Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Coping Strategies

JFerrante
JFerrante
Since my partner passed away unexpectedly last May, I have tried many ways to try and cope with this horrible trauma such as exercise, grief groups, leaning on family and friends, individual counceling, internet support, and my own computer journal.

Despite all the above efforts, and that my hurt is still very prominent, I tried getting intimate with a new man, but I find that when I do so I experience intense resentment whether being with someone new or responding to personal ads. I say to myself, if my lover hadn't died, then I wouldn't have to be going throught this BS! Then I get angry at him and the whole adjustment. I feel trapped and hate it!!

How am I to move on when I try to do so I resent it and want my Tom back? What makes it very difficult is that I knew in my heart that he was the one for me in so many ways. We didn't have a perfect relationship (who does?), but we had that magic that you only come across in a lifetime. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, but I hate the whole dating process. Any ideas?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know what you mean. My husband died 14 months ago and my friends and even my counselor had talked about dating again. The whole thought creeps me out. We didn't have a perfect relationship either but we knew each other so well. I don't know how to recreate that again. The online dating things seems like a good idea in that you can weed out people without similar interests but I'm very leary. I get depressed when I think about it. I wish I had ideas for you!
Shelly
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
The anger is normal - we all go through it. We resent the fact that we will have to start from scratch just when we had gotten to be comfortable and happy. It seems unfair and wrong. And it is. But it is what it is. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, but are you giving it enough time? You and Tom were together 5+ years; it may take longer than a few months for you to be ready to invest the energy and courage and love into a new relationship. I read your posts and it sounds like you are rushing yourself and beating yourself up for not being completely ready to "move on" - but there is no timetable, give yourself some time to heal. Give yourself some time to cherish what you had. Give yourself some time to grow just as you and you will have more to offer someone when the situation arises. It's not a contest, it's okay to take your time. You have the right to take your time. It's frightening to contemplate a life alone - I'm 50 and not exactly a prime candidate for the dating scene so I identify with the anxiety over it - I've been "out of the market" for a very long time - 30 years - but I know that if I relax and give myself some time it will turn out okay one way or the other. I may live another 50 years, and yes, contemplating doing that on my own is a scary thought. But I know if I panic and rush anything that I will just regret it later.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Very well put, cliffskat!
Shelly
khardeman
khardeman
Its jsut been a few weeks since my husband passed. I knew him so well and he me. I know that he would not have wanted me to be alone, but to be happy always, the same way I would have felt if it had been the other way around. I know I will never meet any man that comes even close to him. The fact is, you can ot replace your loved one. I hate the baggage I feel that I now carry with me. Having to tell someone else everything about everything. Starting all over again. Don't rush it, get to know yourself a little better. Don't look for your husbands quilities in other people. Laugh and be happy, and when you are ready for a new relationship it will happen.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wish I could give you some good advice. Sometimes my mind wonders and I think that maybe I could be happy with someone else and move on with my life...Then, I think about how dirty i would feel being in love with someone else. I know that God created love and that it is something beautiful but, nothing seems right without my Ivan. He was sweetest man ever! It would of broken his heart to know that I was ever with or fell in love with someone else. :( Sorry my own problems kicked in. I think that time is the only healer and that the wind should guide us. My first next relationship is going to be with myself. I want to rediscover who I am. Right now, I can only take baby steps but one day I'm going to be strong again and thank ivan for all of the love that he gave me. I know that I will carry it with me where ever I go. It's horrible having to start all over again! I admire your courage though and wish you all of the happiness in the world.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Great thought SadAmy :-)

My next relationship will be with myself. I need to discover and know me again.

I do get cranky and depressed that I will have to start all over again. My sweetie is the only man I ever wanted. I am very thankful that he chose me to be part of his life...makes me cry...wish he was here holding me...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know your pain. I tried to be with someone and couldn't quite let all of me out. I was always comparing. I finally let the wall down and Then he moved on to another girl and left me with 2 broken hearts in one year. Now I have men wanting relationships with me and I just can't give my heart again. One man talks like he wants to marry me after 2 dates and he'll wait for me to be ready. It is crazy. I am a very nice person and this is too much stress. I am terribly lonely and wish to be held so very badly but I think I need to find me and who I am and find out what I want. Rick and I had a special relationship although it was hard and I just can't start over again yet. Give yourself time. I hate dating too!!!