After loosing my wife in early August, I joined this forum at the urging of a close friend who thought it might be beneficial for me to seek out a support group.  The thing that immediately struck me as I browsed the posts was how many of us there really are.  Sometimes it seems as though I'm the only one on the planet going through this right now, but as I read, I realize I'm really not in this alone.  I'm still not sure if this forum is precisely the right place for me, but I'll continue to peruse the posts and write and comment when I feel compelled to do so.  Actually, I started a blog shortly before my wife passed and sometimes posting there seems to do me as much good as anything.  Sometimes it's raw and honest and other times it's a little more lighthearted.  It's funny the variety of things we all do to get through this strange new situation we find ourselves in.  I've pasted yesterdays entry below.  If anyone is interested in reading further, the blog can be found at: rlewrites.blogspot.com

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So today is the last day of October.  Traditionally for us, October 31st marks not only one of the biggest feel good holidays of the season for my girls, it also signifies the end of another "work year."  Typically, by this time, most of the clean up work is done and I'm anxiously anticipating abbreviated work days, crackling fires in the fireplace, reading a few good books, and long cozy evenings either watching TV or hacking away at one of my various writing projects.  But this year..yea..wow...this year is sure going to be a whole lot different.  

Obviously, after the worst summer of my life, my work kind of went to hell in a handbag there for a while, but miraculously, I've somehow regained my equilibrium and have slowly tied in to catching up.  This is probably a good thing, because aside from the girls, it gives me a purpose, something else to focus my time and energy on.   As I've completed one task and moved on to the next, I find myself working at a slower pace than usual.  Part of me attributes it to age, but then I think part of me is afraid of what will happen when I run out of legitimate things to do.  What will my mind focus on when my hands become idle?

As the days grow shorter and colder, I know my thoughts will turn to the holidays, Renee's favorite time of year.  And, I already know if it weren't for the girls, I'd let the hype that builds with the season come and go without a passing thought.  But, since that isn't really a viable option, I will endure the best way I can.  I'll some how find a way to make it through Thanksgiving, our wedding anniversary, and Christmas, with that painted on smile I've become so good at.  I'll go through all the motions, the shopping, trimming the tree, attending the family dinners, and putting together all of the new gizmo's and gadgets, all the while with a burden on my heart that so few people truly understand.  I'll make it through because these days, that's the only real option I have.

After the decorations are packed away, the new gizmo's and gadgets are no longer new, and the sharp winds of winter usher in a new year, I'll find myself with a new set of hurdles to clear.  First on the list will be Valentines Day, not a holiday we ever made a lot of fuss over in the first place, but I'm sure this one will have a lot more impact than all of the ones in the past combined.  Next comes her birthday then finally, the most difficult of all, the graduation of our oldest daughter.  So many things we'd ordinarily look forward to together, all marred by an empty seat where she should be.  

I suppose as many have said, eventually this gets easier.  My guess is, that each passing year the sting of her absence will fade and we'll all begin to have things to truly look forward to again.  Until then, we'll endure each day, face all of those "firsts" as they come, and clear all of those hurdles one at a time.