What you are describing sounds like anxiety attacks. I have been having problems with those recently. Not fun. I was advised to see my doctor and I am going on Monday. Maybe you should make an appointment too.
You are not crazy...you are dealing with so much right now. I imagine that you are caring for your daughters and helping them get through their grief and loss. Are you being strong for them and not letting yourself grieve? You have to take care of you too.

I get this sometimes. For me it's a feeling of total dismay. I can be going along fine and then, out of nowhere, I am utterly bereft. My counsellor suggested it might be a form of PTSD.
It happened most at around 3-6 months but still blindsides me sometimes.
I think it's just another distressing element of grief. And you're right, it's impossible to convey to most people. I wouldn't have understood it before either.
Wishing you the best.
Sandy

C.S. Lewis in his book, A Grief Observed, wrote "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but sensation is like being afraid."

Running out of a burning building? Interesting. After we get out of it, we should be safe - until the next life-threatening event comes along.

I think those of us who experienced a long period of decline or sickness before our spouse's death have different issues than those whose spouses died unexpectedly. I have guilt sometimes about "what if" and maybe I could have done more. It helps me to talk about it with my 26 year old daughter, because she tells me I was heroic and did everything I could. She says Arlene was surprised at how much I loved her and how I was there for her. Between hospitals, when she was home in a hospital bed, Arlene thanked me and she told me that she could not have been able to care for me the same way. I reminded her that she supported me and our young child in the early 90s when I was seriously ill with Bipolar Depression.

My wife's death last year at 62, and my best friend's death at the same age a few months later, made me face my own mortality, at 55. That can be scary. When I get an unusual skin irritation, I worry that it might be similar to the lesions my wife developed, the beginning of her final decline. She worried they might be environmental, just before they started accelerating, we had a mouse infestation, which I eliminated without any toxins while she stayed with my friend. Her doctors did not know what was aggressively attacking her organs, her liver and lungs. They suggested it was a genetic immune disorder of an unknown type. Now our daughter worries about that. I get psoriatic eczema. But when I see a relatively small sore erupt, I am scared. I can't get it checked out because I just lost my Medicaid insurance, I "graduated" from SSI Disability because I have been making way too much money the last few years. It's a sign of "recovery" - so I was able to sign up for a Healthcare.gov plan after the deadline because I lost my insurance suddenly, it takes effect 4/1.

Personally, I do not experience much anxiety, My psychotherapist wife thought my calm in the face of danger was a bit pathologic. But it helped us get through some unbelievably threatening situations. I have friends who have anxiety attacks that send them to the ER. On New Years Eve, I talked down my hostess, who was also sad about my wife and our mutual friend's death. I told her the ER on New Years Eve was not a fun place. If I had not been there, she might have gone.

I think my wife suffered PTSD. We were mostly homeless for about 10 years, until I got my shit together. We were evicted serially, and physically attacked a few times, once by my mother when we threw ourselves on her mercy for a couple of nights. We were taken into to custody by a police SWAT team after a neighbor overheard her saying "why don't you stop kissing her ass" while I was on the phone with my mom asking for some help, and the neighbor told the police I was kissing my daughter's ass. A Child Protective Services worker who seemed on drugs wanted to mandate forensic examination for ass-kissing, until a smart female lieutenant interviewed my wife and me separately about what happened, then we were driven back to the hellhole motel where our county warehouses homeless families. It's sort of a funny story, but it wasn't a fun experience. And my wife was a counselor for the official hotline for 9/11 referrals for 2 years, the stories she heard alone can give one PTSD by proxy.

Apart from anti-anxiety drugs, people can benefit from holistic ways to treat it. Meditation, affirmations, visualization, prayer, exercise - they help us center and feel less threatened, and better able to handle unexpected or difficult situations. My favorite form of meditation is playing my guitar - I feel a WHOLE lot better when I play.

I'm surprised that the pressure of being a single mom with 3 children does not play a part. I have a friend who's boyfriend was locked up, and he was contributing a lot to their support. Suddenly she's a single mom with 2 girls, and constantly facing evictions. Her children are taunted by kids at school, who find out about their problems. She found a slightly less expensive apartment, which she still cannot afford. I am going to teach her how to start a business on eBay, which can help a little. I have been asking all my social worker friends to help her find a program that will help her get education or training to get a better job. Often she is emotionally and physically exhausted.

If the uncomfortable feelings are diminishing, you are on the right track. I know people who hear voices, and often those voices are not very pleasant. But they learn to recognize them, not fear them. Coping is the best we can do sometimes.

;Priests, grief counselors, friends . . . all golden. Talk and share when you are in good company and feel safe. Otherwise, simply "be'. It's always okay to be alone and process without others' said involvement or advice. Your choice, on any given day Just my take on things . .. Warm hug, xo D

I think a lot of it has to do with everything familiar having our spouse as a component of it, and then when they are gone, suddenly everything changes. Everything from how you get your morning coffee to who takes the kids to school to what do I do when the faucet leaks or the car breaks down, etc. When two lives are thoroughly entwined, trying to adjust to the loss is traumatic.

The panic attacks should ease up. Mine started to around 4 months, although I still get them from time to time but for other reasons.

Running for your life without knowing where you're going to run to... yep, that's a good description all right...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

So very sorry for your loss. Running out of a burning building is what it is like. With me, I had to save my children as well. We all try to save our selves from grief and pain but it is there like the monster that it is. Living for the needs of my children is all that got me through the bad days. People always say to "take care of yourself" but that is not always possible. Kids come first no matter what.
I wish you peace here on your journey.

Maggie