Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Tomorrow my daughter is turning 5 years old and for the first time we will celebrate her birthday without her dad. I have been reading posts from this site since my husband passed away last Nov. 2016. But I am only posting now because the first few months since my husband died, I felt like I was in a fog of disbelief and denial...I can't even wrap my head around the idea that I'll never be able to talk to my bestfriend. I kept thinking, I can't be a widow at age 34 with a young daughter to raise by myself. I have never known despair, desolation, anguish and complete misery more intimately than the first few months after my husband died. They were my constant companion especially at night when my daughter is asleep and can't see me cry for hours until I feel I don't have any more tears left.
After the disbelief and shock wore off, I felt that I can again compose coherent thoughts in my head. So I poured every ounce of energy I have in taking care of my daughter and trying to adjust our life to me being a single parent. With no family close by to rely on, everyday I am exhausted to the bone juggling work and being a mom. But I welcomed the physical exhaustion because it helped me sleep at night. It's the emotional havoc that really drains the spirit. Before this has happened, I thought I was a pretty strong person. I have overcome hardships before but losing the person you love breaks your heart to thousand pieces and you can never put all the pieces back together again. Most of the things in life doesn't seem to make sense anymore. My daughter is the only one who can bring me joy now but even when she makes me laugh, I still feel this constant, heavy ache inside me.
My daughter and I already had a couple of "firsts" without her dad like her first day in Kindergarten, her first plane ride etc...And each of those firsts are like daggers in my heart because I wished with all my heart that my husband was there to share it with us. I was buying groceries for my daughter's birthday party this morning and the person stacking the fruits asked me where my husband was. Apparently he knows/remembers him and was wondering why he hasn't seen him in a while since we always do our grocery together. For a few seconds I stood there and I didn't want to say that my husband is dead. Even after almost 10 months, it's still so hard to say it. So I said he passed away last year...but to me "passed away" doesn't seem to convey the finally of death. It sounds watered down and I think I mainly use "passed away" for other people's benefit. I wanted to say he is dead and I am left here by myself and tomorrow is my daughter's birthday and I am trying my best but everything is so hard! And I felt angry and frustrated that I can't say it and that his question made me feel like I was losing my husband all over again. So I rushed home and threw up and cried and cried...I am in anguish again, just like the day my beloved husband died.
I needed to say this to somebody so I can stop crying because I have to go and pick up my daughter from school in an hour. :(
I'm so sorry you're suffering like this...There's nothing really anyone can do to remove the misery short of bringing our partners back. Everyone knows and feels this, everyday...
I'm learning some answers and getting more insight into the things surrounding my husband's death, and with them comes deep regret/sadness. If you were in a situation.like mine, you'd know what I mean. How did you lose him? I'm glad you have your little girl. I will pray for you. May God be close to you.
The triggers like the one that hit you at the grocery store will happen and boy they hurt! They come out of nowhere and punch you right in the gut. With enough time though, the pain of those will lessen and you will learn how to handle them. I remember a similar situation in a store like you had and I too was at a loss for words as how to reply. The tears just well up.
You may feel like you have been taken back to day one but you really haven't. You've come a long way and you stumbled, as we all have and still do, but...you will get back up again. You seem like a very strong person even though it may not feel like it right now but I can tell that you are. The love of and for your daughter will get you through the days and eventually the nights as well.
She may be tiny but she is your rock, that ray of light and hope that will keep you going. Your husband would want that for her and you.
My heart felt prayers and thoughts go out to you sweetie, I pray for strength for you to see each new day with a brave face and a strong heart. You can do this and you will.....
Always keep the love in your heart and his memories alive. He still lives on through your daughter as he is a part of her. Her whole being is because of your love.
Take care and check back often! We all understand and get it....
Warmest hugs to you,
Darcie
Btw.....please give that sweet little girl a great big happy birthday hug for me!
Jeanne
When she asked me how Tracey was doing and I told her that she had died a few weeks ago, she was in shock and disbelief, her eyes welled up and started giving me a big hug's. Every time this happens, it always takes me back to DAY ONE. Reading your post makes me wonder how my wife would be doing with Katey right now if I was the one who had died. I will be thinking about you a lot and hope you continue to write out your frustrations, fears and hard times. No words of wisdom from me, I am a total basket case, but like everyone else on this site, we feel and share your pain and we understand everything that you were going through. Dave