Hi Lisa -

I am at the 3 month / 3 week mark. I don't view your comments as a rant. I understand exactly what you are saying as I just want the holidays over. It is the first Christmas without my wife in 31 years and our 25th wedding anniversary would have been on New Year's Eve. I am being invited to family Christmas celebrations but will avoid some or most of them. I just don't have the " Christmas spirit " and don't want to screw up the enjoyment of others.

I am just taking it minute by minute and hour by hour. Somehow, I made it through Thanksgiving doing that. I watched mindless television programs without the slightest idea of they were about most of the time. It seemed as if all of the clocks in my home were broken as the minute hands moved so slowly. I am going to try to avoid the clock watching experience with the upcoming holidays.

I visited a grief analyst for 2 sessions. He was about 30 years old and had been in practice for 2 years. He said I would need to maintain weekly sessions for about 12 to 15 weeks ( $ 75.00 a visit ) and he would then be able my recovery progress. Toward the end of the second session, I asked him if he was married and he said no. I then asked if he was in a serious relationship and he said no. He said that should not make a difference because of his training. Then, I told myself I was wasting my time as there was absolutely no way he could possibly understand the relationship I had with my wife. Maybe it helps many or some people but I don't think I am one of them.

Feel free to " rant ".

Darrell from Texas . .

.

Lisa,
I never know when my meltdown will happen, I never know....there's no warning....no lights, bells or whistles to let me know that I'm going to start crying or talking to myself or who knows what!

I was in line, in the market, with a multitude of strangers all around me and I saw a box of ice cream in the freezer section....Morey's favorite....and I started to tear-up and couldn't find a tissue and couldn't see what I was doing and then it was my turn to empty my basket and I was wiping my eyes like a 6 year old with my sleeve. Someone handed me a piece of a paper towel and I started wiping my nose, my cheek and then I started blotting my eyes......what a mess!

Lisa, it's NEVER going to be over because there will be triggers all around us, whether it be a holiday or a tub of ice cream.

I totally understand and I'm ranting right along with you!

Roz

I completely get it! I am living with friends, kids are not able to come home this year, it will be 6 months the 26th... Stage set -
I do understand that I can say no to any part of this holiday festivities; however it was always my favorite time of year. All the lights and spirit, family, laughter etc. Pete always got into it because of my enthusiasm and I felt that he would want me to enjoy those parts I always enjoyed,so I finally have tree up, I cheat baked cookies (not from scratch), shopped for some food for a small dinner AND OMG! I have cried continually for the past 2 days. It comes on out of no where, some turning to sobs and loudly talking to him. I guess I am glutton for punishment, but I can hear his voice saying this is what the "me" would want in a different situation. And yes that is true, but this is so hard. Much harder than I thought. Not to mention that no one gets it!! I do this as much for him as me. I have regretted the decision a number of times in the past 48 hours.
But the tears heal as a memory will make me smile amidst the tears. I have had some quirky little signs that he is with me so I continue with my self-punishment. How crazy am I? I wish at times I could have decided to avoid the holidays.
This holiday for me will be 3 days long! I hope we all find a small moment of peace and spirit or sign that lightens our heart and soul even for a short moment.

Meltdowns are common in the first year - and even beyond. They come and go, something triggers - a smell, a song, a memory.

Tidal waves of emotion. And it hurts big time! But it will smooth out as time goes on. Baby steps, baby steps and let the tears fall.

I threw out all my Christmas decorations after my husband died. I did not want Christmas at all (as if tossing away decorations could make the holiday go away). But we are irrational in those early emotionally-charged weeks and months. I threw away a lot of things to try and "get rid" of the ripping, searing pain, the vacuum that used to be a warm body and loving heart.

Well, running away and cleaning house doesn't really help - but that's all I did at first.

Anyway - Christmas will come and you will survive. And each year it does get a bit easier.

Now at the 5 1/2 year mark, I am looking forward to Christmas with my family - there are lots of grandchildren and Christmas is so much more fun with little ones running around.
Gentle hugs, Lisa.

Hi Lisa, I sure know, like all of us here, what those "trigger" meltdowns are. One little thought, event, or even hearing music at the grocery store, or going anywhere brings on the triggers. One day I was grocery shopping and I couldn't breathe, so I panicked and took a cab to the ER at St. Joseph's hospital. I was crying hysterically, couldn't stop. The ER doctor asked me, "what's wrong." All I could say is that I'm having a "19th nervous breakdown". (Actually I use this metaphor because its a Rolling Stones song. He gave me Ativan to calm me down. You know what he told me. "Your husband wouldn't want you to cry and be going through this, just get out, don't go to any more grief counseling sessions with misery and just go walk in the desert." That was in October. So that's what I do, just walk in the Arizona desert. I'm glad you have your Mother and daughter there with you. Treasure their presence. Take care, Lisa. Hugs, Nanette

It's been 8 1/2 months and I still have melt downs- feel strong and something little can bring the overwhelming pain back. It took me a week to put up 2 or 3 hours worth of decorations and I almost took them all down....but I thought about my grandkids and I knew how much they love them so I left them up. I was always the one who got excited at Christmas and my husband would be relieved when the "chaos" was over so that kinda has made this holiday easier for me than if he had loved it as much as I always did. I'm really dreading New Years- the 1st new year in 37 years without my sweet love.

Hi, Lisa. Yes, I have at least one meltdown every day, usually later at night when my son is in his room. I put up a tree and am doing the Christmas thing for the same reason...my son. I lit a candle for my husband, and am just sitting here watching TV...
I think the holidays are hard because of the constant reminders of what others still have and what we lost. That said, I'll be happy when it's behind us...

Sorry for the late reply.... My internet has issues with all the weather we've been having. Thank you for your replies. I spent Christmas Day with my kids. Lots of meltdowns and tears. It seems to me that over time things have gotten harder to deal with. I really lean on the support here so thank you all very much. Hugs

Lisa