Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I've been seeing this wonderful gal for about 6 weeks. She lost her husband November 2017. We had an awesome first date and we get along very well, met her kids last week. I'm trying to get an understanding I guess of whats she's been thru. We make plans and all of a sudden she does a 180 and stops. It's as if she goes into panick mode all of a sudden and just wants to stop everything. We talk and she comes back from the edge of the cliff so to speak. We spend more time together, things are great, then bam all oaver again. During this cliff walking she'll comment about "being too much for me". Last Saturday evening we agreed to keep talking, which is texting, and I wouldn't come ever. So, we were texting then and it went on for about 2 hours, just chit chat and at length about Keto recipes then all of a sudden, "Gottta go, have a good night"
I said, "wow that was fast, ok, night"
She then says, "We have been texting for awhile, this is what I mean by too much for me"
Me, "Ok, just so I know, it's good, I wasn't aware"
She, " I said I need to step back and that we could talk"
Me, "I'm with ya"
She, "texting for hours is not stepping back"
We haven't been contact since Saturday night. I plan on leaving her alone, but for how long I'm not sure. She was married for 30 years. I'm just looking for any experienced help in learing about waht she's been thru and what she might be going thru with me in terms of a possible relationship. Thanks to all
I’m a widow and in opposite position...
No one takes relationship seriously...
Keep trying I suppose
We're in IN. She had met somebody on line previous to me from Kansas and even went there. She never told her kids and they had a fit when they found out. I met her 3 kids over dinner last week, we were going to FL for a week, and she wanted me to met them before hand. Then 2 days later a 180 turn. And I know it's not me personally.
Her offspring (kids?) are old enough to leave by themselves while she goes to visit someone she's never met in another state, and "they had a fit" when they found out. I get young people being upset about Mom having a romantic life but where did they think she was? Did she lie rather than have an adult conversation about needing to have company her own age? No offense, but WTH?
Then she has a two hour texting session with you, and somehow thinks that YOU should magically intuit how long was too long. That's bullshit, frankly.
My marriage was in a bad state when Late Husband died, I loved him, but he was an alcoholic. I decided to start dating eight or nine months later. Once I decided, I dated like I would have if I was younger (and smarter) When deal-breakers reared their ugly heads, I didn't pretend they weren't there or would go away.. I decided a long-distance thing wasn't for me. If someone wanted a pen pal, or wanted me to move to Wisconsin, or still smoked, I wished him well. and moved on. I'm not cold or unfeeling: men opted not to pursue a relationship with me, as well. Some didn't feel any connection. One said he wasn't 'in a position to court a woman' and really felt it was a man's role to do so. One texted me to tell me he realized he wasn't emotionally available for a relationship at that point in time. Were the last two fabrications for "No sparks?' Maybe. They're nice ones, anyway. And that kind of thing is non-negotiable, so why not soften the blow?
IF you want to continue with this woman, I would set, in your head, a reasonable period of time you're willing to invest in what is for now, a long-distance relationship. Then, next time you text, set a timer for twenty minutes and say your good-byes. You have an appointment, or something.
I wouldn't issue any ultimatums. Just pull back. If I had to guess, (oh, why not?!) I'd say there is a deal-breaker she's not acknowledging, maybe even to herself, or her children (who obviously aren't really minors) are giving her grief for dating. Neither of those is a problem you can solve. Another possibility is that she doesn't really want to start a new romance. The *idea* is a little appealing, flirting online is fun, but she doesn't have the energy or interest to actually participate in a real relationship. On a forum I used to post on, there was a whole sub-topic for people who were okay being single and not seeking to re-couple. I'ts a valid choice.
I waited a year and a half before dating.
I’m ready to share my life with someone again
You make some very good points. I thought the very same thing about the texting, like I'm supposed to know. When I met her kids I could tell their overprotective. I could tell mom and the kids are all close. One daughter did a background check on me and it wasn't your typical Internet search. She knew somebody. It didn't really bother me, there's nothin there to be found. The other just started back on her anxiety meds, still havin trouble with Dad being gone. I'm gonna lay low for a little bit, the texting timer is a good idea. She has a bit of an engineers mind where it's all black and white. I've wondered with that mind set if it conflicts with emotions, maybe I'm stretching. I appreciate your input thank you.
Here's where experience with Al-anon comes in handy. The things learned there can be applied to other areas of life. The "Three Cs" are "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it." That's just as true of her children and their attitude as it is in preventing an alkie taking another drink.
If the kids are the problem. and she's more invested in not having them complain than in her own social life, there is nothing you can do. Well, you can hope (for her sake) that her children will still want to be her only companions once they have their own households and families. It sounds like a plausible future for her.
We're both 59, he oldest is 42 a son and the 2 daughters are in their 30s. All with kids, she had 4 grandsons.
Maybe all that makes it even weirder
Even a pre-nup doesn't prevent Mom from spending money to support a lover. I don't foresee marrying my man-friend. We don't see eye-to-eye on money. I KNOW if we were to marry, there would be endless resentment over how 'our' money was spent. It's better, for us, if things are kept separate.
Three years is a long time. Even if the death was sudden and unexpected it's a long time. If the apron strings are still that tight, it isn't going to change. These are adults -not even young adults.. Having a 'fit' when Mom dates, traveling out-of-town without even telling them "I've been communicating with someone I'd like to meet:" from this distance, it all looks dysfunctional. I hate to use that kind of psycho-babble but WTH is with them that they can't just talk civilly to one another like adults, about adult issues?
My opinion for what it is worth...She may have more baggage than you realize, some related to being a widow and some not related to being a widow.
Having said that, I know I get to the point where things build up on me related to life in general and at some point, all roads lead me to my grief and loneliness of not having my partner. So is it grief, loneliness, confusion over a life that is not what you expected at this point? Feelings of survival guilt, or regret for what is lost? All of the above and more?!?!?!
As said, I have only been a widower for going on nine months now and I have begun to think about the next chapter. I am sure I don't want to be alone for rest of my life however I am not sure I will find love again, so we shall see.
I guess I think, if she is a good person, ask her what she would like from you and what she is thinking. It is hard to be vulnerable and let people in to tell them the truth, especially after a long relationship when someone knew you so well. It may take some time but if she is a fit for you, it is worth the work.
I don't know if I am making any sense.
I do like the three C's to remember. My wife was an alcoholic and those are hard o remember but vital to try to employ as a tool for controlling what you can. The serenity mantra is also good so you try to keep focused on what you can influence.
I hope you all (and I) can find someone to share life with at some point. I know what a great treasure it is, since that is what I have lost and am without right now. It is corny however having that person can help to make life complete.
Best wishes to all.
We all deserve happy in our lives once again
Thank you all...