Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have to move so I've started throwing stuff out. It's horrible. My husband had a side business that he really hoped to get off the ground. I supported him in his efforts because he wanted it so much. There are people who are sucessful at it, but more that never make a go of it.
We spent thousands on the business, barely making any money from it. It went on for most of our 8 year marriage(we married, divorced and married again for a sum total of 18 years) After a while I started to resent the business because it was taking up so much time. I wanted to stop and smell the roses, enjoy our time together. As it was I ended up living in the same house with him but seldom seeing him. He was mostly in the den and I sitting in the livingroom watching television, waiting for him to appear.
He was doing it for us, he wanted the big house, the luxiry cars, the expensive vacations. I just wanted him. With his regular job and mine we lived a good life.
Now, I'm cleaning out his stuff, and there are hundreds, I mean hundreds of brochures and other stuff from the failed business. I even came across one where he'd written his goals on a sheet of paper. It included retirement by 60. He died at 59. It included a large home with a tennis court, golf course, etc. It included a Rolls Royce, and two other expensive cars. It was alwful reading it because it was all stuff he wanted for us, things that didn't really matter and it wasn't to be.
All that time that he pursued these things, I played the supportive wife, hoping he'd get it out of his system or maybe the darn system would actually work. Now, I've got tons of brochures of a dream that can never be. And all the plans he made to visit Europe and Hawaii and Asia, when all I wanted to do was to go downtown and have dinner.
He gave his life to this company and he did it for us...I really get that. I love him for it, but I was cheated. i spent 8 years sitting outside the den, waiting to get in, giving up friendships and relatives, because i wanted to be there if he had even the smallest amout of time for us. The pain is deep, but the anger boils in me.
You see, I've always believed you should enjoy the now. Don't spend your life waiting to live. I could never convince him of that.
It's a life not lived. Thankfully, he's enjoying heaven now, but I'm still walking through hell. I have moments of strenght and that's what I show the world. But now, I just needed to vent. The truth was had I been the woman I once was--the young woman who had not been born-again and wanted to live and enjoy every second--I probably would have left him. Thankfully, I became born-again and saw him for the kind, loving man that he was. I got to spend my life with a truly remarkable man. Still, I'm only 53. I don't know what to do with his goals and dreams. They were part of him and every piece of paper I throw away feels like I'm throwing him away.
He wanted this so much and I wanted it for him. Now what?
We spent thousands on the business, barely making any money from it. It went on for most of our 8 year marriage(we married, divorced and married again for a sum total of 18 years) After a while I started to resent the business because it was taking up so much time. I wanted to stop and smell the roses, enjoy our time together. As it was I ended up living in the same house with him but seldom seeing him. He was mostly in the den and I sitting in the livingroom watching television, waiting for him to appear.
He was doing it for us, he wanted the big house, the luxiry cars, the expensive vacations. I just wanted him. With his regular job and mine we lived a good life.
Now, I'm cleaning out his stuff, and there are hundreds, I mean hundreds of brochures and other stuff from the failed business. I even came across one where he'd written his goals on a sheet of paper. It included retirement by 60. He died at 59. It included a large home with a tennis court, golf course, etc. It included a Rolls Royce, and two other expensive cars. It was alwful reading it because it was all stuff he wanted for us, things that didn't really matter and it wasn't to be.
All that time that he pursued these things, I played the supportive wife, hoping he'd get it out of his system or maybe the darn system would actually work. Now, I've got tons of brochures of a dream that can never be. And all the plans he made to visit Europe and Hawaii and Asia, when all I wanted to do was to go downtown and have dinner.
He gave his life to this company and he did it for us...I really get that. I love him for it, but I was cheated. i spent 8 years sitting outside the den, waiting to get in, giving up friendships and relatives, because i wanted to be there if he had even the smallest amout of time for us. The pain is deep, but the anger boils in me.
You see, I've always believed you should enjoy the now. Don't spend your life waiting to live. I could never convince him of that.
It's a life not lived. Thankfully, he's enjoying heaven now, but I'm still walking through hell. I have moments of strenght and that's what I show the world. But now, I just needed to vent. The truth was had I been the woman I once was--the young woman who had not been born-again and wanted to live and enjoy every second--I probably would have left him. Thankfully, I became born-again and saw him for the kind, loving man that he was. I got to spend my life with a truly remarkable man. Still, I'm only 53. I don't know what to do with his goals and dreams. They were part of him and every piece of paper I throw away feels like I'm throwing him away.
He wanted this so much and I wanted it for him. Now what?
Moving makes it difficult to keep everything so I would select a couple things that can be special. We had a lot of things like that and slowly I learned to part with them. It frustrated me looking at the waste of money in throwing them away but I turned it into the belief of him and support of his dreams, and it didn't feel so bad. All of us have different goals and wants in life, and so many times we aren't aware of the consequences of our ambition. I have a feeling your husband, like mine, had very good intentions and it's sad he didn't realize the wonderful things he had acheived for his family. Sharon
My husband work hard and retired. Right after his retirement party he could not breath and ended in the hospital diagnosis was lung cancer fill his lung. He had 1 gallon of fluid in his lung caused by cancer. He lived only month after that
He did believe that you work hard for your vacation all year and you should have the best on your vacationI believed that vacation should be on budget. I now think he was right Life is to short. Enjoy you life.
As you go though the papers remember that it is just papers it is not your husband. I know how hard it is to go though all the stuff. When I go though stuff I try to keep a fast pace so I dont have to sit and linger over it. I give my self a goal that I need so much done in this hour. The more time I have the more I think and more I cry. I hope this might help you to do what need Good luck
Malia
My mother left him and then we became a single parent family of five with no money and loads of anxiety and stress over money issues. In both life situations that was the worse, all the angst and insecurity caused by having no money.
So security was a big thing for me. I didn't desire a luxury car or a mansion but I worked long and hard to get the ones we did have paid for as quickly as possible. No one was going to evict us from our home or repossess our car! And of course I wanted a cushion in the bank. Just in case, always prepared for the worse, that was me. And I did want to enjoy an early retirement with my husband. We married and had kids young. I really looked forward to our "together " time.
My husband was much wiser than me. He didn't want me to work so hard, tried to convince me it wasn't necessary or healthy, and that he missed me, and I was missing life.I kept saying, I will slow down soon honey, almost there. He would just shake his head sadly.
Well, I've slowed down all right. Instead of two jobs I now work part-time. It's all my broken heart can stand as I deal with a life lived out of balance and all for naught. What I wouldn't give to do it all over again. Now I know my real security was my family and I had all I ever really needed-unconditional love and support. Now I know the only time that matters is today not tomorrow. I gave up my todays for a tomorrow I will never have. My cold cash sits in the bank but the person I wanted to spend it with is gone. My burden of guilt,regret and shame will be with me forever.
I guess I might have been luckier than some. My husband and I were always happy with what we had and we could afford. The only big dreams he had was to win the lottery, take care of our sisters and brothers with it, and have what was left for us. He would have bought us a newer home with the things he knew that I wanted, then he wanted me to take a leave of absence from work and for us to travel around the world. With all that money, who needed to work?
Well, we didn't win the lottery, but we still had each other. He golfed, I volunteered, always on Sunday. With the exception of working, we were always together, so I have no regrets. The only regret I have is that he was taken from me at an early age (62).
My goal now is to form good friendships with the girls, travel to those places my husband and I talked about returning to, visiting the places we had never seen but discussed, and completing my own bucket list that I may have never gotten to do had we still been a union.
I am blessed with my home, my cat and friends and family that understand me.
And, thank the Lord for counseling!
Shortly before my husband died, I sat him down and we watched it again. It made no impact, and now I feel like I'm throwing away his dreams.
I can understand why you feel angry. You feel cheated and really your were..All of us were to a degree. We expected to have a future and many more days with our loved one.
His goals and dreams went with him. Only keep the ones that you valued and shared. They are yours and you can pursue them in time. Hugs.
Your husband lived as he wanted to live, as did mine. It's hard grieving the dreams that are gone, nobody sends you a sympathy card that says "I'm sorry for the loss of your dreams." At least here we all understand what you're going through, feeling cheated, how unfair it all seems.
Sending you Love and Hugs, Martha
Dreaming about his business was just part of who your husband was. At least, he had the will to spend time developing plans and trying to launch a successful business. Many people only dream and never take the necessary action. My husband was a dreamer and a doer. He was always busy with a new adventure. We were blessed that all of his business ventures were such that our entire family was part of it - and we spent lots of hours together building our business. Even when he was at the end of his battle with cancer, he never stopped dreaming and planning the future. He was planning a new area of business to supplement our existing one. Unfortunately, he never got to make it happen.
He had a small construction company that he wanted so much to give up. Was going to quit and do small projects, make furniture, anything that didn't hurt his body so bad. Had a shop full of "toys" just waiting for him to begin. His plan was to retire at 55 to farm and slow down.
Some of the equipment and tools have never had his hand use them, only put them in place in his shop or buildings. And now never will. A dream, his and mine, gone. I can't farm, I can't build. All that time, energy and now what? Many dreams ended for all of us.
It seems I spent most of my life telling people to stop and smell the roses. I just couldn't get through to him. Sometimes I wonder how he would have felt had it been reversed.