I can imagine many things at play here. Remember these are just my thoughts and they are not proven.

- Is he emotionally available?
- Has his family allowed him to find another spouse?
- Is he still committed to his late wife?
- Is he bearing guilt?
- Is he using you as a way to distract his grief?
- Is he afraid of being hurt again?

These are questions that only he knows, and he may or may not be comfortable to disclose them with you. You can gently guide him, but I don't know if the timing of the relationship is quite right yet.

The fact that he hasn't told anyone is a red flag. Sounds like my daughter-in-law trying to hide the fact that she's still married to my son from her friends and family. Rain has given you some things to consider. If the guy's not ready, it will reveal itself before very long. It could turn ugly and leave you with more scars. Please guard your heart and take it slow.

thank you all I sort of know all the red flags are there and that these issues are his not mine.but it's going to hear it's not my imagination xx

I too am at 18 0r so months....but female...an my personal view,I think he's not ready for any thing to serious. He sounds like he needs more of a friend maybe someone to hang with,to do things with.I I myself miss the togetherness the most. I am finding a person who shares ,this journey is more understanding Be his friend first or you will scare him away,an when he is ready to move on ....you will be there

I have a question. How possible is it to be "just friends" with someone of the opposite sex? If you so much as ride in the same car, most people would consider that as dating. Once I had a guy ask me out to dinner (a long time ago) as friends. He talked to the waitress more than to me that night. It was awkward. When he dropped me back off at my apartment, he started going on about how he thought I expected a hug or something in way of goodbye. So he gave me a forced hug. My point is that the "phrase "just friends" can be rather acidic. It definitely would need to be defined so both are on the same page. It can mean just friends and that's all, or it could mean starting out as friends with possibilities of it becoming something more.

He's not sure and he's not ready, and that's perfectly normal at 18 months. You may be ready for a long-term, committed relationship, but he's not. In 6 months he might be or he might not be. He's still finding his feet. You've had 15 years to do that. He's not sure about you and he's not sure about himself, and he is not sure about what he wants, and all of that is to be expected based on where he is time-wise.

If you feel that you must have a committed, very public relationship, then you may need to seek that elsewhere if you don't feel you can gve him more time.

I know for myself that it was unnerving and awkward to start a new relationship after 30 years with the same person. And for me it was easier, I guess, because we were both widowed/widowered just 2-1/2 months apart. We both knew we were going to have to be patient with each other, because we both still had bad days. Sometimes it was like there was 4 of us in the relationship. Sometimes I was very jealous of his late wife, which I knew rationally was ridiculous. It took some adjusting to get used to it.

My new relationship did become my new marriage, and we are very content with each other in large part, I think, because we understood there would have to be give-and-take on our pasts.

I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I can relate to Martha about there seeming to be 4 people in the marriage. And yes, the jealousy aspect is very real; it is very possible and probable to feel that you are competing with a ghost. We could talk fairly openly about our lates, but there were those times (like slipping and calling me by her name, saying how well she could multitask, etc.) Another thing to consider is how you might feel about your new spouse being laid to rest next to his or her late spouse. That was not an issue I had to face, although I wish now I had arranged for that (at least with Dennis).

It is not easy dating someone newly widowed when you have been widowed much longer. You have been through the grief and healing. They are still not over the loss.
You may find you would relate to someone who has been widowed longer like yourself. They no doubt have learned lessons as you have about relationships. That is how it worked for me. I wish you the best. . Love and Hugs, Dolores

How sad it is.. My friend also lost his wife after 7 years of relationship. He has been dealing with this tragedy for a very long time. It was easier for him when I was around, because I was his best friend and I distracted him, made him smile, and so on. He met another girl 2 years later, and she forced him to live again.. He met her on https://shagbook.com and got married. When his first wife died, I thought he would never be the same again, but fortunately I was wrong. I am very happy that he was able to overcome this depression. I would be very interested to know how things went with you, hopefully as well as my friend.

Harry...interesting last sentence....she forced him to live again...I would hope that is what our loved ones would have wanted...to see us live on...love...journey through life making as many memories until we are called home where they will be waiting. I am glad your friend found life again.