Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm at 4 months and I feel I need to make an effort to move forward, since there is no moving back, and staying where I am is exhausting mentally and physically. But it all seems so hard. I signed up for a local over 40 social group and once they sent me emails for "meet-ups" I just feel like I can't do it. This isn't to "meet" someone, just to have a mixed group to do things with, but it doesn't feel right not being with my wife. Not sure if I'm trying to move to fast, but it's something I will need to do at some point. I've been looking for just the right outing, small group, outside, be able to leave when I want etc. Has anyone else in this time frame started to do social things with people they didn't know? I know I need to have new friends as all of "our" friends are married couples.
Blessings, Russ
Blessings, Russ
Soon after my husband passed I joined a griefshare group, which also lead me to widow/widower lunches. But that didn't really work out. I tried to keep very active right away. I think it helped me get through the very hard beginning.
Do it, get out there and meet people. We are still in a numb stage at 4 months or at least I was. Do all you can, things will change as you go on this journey.
I can share my experience. Like you I knew that there wasn't anything that I could do but move forward. I did the exact same thing as you did but I forced myself to go. Didn't want to but I did and I'm so glad I did. I did that at four months too. I am made some friends and enjoy doing things I probably otherwise wouldn't have done.
A word of advice though, for the most part you are going to find people there who are mostly divorced, separated, etc...and they truly don't know how to deal with a widow/widower. So just try to understand, they will say they are sorry for your loss if they even acknowledge it at all but b/c of their circumstances they really don't know what to say. I only know this b/c now I am good friends with four of the girls and they shared that with me, that they really liked me at first but felt awkward and didn't know what to say. So expect that, and just enjoy the new experiences. You will meet people and have somewhat of a good time. There are still times when I'm out with a group and a song comes on somewhere or its a place that we had eaten before, it breaks my heart and not a single minute of each day isn't consumed with my thoughts of my husband but I know there is no choice so I just keep on pushing and at least now I have something to do with the empty hours. Hope this helps, let me know if you go and if I can help you with any other issues you might deal with. Good luck !!!
Most of the MeetUps I joined are some activity oriented - Walking, Movie, or Business type. So, there is not much seating across the table and talking. I like that, and enjoy getting out with a group.
In other social situation, I usually prepare an exit strategy, schedule something else right after the meeting, so I have an excuse to leave. Overstaying and talking too much with the people who are not sharing much with me, can lead to feeling lonelier inside. Keep it simple.
But it is healthy overall to know that you have place to go and things to do with new people.
Good luck,
Let us know how it goes!
Peace and all good things to you, Russ.
Jackie
Jackie, you made me chuckle, thank you for that. I really needed that.....
Russ, like you I have started to want to expand my social circle at around 4 months. A bit of an effort at first. I joined a Meet Up group, A debating group, locally. I went to my first meeting on 14 July. I was apprehensive before going and thought what if I don't like it? I had prepared a plausible excuse plan B - of late, I am good at contingency planning. There were about 7 of us, all ages, sexes and background and I loved it. Of course I love to talk and as my husband would have said, this is right up my street. I did not feel uncomfortable, it was a good afternoon for me anyway so I did not have to make my excuses.
Like you, I am not looking for a date, just want to branch out a bit. Next week, I am planning to attend a lunch organised by the over 50s group. They organise a whole range of activities and I will attend their theatre outings also. I will see how the lunch goes and how I feel. I do not commit myself fully and always have plan B if things turn out uncomfortable. Usually, I do not say I am a widow, unless asked outright.
I am sure you will enjoy going out a bit but be prepared to make your excuses, if you do not feel it is right for you. However, in the long run, I feel it will be beneficial.