Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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widow46 07/22/2017

My wife and I had many discussions about continuing on without her. She was very pro-me dating afterwards when I felt ready, She said I deserved to be happy and should be happy. Being happy with someone else would not be forgetting her. But I need to be happy for me she said. I hated listending to her say that and was tough. She had a 4 year battle with an agressive rare cancer and the year before she passed was very hard on her. She passed away early April. I am 46 and we were happily married for 16 1/2 years when she passed in early April 2017. In the prime of our relationship and felt like newlyweds each year we were married. However, when i mention to family or friends they look at me in dissapointment and I fear they will judge me if I opt to start dating. Not looking to get re-marreid of course but to date again. Anyone else in my dilemna? is is too soon to date after 3 months? Is this normal for me to feel this and too soon? Help... its driving me cray trying to do whats right. BTW my kids aged 14 and 12 are all for me dating as I found my wife taslked to them as well about me moving on. My 12 year old daughter actually asked if me the other day, if i was dating yet and i said no.. why? if I do.. are you ok with me dating? She said yes Dad... we want you to be happy and I done want you to be alone. I creid at thsat moment and my 14 yr old son stepped forward and said.. yes dad its ok.... you need to be happy.

Remiah 07/22/2017

Hi,

All is true and I cry for your happiness as well. What a wonderful wife and your children are well-raised. Your wife was very wise and loving to discuss this matter with all of you ahead of time, and I know that it was not easy for her. I am very sad that she is gone so soon.

Please understand that this is a grieving process for all of those who loved your wife, so frowns and words of criticism may come from those caring to share in your hurt and pain. Yet you had discussed these times way ahead of the moment with your beautiful wife. So I beg you to not develop a habit of care for what others say, unless it is encouraging you to listen and useful to comfort your sensitive emotions. Otherwise, you may be slipping away into guilt and shame. Your sweet wife does not want that way for you. Have deeper joy with life and this will please the kind soul of your wife, and it is her last earthly gift to you and your children; and that is so unselfish of her; somewhat of a miracle too.

Best to you,

Remiah

widow46 07/22/2017

Thank you Remiah!!!

Remiah 07/23/2017

You are so welcome! Anytime.

pattiameo 07/23/2017

It is not too soon for you to date. There is no set of rules or a schedule to grieve by, and we all move on at our own pace. My 40-year-old nephew began dating a year after losing his wife, and the change in him is wonderful to see. The new happiness I see in him carries through to his relationship with his 5-year-old twins, which in turn, helps them cope as well.

As for myself, I met the man of my dreams 4 months ago. He is also a widower. I had no idea I could be this happy, and I believe that all of us here can find love again.

Take care,
Patti

widow46 07/23/2017

Thank you so much Patti!! Your words of support are so helpful!!

LovingFather2017 07/23/2017

Friend I'm in a pretty similar boat with you, my wife battled a year and a half, with a rare aggressive cancer. She passed away 6/15/17. Because as a family we talked about what life would be like when "mommy goes to heaven" my 7 year old stated the night of my wife's funeral "dad you can just get married again then we would a new mom" I explained to her there is a bit more to it than that,but if or when we would make that decision pray fully and as a family. I also know what you mean by her family looks at you like you weird when you are going to change anything about life. Like they want you to stay there and exist as normal. But I realized that there is no "normal" right now, even if everything else stays the same, without my spouse who has been there for me 10 years, it just will be different. So outside of my children no else's thoughts of what I should do will make or break any decision I choose. I'm moving ahead in life and if someone doesn't agree then they do not have to be a part of my new life. Most people are loving with kind hearts, but ultimately I'm the one that lays down with my head on my pillow satisfied or dissatisfied with my risk and my choices. I hope this helps you know you are not alone.

luckydaughter 07/23/2017

It is not too soon for you to date, as you alone know your life and your family and your situation. Only you can know what is right for you.

That being said, three months is quite early into the grieving process. I hope that if you do date, you go into it with your eyes wide open. New widows and widowers are very vulnerable.

Sylvia

SandyZal 07/23/2017

I don't know. My husband passed 4 months ago and I'm no where near ready to date. But I only had 4 days before he died, not 4 years.

widow46 07/23/2017

Thank you everyone for your input... it helps dearly!! It's my world now and it's not easy. Taking care of the kids to me is easy, the home easy... however the new world of taking care of me is not easy.

vickytic 07/23/2017

Gosh, I am so sorry you lost your wife at such a young age. My heart breaks for you and for your children. Even though we all knew that life wasn't fair, this is just too unfair! Only you know what is right for you.....3 months after losing her is such a short time, with so many emotions to yet surface but the fact that you have been dealing with her illness for 4 years I'd imagine took a lot out of you and your children....... and was a lonely place. The fact that your even thinking of companionship after all you've been through is completely understandable.......just keep those children close to you heart and keep them your priority.
Wishing you the best.

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