I don't think there is a time set for anything, from what I have read in a couple of books on grief anyway. Everyone goes through steps differently towards healing.

It does seem that when we finally realize that the person is really gone, and we've done all the things we THINK we should do & now what? I think its that point when we are trying to keep the life of what you had but its colliding with what is now. And the problem is we do not truly know what is now for JUST US as one. While we try to find what is best for us in our now life we are struggling with not losing part of what was. AND we truly do not want to let go of what was - closing a chapter in our lives is always a hard one. Balancing things in our lives is also a hard one. Supposedly we find a way as we are muddling through to keep our memories of what our lives were and we begin to make sense going into what is good for us. If you are like me you do not like uncertainy or the unknown.

And I do not think you are truly a mess, its just to you it probably seems like it because of what you are going through. But you are normal so do not beat yourself up, and I wish there were words to help you. Know we all care and send wishes for comfort and peace.

Wendy, The 1st year is the hardest. I traveled from NY to Texas to the Military Cemetary to visit the grave. I spent a week with his family. I took "yearbook" type pictures with the headstone. It does get easier, but with time. Your time.
I used to have meltdowns in the grocery store, Radio Shack, the liquor store. K mart...everywhere. It gets easier...On your time. be at comfort, you are not alone. I was sharing today with a widow....she was 5 years and me 3 years. It is still there, but not as severe....thank goodness.

Wendy - 11 months was horrible for me as well - part of it the looming year anniversary. Please don't dwell on what "normal" is. There is no freaking normal. Seriously. Whatever you're feeling, you're feeling, and that's your normal. The one year milestone is meaningless, especially when it comes to how you feel iside your heart. The thing is, this journey we're on takes a long time, and it doesn't go by the calendar. Be gentle on yourself - hugs, Marsha

Wendy,

I am five plus years into this journey, and each year has had its own challenges. Just as you would show compassion and tolerance to another in the same situation, permit yourself the same kindness and understanding.

Those first months are filled with obligations that only you can perform. The strangeness of it all is overwhelming and exhausting. Once the legalities are behind you, you find yourself in the midst of sortingendless sorting. What to keep, what to offer to family, what keeps his memory alive and close to your heart. As time goes by, it has been my experience that those items that I once couldn't imagine parting with began to diminish somewhat in importance. As I look at every item that was important to our lives, it occurs to me that what really holds my heart now is all those precious memoriesmemories of working on the farm together, memories of him holding our infant daughters, memories of him proposing to me, memories of his gentle spirit when my brother suddenly died, memories of his comforting ways when both my parents left this earth. There isn't one item I can think of that takes the place of those comforting memories.

Coming to terms with death rips at our hearts, our minds, our emotions, and our very existence from minute to minute. All that our loss entails arrives in our lives in occurrences: financial, loneliness, relocation, activities, friends. Every activity/experience reminds us that we are alone.

It is my belief that the one thing that keeps us from moving into a new future is trying to hold on to our past. We hold on sometimes in obvious ways; i.e., not wanting to venture out into new experiences with new people; or, subtle ways; i.e., all the silent, self-talk that we will never be happy again. We have a difficult time stepping back and being objective about our life as it is now. The day my husband died, my life changed forever. I don't expect it to ever be the same again.

In my way of thinking, for the survivor there are three choices: (1) move forward; (2) stay stuck in the mourning mode and stagnate; or, (3) slip backwards and try to recapture something that is no longer there to comfort us. I choose a future with hope, but it takes a lot of effort to head in that direction. There will still be tears and grieftons of them but how I choose to handle it is what makes the difference in where I am headed.

Wendy, don't beat yourself up for greeting your morning with tears or finding yourself crying when remembering a cherished time together. Our tears are part of our new future. Be your own best friend and allow yourself moments of grief; then, carry on with your new life no matter how painful. With time, it becomes easier to meet each morning and be comfortable with your day. Blessings to you. TJ

WHEW - TJ you are awesome. Marsha I love being ABNORMAL. Grief is like....... when I figure it out, I'll let you know. This site is saving me - really.

I have reached the 12 month mark, and I will tell you that I cry all the time. I think the shock has wore off and I am in the stage of grief. I just am so sad all the time thinking that I will never see my husband again in this life. Like I have to die to do that, and it really sucks. I hate it. There is nothing I can do, so I just accept it and go on. I am sorry that you are crying, but we all are. You are normal. Hugs~Shelley

Wendy... When my husband died...I cried and cried everyday hard for three months straight...I still cried everyday after that point, but not the hard crying every single day... the anniversary of his death hit me much harder than I expected. I cried just like I did in the beginning... I felt like I was back to square one....it wasnt until around 15-16 month that I finally( with God ) was able to gain control over the crying. I am in month 19...I am calmer in my spirit now...I still cry for my husband...but it does get a little easier with time. Your in my prayers...Debbie