always just under the surface and can hit me at any given time still after nearly 15 months.
A few months after my Amy's death I reluctantly took a motorcycle trip from Denver to San Diego with a good brother of mine. It was at the same time cathartic and bitter sweet. I spread some of her ashes at beautiful spots at the Grand Canyon and cliffs in San Diego. She rode her own Harley and would always be by my side or in my right mirror so I felt she was with me on this special trip.
I screamed my head off and rode through tears in the middle of the Mojave desert and in the middle of Utah where no one could hear the pain of my grief.
It was a tough ride but I am so glad I took that trip in her honor.
I hope you find peace and we are all here for you. ~Pete

Thanks everyone for you suggestions and support. It is so good to hear from each one of you. What a curve ball life has thrown us all, blessings and prayers for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. Hope you find comfort whereever you can. We are all here for you. Take care of yourself. Carol-Ann

I made a big decision not to return to work...I only worked part-time as a nurse, but now I'm opting to only work 1-2 days every six weeks. You come to realize when something like this happens that life is short and there are more important things to do...spend time with family, travel to places that are on your bucket list, volunteer for local charities. I am also going to work on my house as I would like to sell it in 2-3 years and live somewhere totally unexpected. I don't have any minor children, just one daughter, so I plan on following her to wherever she may end up after college...or wait until she's married so I can help take care of the grandchildren....make your decisions based on what's best for you and your children....as I know you will

Always Sue

Bill, there's nothing wrong with "chasing rainbows!"

My most favorite thing to do was go for rides with Morey. We would talk, snack, hold hands and share some of our most favorite memories while doing what we loved doing most of all......being with each other.

Not having him to share my world with me now is the most painful journey I've ever been on! Everything triggers a tear; someone who looks like him, seeing a beautiful sunset, a giant tree or a lovely flower.....so many things remind me of how much we loved in nature and how I MUST see these things on my own now!

Although some of our memories are of our loved ones suffering there are the one's that we shared filled with joy and happiness. I try and keep those closest in my mind.

GO, ENJOY your children and this time together. You're making more memories filled with laughter that they can keep close and will help them to push away the sadness.

There's lots of time to deal with what has to be done later!!!!

Roz

Roz, it is funny that you mention that you had to start seeing things on your own. In the few weeks after Mark died I took the kids on a horseback safari. And the whole time I kept thinking of scenes that I was going to describe to him when we got home. He'd been bedridden for a long time so I had gotten used to telling him about my day or somewhere the kids and I had gone for the day. That's when I realized how much I had gotten used to seeing the world through his eyes so that I could share it with him. I'd stopped seeing things that I would have focused on for my enjoyment. I had to find myself in the strangest way. I never felt more lost. But it was the most beautiful experience I could have had to view the world for him, with him, with love. Xx