Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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shaneslove 09/17/2015

My friend's daughter contacted me the other day and wanted to know if I would help her put together a surprise "anniversary" celebration for her parents this Sunday. I am to do all of the cooking. Like an idiot, I agreed to help, but I did tell her that there will be no way that I can "stay" for very long. I am cooking the food here... then taking it to their home and most likely calling it a day.

I do love this couple... and I am happy for them.

But the "evil" side of me is a bit resentful. They do not even remember when their anniversary is... they had to ask other people!!!! And the wife has told me that the only reason she married him was so that she could get put on his insurance.... This will be their 10th wedding anniversary...

I feel like a terrible person, but I cannot help but think this is all so unfair. I know that this is something I need to work on... and I am trying to shove these feelings of resentment aside. I even have trouble wishing people on Facebook a "happy anniversary".

staygolden3 09/17/2015

It's sweet of you to cook. And you're perfectly right if you want to leave right away. I too have a couple like that in my life. It's a big fat pill to swallow to be nice to them sometimes but I do and just walk away. I also can have an evil side as you say and it really gets to me sometimes but damn it is just so Fing unfair! I don't get it either. So put on your "happy" face that we are all so used to doing (in my case faking a lot) and say your pleasantries and leave if you feel like it. Who knows? Maybe you may want to stay a bit. Whatever you do...it's nice of you to help out the daughter with this party.
Love to u
Darcie

letmehelpyou 09/17/2015

Oh believe me, we understand. Especially my first two years, I thought how gd unfair it all was. Time does soften the resentment but you still think.. well I will never have a thirty year anniversary, that sucks! You are being a good friend by cooking and if you leave when you have to, they need to understand.

The truth is it is unfair. But, as my Dad always told me "Did anyone ever promise you life would be fair?" The hardest thing to accept is that it happens whether you appreciate or deserve, whether you are good or bad. The randomness of life is breathtaking, but in the end you trudge forward anyway. Doesn't make you a terrible person by any stretch of the imagination.

Hugs,
Val

ptorres 09/17/2015

You have a big heart and it's not evil to feel resentful. I feel this way about my marriage, I would not trade the 20 blissful years I had with Amy for any amount of time some people spend in misery or mediocrity in theirs. Others take for granted what they have and that is what I am resentful of. Peace, ~Pete

bookdragon 09/17/2015

I am only very sad and a bit jealous when i see these couples in their 80's going for a walk or shopping together. I had close to 40 years and it was not long enough. Hugs Patti

cliffskat 09/17/2015

I'd say the daughter must take after her parents - clueless!!! I would have said no. I couldn't face things like wedding showers, funerals, and the like that first year. A lady in my office was getting married, and typically all of us ladies would throw a big wedding shower. I declined but sent a gift along with best wishes. The person organizing the shower said she understood, as she couldn't cope with baby showers after losing the only pregnancy she would ever have. Only those that have lost 'get it.'

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Shrn 09/17/2015

I give you a lot of credit for agreeing to cook for them. I am not sure I would have said yes. It's normal for us to have resentment for others happiness when we are consumed by our loss. You will work your way through these feelings in time and the sting will lesson. Sharon

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